November 26, 2005

My ABC Fantasy Stories

No, m'dears, these are not spoilers by any means.  This is just where my little brain goes in the dark of night when it is left unattended in front of a keyboard.  Dorothy Parker, that Grand Diva of All Time, states, "Writing is the art of applying the ass to the seat," so here I am, ass to seat, dreaming up my fantasy stories:


"READ IT, KENDALL, YOU B*I*T*C*H!"  Greenlee flings the medical record at Kendall.  "You stole my baby!  You wanted Ryan for yourself so you can create this happy little family between the three of you:  you, Ryan and MY BABY!"

"Greenlee, what are you talking about??  I don't see the problem here!"

"LOOK AT THE BLOOD TYPE!!"  Greenlee's shrieks become almost supersonic.  "I have Rh- blood.  RYAN has Rh- blood.  THAT BABY HAS RH+ BLOOD!"

Kendall looks stunned then thinks fast.  "Greenlee, *I* have Rh- blood!  All of the Kane women do!  It has to be an error or something!"

Zach:  "Oh, it's no error.  That's my baby you're carrying."

duh duh dunnnnnn  *cut to commercial*

*Sometime later*

We hear the roar of a motorcycle engine being gunned while a lone rider, dressed in black, revvs the machine to a fevered pitch.  "Ryan!  Ryan!!!"

He barely hears her screaming for him and turns to see her running down the road behind him, her gucci shoes clicking on the pavement like the untrimmed nails of a labradoodle.  "GREENLEE"

"Ryan!"  She chokes back a sob.  "I love you, take me with you, where ever you're going!"

"Greenlee, I won't be back for a long, long time..."

"I don't care... take me with you."  She jumps astride the back of his motorcycle with the panache of Tonto.  "Let's roll."  As they tear off into the sunset, an explosion is heard behind them and the Eastern sky, for a few moments, becomes a tower of flames.

*The Next Morning*

Kendall awakens to find her husband's arms draped warmly around her, his hands pressing protectively against her tummy and the little life growing inside of her.  She nestles back into a restful sleep, unknowing that the previous night's catastrophic gas leak explosion has claimed the lives of Babe, JR and Krystal Chandler, Amanda Dillon, Jonathan and Erin Lavery, Sam Grey, Del Henry, Julia Santos Keefer and Jake Martin, who happened to be back in town for a high school reunion.  It was all very tragic, really.


Devastated, Natalie joins a convent in Puerto Rico after both John and Cristian reject her and take up with Marcie and Evangeline, respectively.  Realizing how much he misses her, Michael goes after Natalie, determined to declare his love to her before she says her final vows to become a bride of Jesus.  We presume he made it because neither is heard from ever again.

Antonio at last realizes the devotion that Layla has shown, through despite his  indifference to her, is worth more than some crazy broad and the two of them head out to reclaim his biological father's estate and live in a lavish hacienda someplace where I never have to see them on my screen again.  So sayeth me.

Todd ends up being convicted of the murder of Margaret and her baby and goes back to Statesville again.  Blair works hard on his case, but in the interim, he grows his hair long and sustains a hefty scar on his fact as a result of a prison fight with Carlo Hesser.  At long last, it is learned that Spencer Truman actually killed Margaret to frame Todd so he could have Blair all to himself.  Spencer is then found dead, barely hours after Todd is released and there is a massive whodunit with puh-lenty of suspects to go around.  Gets really juicy, I tellya that.

Bo and Rex bond even more, resulting in Bo telling Rex that when he first came to town, he thought Rex was gay.  Rex told Bo that he though BO was gay as well and then Bo confided that he thought he might himself be gay, followed by Rex confiding that HE though he might be gay as well.  They both said, "Wow, that's heavy" and ordered fuzzy navels at the bar at Ultra Violet.

Viki re-emerges and likes her new hair so much, she asks Roxy to help her pick out a new wardrobe as well.  Clint, well, he likey likey and a little sumpin sumpin and chickaboom chickabam.

Faced with a challenge such as he has never known, David camps out on Dorian's lawn and for four days and nights holds up a boom box playing Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."  Dorian finally opens her windows to tell him to get lost and sees, "I am sooo sorry" spelled out with rose petals on her lawn (and bare rose bushes as well).  Her heart melts.  She and David are married in a lavish ceremony and this time, he says, "I SURE do!"

Tess tells Nash that she desperately wants him inside her and he tells her that between Jessica and the baby, there are a few too many people in there already and he'll pass.  Still, his dedication to Tess is so precious that it moves Jessica's rich girl heart and she falls passionately in love with Tess' boyfriend.  She and Tess have a bitchfight inside her head over who will claim Nash and amid much mental bra strap snapping and hair pulling, the two finally merge as one, resulting in Jessica actually having a personality that I can stand and Tess managing to stay in one place for more than 5 minutes.  Clint welcomes Nash to the family and slaps a cowboy hat on his head, telling him grapes grow really great in the fertile Texas soil.  Nash says, "Word" and bumps fists with Clint.  Knowing fully well that those grapes will grow in the fertile Texas soil later as well as sooner, they hang around Llanview, drinking Sangria and playing 5 card stud until Clint decides to take over The Banner and make Nash his star reporter.  Reverend Joe returns from London and has remarkably been transformed back into Nathan Fillian.  Peace and joy reign throughout the land.


