May 1, 2007

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda



I find it fascinating that Julia wasted no time in ousting Del from the Happy Hearts Hotel for owning a gun, but has no trouble keeping the guy around who killed the man who actually owned the house and who has demonstrated intense anger issues AFTER having his homicidal tumor removed.  Julia, guns don't kill people, shovels kill the stable...where Ryan and Annie consummated their not-yet-love.


I am not a fan of the Careys or particularly, what Krystal did to Adam, but do we think that Dixie might be rolling in her grave (undulating in her push-up bra) that her inability to keep her big yup quiet as she died on the floor resulted in a baby being swiped from the hospital, given to a crazy person and holed up in a doll warehouse?


I'm not saying this isn't 100% Krystal's fault.  It is.  It's also 100% Tad's fault (don't bother me with math probabilities and sensibilities, I'm on a roll here).  It's sad that Tad had his bottom lip out over the fact that the man who he buried alive and tortured subsequently died in a freak earthquake.  It's unfortunate that Krystal doesn't know how to pat a man on the back without going onto hers.  It's a damned shame that neither of them could be bothered with little matters like birth control before going at it like rutting pigs where Dixie could happen along and get her bugged out eyes full.  All of those factors that brought this whole, core-rotten situation into being are no one's blame except for the two of them.  Krystal supposedly was deeply in love with Adam at the time.  It was no secret to Tad that Krystal was married.  Nope, it all belongs to them.


That being said, there are two different schools of thought that follow through after that.  One is that once they crossed that bridge, they put themselves at the mercy of whatever might occur after that.  I explored this idea at bitter length in my previous column.  I still stand by that because in this particular store, if you paid for it, you bought it, you own it and you can't take it back.


The other way of considering this situation is the chain of events and ownership that transpired after tab A was re-introduced into slot B.  A one night stand could be easily swept under the rug, but a bun in the oven takes up more space than a one night stand under the rug, so the complications began to gain speed right away.  Throw David into the mix, a tortured soul who could not get on the writers' good side no matter what he did, and pretty soon he's running unauthorized DNA tests and leaving evidence on DVDs all over town.  I've been so bored with AMC since it turned into The Amazing Careys Show that it's possible I missed an episode here and there, so I have to wonder, did Krystal have the presence of mind to have her own DNA tests run instead of just relying on Dr Hayward's word that the accurate, unaltered tests he ran are the real deal?  Are we going to find out later that this really is Adam's baby?


David saw an opportunity, grabbed it by the bajingoes and milked it for all it was worth.  That's his culpability. 


Along comes Dixie who gets the panoramic, X-rated view of the whole situation, then finds out about the baby, then finds out about the DNA tests, then worries the situation until it's worn out, tired and frayed, giving a situation that actually had nothing at all to do with her way too much energy and attention.  She makes heartfelt promises not to EVER reveal the truth to Adam, but the very minute she's writhing on the floor, hell-bent on shuffling off this mortal coil, fully confident that she can no longer suffer the slings and arrows of the outrageously ill fortune that could befall her for breaking her sacred promise NOW, she takes full advantage of the situation to belabor her poor son with the weighty secret that could have DIED along with her if she'd taken it upon herself to use that moment more productively.  Could he have assured her psychologically damaged, painfully insecure, devastatedly damaged son of her love for him that would transcend death and be with him always?  Could she have created one golden memory in that moment to carry him through the rest of his poor, wretched life and warm him in the cold, grief-stricken, motherless darkness that is to come?  Could she once say to him, "JR, I loved you more than I loved Kate" and throw him a bone?  Why would it matter if she was dying?  She can tell any lies she wants if she's going to be dead a second or two later, why not take advantage of the situation?


But nooooo, she has to tell him this soul cleansing secret and ruin his life for the next few weeks.  Not only is his mommy dead AGAIN, likely for REAL this time, but he also has to decide which father to betray.  Nice legacy, Dixie.


