March 8, 2007

Sweeps in Review


Success or failure or worse, indifferent?  How does the recent sweeps effort of the hostage crisis measure up?  The formula for sweeps rarely changes:  take almost every contract player on cast (along with a few day players to convince us it's purely by coincidence) and put them somewhere (a train, a building, a plane, a picnic) and have all hell break loose (a crash, an avalanche, a fire, a tornado).  It must get absolutely impossible after nearly 60 years of coming up with this stuff to hit on any idea that is even remotely original.  In fact, that is the bane of all soaps, I believe.  There is no original material.  Very nearly every child on every soap opera (on ABC, anyway) has, at some point, contracted aplastic anemia.  It's the soap opera chicken pox, however it is particularly common in children who have been passed off as the child of another man or who have secret siblings.  Every couple on a soap will deal with adultery in their relationship and no one ever stays married or together. 


Pregnancies do not happen without at least one intense miscarriage scare.  Most soap opera pregnancies end in the birth occurring outside of the hospital under the most dire of circumstances or in a rush to get to the operating room to perform an emergency cesarean.  Lately, the two are combined resulting in the birth culminating in an emergency cesarean outside of the hospital under the most dire of circumstances.  We also know that soap opera pregnant women are completely incapable of negotiating a staircase.


By soap opera standards, most people will kill someone, accidentally or on purpose, at some point in their lives, often more than one.  Laura Webber, darling of Port Charles, is a veritable serial killer.  Police departments, on the other had, are incompetent at best and completely unable to arrest the actual perpetrator on the first try in any murder case. 


Most people on soaps will, at some point, develop a drug, alcohol, gambling or sex addiction.  The good news is that this condition is easily cured with just a couple of trips to a support group.


Paralysis and blindness are also conditions that occur at least once in every lifetime.  Like the drug addiction, however, it is completely manageable and only requires a hospital stay of a few days.


Soap characters must hate Fridays.  I wonder if they think, "Oh crap, it's Friday.  I'd better brace myself for some heavy shit."


So how did GH do on this sweeps effort?  To refresh my memory, I went back to an Instant Messenger conversation I had with our own Starr Raven Madde while we were both watching one of the GH hostage crisis episodes.  I will drop you into the middle of it because we had been talking about things like grocery store lines, activating Windows XP and the fact that she'd just set her finger on fire trying to light an incense wand.


Katrina: we're down to 5 hours on GH until the MC explodes
Katrina: are you watching?
Starr:  of course!
Katrina: Nikolas just got beaned, this is a great episode
Starr: beaned?
Katrina: whapped, whacked, smacked, hit, punched, poked, etc
Starr: I missed yesterday, why is Sonny all black-eyed?
Katrina: that British guy had him beaten
Katrina: sadly, we didn't get to see it onscreen
Starr:  Is that Spinelli hiding?
Katrina: yeah
Starr: LOL
Starr: Jason's in the air vents
Katrina: I expect that guy to sniff the air and say, "I smell leather..."
Katrina: "...and testosterone"
Starr: ...and hair grease
Katrina: hahaha
Starr: Lucky looks hot in his gun belts
Starr: all macho-y
Katrina: Luke is the hot one
Starr: yes, I'm sure you think that
Starr: I'm half your age, so the younger one appeals to me
Katrina: lol, that makes perfect sense to me
Starr: Alice looks good in that dress
Katrina: Alice?
Katrina: where's she?  I missed her.
Starr: she just poured something for whoever Edward's talking to.  She's wearing a nice black dress and she looks good in it.
Katrina: oh, there she is
Katrina: and yes she does
Katrina: enter the hedgehog
Katrina: lol

Starr: I wuv him

Katrina: Yes, I have heard that this is true.  :)
Starr: What??  Elizabeth's in labor?
Katrina: she's cramping, Dr Emily thinks it's from dehydration and stress

Starr: It's not been nine months yet has it?  Did they actually SORAS an unborn child?

Katrina: nope, only about nine minutes of pregnancy so far
Starr: HA Niki has a black eye
Katrina: yep
Starr:  at least they're now acknowledging that the baby would be premature
Katrina: yeah
Katrina: she's only got a tiny bump
Starr: she barely does the protective mother thing with the hand on her stomach
Starr: I call it acceptable
Starr:  Sonny's pouring it on here.  Oohh, angry moweece
Katrina: hahaha
Katrina: he's so little
Starr: which one?
Katrina: moweece
Starr: oh
Katrina: It's like saying, "angry dylan cash"


[commercial time]
Katrina: check out that bouncy dog
Starrcanine cuisine made from chicken brains
Katrina: that bee is Antonio Banderas
it's Antonio

Katrina: lol
Starr: I know
Katrina: great minds...
you type faster than me
Starr: think alike?
Katrina: they do
Starr: I can never remember this chick's name
Katrina: penelope cruz
Starr: she DOES have big eyelashes

