December 12, 2007

Defending the Undefendable

AMC

I am so completely not an Erica fan, but I've had about enough of ol' Jack and his bizarre world of hypocrisy.  I've had a fairly avid dislike for Erica pretty much from the time I started watching AMC back around ought two or so.  I admire and understand how people can have a sentimental affection for the diva who grew up on screen and is now a grandma herself.  I fully can get how people who have very little self esteem (and I am not saying that all Erica fans fall exclusively into this category by a long shot, so slow your fussy, offended roll if you were fixin to get one on) can revel in the energy of a character who has enough of it that if the city of Pittsburg were to bottle it up and divide it out equally amongst its citizens, nobody there would have a humble moment until around 2010.  I understand that when you are in sync with the narcissist personality, you get where Erica is coming from and as GI Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle."  For me, however, all of the thigh rubbing and eye batting and getting away with major felonies because she's had a lot of plastic surgery and can smile pretty just puts a chill up my spine.  It's not envy.  It's just a good ol' case of disdain.

All that being the case, Jack isn't about to win any awards with me.  I definitely did not enjoy the lap dog, dim-eyed, non-original-though-having Jack created by the previous Head Writer, but now that the new and not-so-improved Head Writers have allowed Jack to actually have original thoughts, not first screened and approved by HRH Erica, it turns out his original thoughts are just not that impressive. 

Maybe (and I have no previous AMC experience from which to draw on this) Jack shouldn't be allowed to think without someone filtering the few little pre-emptive strike he has at thinking for himself.  Maybe he can't function in society without wearing a helmet, being strapped into a harness and tied to a swing set.  So far, all he has been able to come up with is that he's not going to love Erica any more unless and until she will turn Kendall in for setting up Greenlee for kidnapping charges.  Mind you, this is after Jack has concealed about a bajillion crimes Erica has committed, including the attempted murder of Greg Madden on national TV.  This is also after Jack failed to prosecute Greenlee's crime of attempting to kidnap Spike (so in essence, the real fake kidnapping charges were kind of justified), as well as about a hundred and ten other crimes that Jack conveniently overlooks when it's his family and friends who are committing them.  This has to be the absolute worst District Attorney ever.  I have heard over and over about how Greenlee should be forgiven for losing her mind and kidnapping Spike because she was bringing him back at the time of the accident.  Listen, cherubs, if you are arrested for robbing a bank when you are in the process of bringing every stolen dime back into the bank because you had a crisis of conscience, you're still just as arrested, you still robbed a bank and you're still going to jail, even if ever teller in that bank says, "Awwwww" in unison and gets all dewy eyed over your moment of regret.  Money is insured by the FDIC.  Kids are not, especially when they are the Christ Child of Pine Valley, fathered by the frozen spermcicle of Ryan Christ Almighty.  You go to hell twice as fast for stealing a Lavery kid.  (You know, I've never heard.  Is he named Spike Lavery, Spike Hart or Spike Slater?)

Jack needs to know that you just don't go around scraping Erica Kane off your shoe like so much dog shit and expect that she's going to cry into her monogrammed Kleenex about it and move on.  Just ask Jeff Martin.  (And shouldn't she be sleeping with him right about now?  What's WITH this writing team!  Let's get a move on!  Chop, chop!)  If anyone is going to be doing any scraping, it's going to be Erica.

Erica needs to give that big pile of hair a fine toss, stick her nose up in the air and inform Mr. D.A. that they "...named the monkey 'Jack'" and put him in her rear view mirror.

Booyah!

Now that I have that out of the way, I have to defend someone else I can't stand from a character I ought to like, but don't who is also riddled with hypocrisy and that is Tad the Dad.  Isn't it just possible in some way that it might be better for Little Jenny to be sold to a (presumably) loving family than to have her raised by a man who buried someone in the park for what seemed like months and left them there to die swimming in their own filth and ruining a very expensive Armani suit?  I'd love for Adam to find out that Tad was guilty of that crime and have some proof positive, not only so Tad could actually be punished for having done that (sorry, but that one takes me way past the "able to forgive" peg even if the guy was an ass), but also because I think it would make for a much better story than this ludicrous idea that Winifred has not moved that couch once to vacuum under it in a year's time.  It really does make me think that the writers haunt commentary columns and think, "Oh shit!  That's right!  The adoption papers are still under the couch!  ...and Bobby's still on that ski trip!"  *sigh*  Idiots.

With Tad for a father, Krystal for a mother, Babe for a sister and "Uncle" Adam as Mommy's concubine, this kid is already doomed to be twisted as a frickin slinky.  Adding the obligatory soap custody battle to the mix, along with the no doubt upcoming bout of aplastic anemia, I expect little Jenny Martin/Carey/Whatever to be making Janet Dillon look like Mother Theresa by the time she's SORAS'd in a year or so.