As it turns out, it wasn't Dixie's deathbed unburdening, that broke the cookie jar, but Krystal's own guilty conscience and Josh's manipulations.  She wasn't really strong enough to take her medicine on this one without ruining everyone else's life as well.  Another person who, like the Careys, was absolutely obsessed with having his own way, used the info to his own advantage and the only way Krystal could disempower him was to tell Adam the truth herself.  Why she didn't just sleep with Josh I can't imagine because in her world, a little sex fixes everything.


Getting away from the obvious "if Tad and Krystal had possessed the maturity to keep their pants on, this wouldn't have happened," we are left with "if, in light of this unfortunate paternity debacle, everyone had kept their trap shut and let it go, most people concerned would be living happily ever after.  Tad would keep his attention focused on finding Kathy and as a result, likely would have done so.  Josh could have realized that if you manipulate a person into being with you, it's not nearly as valuable as if they choose to do so of their own accord.  Janet would be safely medicated and tucked away in her little sanitarium and Adam, Babe, Colby and little Charlotte could be snuggled together as a happy least until the baby develops aplastic anemia and needs a donor and Krystal has to ask Tad to be tested...  





There was an episode of one of my all time very favorite TV series, "Star Trek, the Next Generation," where a very bad Cardassian named Gul Madred ("Gul" is a level of rank in the Cardassian military, not his actual first name), played by the delightful and talented character actor, David Warner, who captured and tortured our beloved Captain Picard.  As part of his torture, Madred outfits Picard with ugly clothes (probably the worst torture Picard could suffer) and a collar that sends excruciating pain through his whole body when a button on a remote is pushed.  Madred tries to alter Picard's perception of reality by insisting to him that there are five lights in the room when there are only four.  Much drama ensues, including Picard, wracked with pain and weeping, screaming, "THERE ...ARE... ONLY... FOUR... LIGHTS!!"


It doesn't matter how many times OLTL pushes the button and contorts my body with horrific pain, I'm sorry, but Jessica and Nash are not PRETTY!  They are not ROMANTIC!  They are not COURAGEOUS!  They are not HOT!  They are the face of adultery in its ugliest state!  They are hedonistic horndogs who are so immature that they are incapable of controlling their baser instincts and conducting themselves in an honorable way.  You know, I'm not a prude and I'm not unrealistic when it comes to relationships.  If I were to know that Nash was behind Door #1 and Antonio was behind Door #2 and *I* got to pick, I'd be breaking down Door #1 in a second flat.  I also know that sometimes, you're married to the right person and someone who is even more right comes into your life.  It's painful for everyone concerned.  It's destructive even when it's handled the best way anyone CAN handle such a situation.  It's complicated and emotionally devastating, but it happens. 


You know what?  They could have had me on this one.  Since I am a person who was cheated on and left for another woman in a previous marriage, sure, I'm sensitive to these kinds of stories, but had this played out right, I could have supported it.  If they'd worked up some honor and dignity.  If they'd demonstrated some steadfastness.  If Nash had not been stalking Jessica during every natural disaster that occurred.  If he had not been constantly in her face forcing her to admit that she cared about him and demanding to be with her.  If she had admitted that she was struggling with Tess' memories and Tess' feelings and confusing them with her own.  If there had been stolen looks and accidental touches and individual fantasies (more than the 1-2), while each one tried their hardest to honor the choices Jessica made and Nash's friendship with Antonio.  If they had come together as adults, each freely (eventually) admitting their attraction and deciding to pursue a life together, then Jessica went to Antonio and told him the truth.  All of this sneaking around and having Cris find out (because Nash was bragging to Layla about their interlude) and letting Jamie see them kiss and Jessica doing the desk sweep so she and Nash can bang away (and later have him striding around her office with his shirt off like a banty rooster who rules the pen) in her OFFICE, no less, while poor Antonio runs into walls oblivious...  That's just dirty.  This could have gone on slow burn instead of racing to get their clothes off and been a lot more romantic and sensuous.  Now it's just ugly.