Katrina: I hate this commercial
Starr: which one?
Katrina: the zatarans that makes people hallucinate

Starr: it makes me laugh at it's stupidity
Starr: lol
Katrina: It's like "Dirty Rice and LSD"
Starr: LOL
Starr: yeah


[commercial time over, GH is back]
Starr: SCOTT!!
Katrina: are you glad the spiky hair is back?
Starr: YES
Starr: I adore the brushfire
Starr: So who killed Rick Webber?
Katrina: how about that tie?
Starr: It's stripey
Starr: and diamond-y
Starr:  at the same time
Katrina: what about Rick?  I missed it.
Starr:  Alan said something about who killed Rick
Katrina: I guess I missed it.
StarrShouldn't Elizabeth be lying down?
Katrina: one would think
Katrina: left side, in fact
Starr: Make her push Alan off the couch.  Who's the chick?
Katrina: some miscellaneous henchwoman
Starr: oh
Starr:  Alan shouldn't be talking
Katrina: I heart Luke
Starr:  I heart Lucky's gun belts
Katrina: maybe he'll wear them for you in July
Starr:  :-) 
Starr:  Mac!!!!!!
Starr: Yay, Ric's going to burn
Starr: hopefully with fire, fire, FIRE!
Starr: Spinelli looks Chinese there
Katrina: Ric is going to burn and evidently get fired too
Katrina: Spinellie looks Chinese and like a girl
Starr: yup
Starr: a Chinese girl
Katrina: hahaha
Starr: A Chinese girl fruit cup.
Katrina: I wonder if the henchman who had to be called "Number Two" argued about it.  "I don't WANT to be number two!"
Starr:  hehehe
Starr:  Why do they call her Elizabeth Webber when she was married to Lucky five minutes ago?
Katrina: I don't have any idea
Katrina: I like this new guy
Starr: the one yelling at Patrick?
Katrina: yep, Dr Ford
Starr: I hate Tracy right now
Katrina: she's awesome
Starr: She's yelling at Dillon and that just will not stand.
Katrina: There's Edward
Katrina: Do you hear the Land Before Time Narrator in his voice
Katrina: and Cera's father
Starr: You've asked me this a bazillion times
Katrina: Let me ask you this: shut up
Starr: where's the question mark?
Katrina: ?
Starr: hehe
Katrina: hee hee
Starr: hehe
Starr: discord
Starr: Hey
Starr:Nik had a black eye before
Starr: Now he just has a cut.  Who cleaned him up?
Starr: HEY!!! Those assholes just shot max
Katrina: who IS this jabbering psychology student in the ski mask
Katrina: and Sonny just put the SMACK down on Carly
Starr: and I was typing too much to notice!
Katrina: Max is pissed
StarrIs Mateo giving him a titty twister?  What is he DOING?
Katrina: heh heh  I think he's trying to stop the bleeding.
StarrAlright, I'm getting confused.  I just realized something.
Katrina:what's that?
StarrDillon and Lulu are step-siblings?
Katrina: yes
Starr: and they had a quickie on the bottom of a boat house?
Katrina: yes
Katrina: they aren't related, just by marriage
Starr: that's still...
Katrina: did Patrick just say, "You've never red Robin?"
StarrYou've never MET Robin
Katrina: "You've never banged Robin, you don't know her!!!  *cry*"
Starrthe one person who hasn't?
Katrina: *SMACKED down*
StarrWhy do people always talk about what a whore Carly is?  Hasn't she only slept with a few guys since she's been on the show?

Katrina: Hmmm... gotta think...  Jason, AJ, Tony Jones, Sonny, Jax...I'm sure I'm probably forgetting someone.  [ed note:  I did, I forgot Lorenzo]
StarrHow long has she been on the show?
Katrina: Lemme check...

Katrina: about 11 years

Starrso that's like an average of a new guy every 2 years and weren't Jason and AJ and Tony all combined into something like a couple of years on their own?  So only Sonny and Jax for a bunch of years now??

Katrina: that sounds right

StarrInteresting.  So I'm thinking "not a whore."

Katrina:  I think I'd have to go with you on that one.


From there, the show ended and the talk went to off topic things that were likely interesting only to us.  My conclusion is that overall, GH sweeps were better than average and although there were definite glitches (like why did Mr Craig wear a mask when he was speaking while wearing the mask?  He'd made a point to, before the hostage situation, talk to most of the people on contract with GH.  Wouldn't he think they'd put together "The British guy did it?"  How many British guys does he thing are walking around Port Charles, specifically at the Metro Court asking about the vault??), it made for a decent story.  We got the lovely addition of Cooper Barrett out of the deal and with the Barrett history in Port Charles, that should open up a nice vault of stories. Now we have Logan, we says his father is from Port Charles...  Please let his last name really be "Smith" and his daddy's name be "Damian!"


All in all, I'll label the hostage crisis as a successful sweeps week, but it was even more fun watching it while talking with Starr. 


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