Reese, poor Reese, is already dead, slipped away with barely a whimper from either herself or those around her.  It's not that I didn't like Reese.  The character came on with strong possibilities and the idea of having her be the real Carly was wonderful, just horribly mismanaged.  The worst thing about her, other than the oddly careening story that was created for her, was her name.  You don't name a federal marshall "Marshall."  You just don't.  How many beautiful Brenda lookalikes are going to be introduced and how many more will turn out to be feds out to nail Sonny who end up falling for him?  Carly is the only one of Sonny's women who hasn't been 100% physically profiled. 

There was so much that could have been done with Reese and she was given several potential stories that never really played out to completion:  her past with Carly, her one-night-stand with Ric, the chance for Sonny to again practice his forgiveness lessons, the weird dynamic between Reese and John Durant, the death of her son, potential for a pregnancy for Reese with a 'who's the daddy' between Sonny and Ric...  lots of potential and none of it fulfilled. 

Admittedly, I would probably have wished her off the screen and into oblivion anyway because there was no way the writers would do her potential stories any justice.  It would be character euthanasia.  As it stands, that has already been handled and Reese has slipped into the butt cracks of GH history with Roy DiLucca, Jerry Jax, Cameron Lewis and Melissa Bedford with stories untold and promises made and quickly broken. 

Now I am rubbing my hands mantis-like as I consider all of the possibilities of manipulating the GH canvas...

First, Carly has to *go away*.  I don't really care if she dies or is sent away to a more secure facility (perhaps the one currently housing Laura?), but she's just got to go.  This rapid fire Carly swap off isn't working for me.  It's like this guy (the mayor from "Nightmare Before Christmas") where Carly has a different head every few minutes and not just a different head, but a different attitude and personality to go along with it.  To keep me from going broke on Excedrin, Carly just has to go.  Sadly, I have to damn her children along with her:  Michael because he has no hope of growing up to be any kind of law-abiding citizen and Morgan because, let's face it, he wore a pilgrim suit.  Maybe they should go stay at the island indefinitely to re-bond after their time apart while Carly was in the very minimum security nuthouse.  Yeah, that'll work.

I really do think that Courtney should relocate her undying love for Jax and the two of them should go on a very, very long world tour (with a midwife).  Buh-bye.  I grant them one perfect little yuppy, white bread baby boy with a touch of his daddy's wanderlust.  Since the child is hopelessly spoiled from birth, they travel nonstop to appease his little whims.

If ever there were two men who needed women, it's our handsome, eligible and very capable (unless Sonny Corinthos is involved) legal wranglers, Mac Scorpio and John Durant.  The Felicia relationship is a dead horse with Mac, but I do believe she could impress Durant with her fake P.I. skills.  Mac, on the other hand, would do an amazing justice to "hot" with Skye.

To my mind, Tyler Christopher was really, really hot with one leading lady and that was Mary Beth Evans.  That means that Katherine Bell has to come back from the dead once again and do her glorious Mrs. Robinson bit again.  Hell, she did it once, she can do it again.  Although, I would say that he could be a fine alternative to Mac for Skye.

I can stay behind the Sam and Jason pairing, just to give them a fair run.  Yes, I would bring a baby into the mix, all the way to birth and beyond.  The trick is I would have Robin's therapy work, shaky and psychotic as it is, but Jason would have two completely different personalities in one head.  One minute, he is Jason Morgan, hired killer, devout bruthah from anutha mutha to Sonny Corinthos and relatively unemotionally borgy guy and the next, he's Jason Quartermaine, totally emo, med student, limpid-eyed golden-boy.  Both of them love and are completely devoted to Sam and their baby (Who should have a gender nonspecific name like Jamie or Terry and, in fact, would have even more fun added if, ala "Malcolm in the Middle," they never actually mentioned the sex of the baby, but referred to it only by its name), but it's a personality roller coaster trying to keep up with which Jason is which, not to mention the whole drivers license mess!

I'm all for the rumored Emily and Sonny pairing provided they are contained to always being in the same scenes and neither appearing at any other moment of the show.  I will allot them a generous 20% of daily airtime, four days a week.  Not one nanosecond more.  Sweeps are forbidden from involving either of them for a solid two years, at which time we will renegotiate provided Sonny has not broken any glassware and Emily has completely renounced any, and I do mean any, designs on the medical profession...and NO babies!

Ric and Alexis are welcome to settle down into matrimonial bliss with only the comedic parenthood moments peppered with some Helena drama here and there. 

I'm good with the Luke, Tracy, Lulu stuff, but would like to see more of Lesley involved since she has been raising the child for the past few decades.  In fact, it would be lovely if Lesley came to live at the Quartermaine mansion as well, just for poops and giggles.  Perhaps a nice romance with Edward?

Where's Edward?

Lucky?  Elizabeth?  Pfft, whatever.  I'm tired of them.  But please, please let them win the lottery or something because I am tired of hearing them whine incessantly about being poor and dealing with the same crap we, the unwashed middle-lower class folks, deal with every day.  After my Lucky and Elizabeth experience, I have reversed my opinion and now am perfectly happy that everyone in soaps is independently wealthy.  Fine.  Just stop your endless damned complaining, soap people.

Leave that to us nonsoap people.  It's what we do.