No matter how many times OLTL shoots the pain through me and tells me that Blair and Todd are a super couple, I can't wrap my brain around it.  It's like "Groundhog Day" where we are forced to relive the same relationship day over and over and over and over and over and frickin over.  These two are so done the meat is falling off the bone.  Since Trevor St John is going to be off screen until June and as a result, Todd is going to be out of the picture, I have to wonder who Blair will sleep with this time since it's proven to be impossible for her to go a month without sexing up some guy.  With her likely to go on the prowl and David "The Fish Stop Swimming When I Enter the Room" Vickers coming home for a while, I am truly scared.


I don't watch soaps to experience the drama in teen life. I lived it.  I was there.  I am parent.  It's here too.  Please get it off of my TV.  The only reason I can tolerate Cole and Starr is that they and Roxy are the only thinking, rational adults on this show.  This other slew of pubescent angst can go find work on the WB and leave my shows alone.


With Phil Carey leaving and Natalie going to work for Buchanan Enterprises, I have to wonder if she'll knock the ol' boy off to get a CEO position...




Why Jasper Jacks, I do declare... MY how you have grown!!  I have to tell you, I was sweating for poor Carly all the way down the line until they were on the jet headed for Figi.  There was all the talk about how the wedding would be jinxed if Jason didn't show up to walk her down the aisle and Carly looked so radiant and determined (despite her panic attack) that I was terrified this was going to be yet another set up for Jax to carve a notch into his nonwedding belt.


Does everyone remember THIS?:



Ol' Jax left the LOVE of his entire LIFE at the altar, having won her back from the arms of DEATH and destroyed "Not Mrs Right But Mrs Right Now" Skye in the process, just because she KISSED Sonny in the rain in the street when she was engaged to Jax.  ONE kiss!  Carly got into a bathtub with Sonny and banged his brains out while she was engaged to Jax!  Jax let Brenda go through the whole process of wedding planning and church getting and hot bride dress finding (it's hard to find a bridal gown that will effectively show the crack of your perfect ass, but Brenda Barrett is a "can do" kinda gal), only to humiliate her in front of all of her friends and family, treating her like something stuck to his shoe after a walk in the barnyard and blowing her off for good.  Over ONE KISS!  Man, I just knew it was coming.


But no!  Jax let Carly have the perfect wedding and it went off without a hitch, or rather "with" a hitch since at the end of his nonwedding to Brenda they weren't hitched and at the end of his wedding to Carly, they were.  Good for you, Jasper.


But honestly, I have to know.  What are the odds that two men who can't stand one another and who (in theory) travel in different social circles, would share not one, not two, not three, but, if you count Alexis, FOUR women between them?  Isn't that a little creepy?  It's almost as though it's planned in some latent, "don't ask, don't tell" fashion.  I realize the cast is limited on a show, but can these two stop passing the same receptacles back and forth, pretty please?  Yes, I realize that Jax and Alexis never were intimate, but STILL, for the sake of argument, this defies all reason.


Speaking of Sonny, just in the nick of time, when we thought he had grown up and finally let go of Carly, he caves in and has "please help me" desperation sex with crazy nutjob Amelia, followed closely by the "Shut up" "No, You shut up" sex.  Such a shame too.  I was busy patting him on his sweaty little back for being such a stand up guy and then all of a sudden he wasn't standing up, he was lying down and we got into "This Didn't Happen Land."  If only this actually didn't happen!  I'm all for that!  I don't want to know if he asks her to wear a Carly wig and eat pizza for him.  *full body shudder*


Jason was charming, delightful, delicious and delovely as always.  It made my heart melt when he handed the garter to Spinelli who worshipped him all the more for it.  Kelly Monaco definitely played a believable drunk and you could see the wheels turning in Jason's head over her slip up about having been married before.  I'd love to believe that those wheels turning will be what eventually crushes JaSam, but it's going to be tough to allow their own organic problems to trump out having a baby with Elizabeth.  That's one hell of an ace to have in your pocket.


I continue to love the interaction between Luke and Tracy, just like a few million other people.  The powers that be might screw up a lot of things, but they definitely hit gold with this pairing.  My stomach was all in a twist last week when a spoiler read that after some hard drinking, Tracy and Luke would come to a realization about their marriage.  I did not dare hope that it would be a good one, but lo and behold if they didn't pull it off.  Grazi. 


Julie Marie Berman is still just shining as LuLu, never failing to hold up her end of the scene whether she's working with a newbie like Bradford Anderson or a seasons vet like Steve Burton.  This little gal is yet another success story for GH in a sea of forgettable castings. 


I can't even begin to bring myself to address the behavior of Robin, Nikolas, Emily and Patrick, but I'll try.  I find the four of them to be even more insidious than Mr Craig/Mr Brosnan/Jerry Jacks just in their individual personalities alone.  Patrick just cannot possibly believe that (after a couple of weeks of sniping and fighting over dump stuff BEFORE Mr C/B/JJ factored in) Robin would EVER dump him for Nikolas.  Has he SEEN  Nikolas?  Snot notwithstanding, he's 100 times hotter than skinny little Patrick.  No ego there, huh?  Emily stared and yelled and stared and yelled and refused to believe that maybe, just maybe, Nikolas really didn't want to be with her.  Forget that he CHEATED on her before when they were married.  She obviously never considered the possibility that when Nikolas was saying, "Emily.  Don't come here any more.  You can't be here.  Please go now.  It's very, very important that you LEAVE" that he might just know what he's doing.  But no.  She has to stand there and stubbornly demand and shriek and stomp her little foot, even going so far as HITTING him!  She was like a bratty, insolent, snotty little kid who was not getting her way and was going to pitch a fit until she did.  (Come to think about it, that's how she WAS when she was a teen)  Robin was no better, taking waaaay too much pleasure in snarking off to Emily, telling her she was pathetic and needy.  Bitchiness has always come very, very easily to Robin and she was/is just wallowing in it with this story.  When I think of Robin (for years now), I envision her with her thin lips pushed together into a fine, judgmental line, her brow furrowed into a pious, pinched expression not unlike one would see on the face of an abusive nun teacher in a Catholic school and her arms folded primly across her non-existent breasts as she crossly surveys the pitiful excuse of a human who has dared not risen to her lofty expectations.  She has yet to unseat that image throughout all of her adult years on GH.  For a Russian Prince, Nikolas never stops coming off like a bumbling buffoon.  He's rich beyond belief.  He has servants and contacts out the wazoo.  Why doesn't he just set Craig up?  Shoot the bastard.  Call someone and say, "There's this ASSHOLE who has taken over my house and shot me up with God knows what and I want you to come take him out, find that counteragent on him and duplicate it before I effin' DIE."  Someone with the resources and experience available to him should not be behaving like a victimized six-year-old.  He's been dealing with (and at times besting) Helena for years and he can't take out this guy?  Puh-lease.  Can you imagine if Helena found out what was going on?  She'd capture and torture Craig until he was babbling that counteragent formula like a magpie, then she'd clean him up, marry him and sail off to Greece with him at her side. 


When Lady Jane "recognized" Jerry, I kept thinking she was going to say, "But Jerry, you were so HANDSOME before!  Now look at you!"


It's not that Mr Craig is a visually unpleasant person, but I mean DAMN, just look over there to the left at the Jerry Jacks that was before!! 


Just that photo alone makes my long-snipped fallopian tubes want to wake up, rejoin, activate the flow through and make babies with him!


Or at least practice making babies!


Alas, even with recent evidence of their ability to write brilliant scenes and impress me when I was dried up, embittered and cynical, I find that trusting the powers that be to write this story out of the corner into which it is painted is beyond me.  Can they do it?  I truly do hope they can because rapscallion Jerry was always one of my favorite characters.  Whether they play the "mind control" card or whatever, I'd love to see him around for a while and wish they would explore the OTHER relationships he had during his previous time in Port Charles (Bobbie, anyone?).  The drama that could work up when his identity is revealed and Jax is forced to choose between his brother and his wife will be off the hook.  Giving Sonny and Jax one more match of contention to put to the powder keg that is their relationship will be interesting to watch.  There is potential here... just don't screw it up, guys!