October 17, 2006

General Horseshit

I think I have it figured out.

Sam is horrible to everyone else because she feels superior since she did not get pregnant during her fully regrettable one night stand and everyone else in town did.

What else can explain her indignant, "It's all about me" air of superiority?  I was blown away by how she talked to Jason, the man she supposedly loves.  "How could you deny me a baby and then give Elizabeth onnnnne?"  *choke*sob*  She makes it sound as if he's a teacher giving out hand stamps to the good students.  If SHE'D gotten knocked up by Ric, would she have been sobbing to Jason, "Why was Ric willing to give me a baby and you werrrrrrren't??"  This isn't a game of button, button, who's got the button.  Evidently, everyone in town should give very serious consideration to the impact it might have on Sam if the condoms they are using to practice safe sex are defective.  I'm thinking they should have a hotline to her so they can call in mid-passion and ask something like, "I'm about to really put it to _____.  Are you going to be OK if this whole IUD thing doesn't work out?"  They can then pattern the rest of their night based on what Sam wants or needs or thinks.

Speaking of defective condoms, am I reading these scenes wrong or are the Quartermaines, in a rare moment of business unsavvy, taking Maxie's word that she's pregnant?

Thank God a voice of reason in the form of Mac showed up to save these idiots from themselves.

This would never happen if Ned was around.  No way would he put up with that bullshit.  Not to mention the fact that Edward As He Was would have screamed that baby right out of Maxie.

Back to Sam, since taking pot shots at her is just evah so much fun.  The scene where she sliced up Elizabeth (also not one of my favorite characters, but lately, the only one on screen who makes any sense at all) was just plain confusing.  If only Elizabeth had all the info she needed for the perfect comeback:  "At least I have my one night stands with people I care about and can still speak to with a civil tongue the next morning."  Oh!  There is the ever popular, "At least we weren't related."  How about, "At least I showered between that sexual encounter and my last one."

Enough with the pregnancies already.  I get that we're doing a showcase of demonstrating how different people deal with the same situation.  LuLu has an abortion, has some nightmares, then moves on to recommend it to others.  Elizabeth goes into super-protective mode and cleans up her life of damaging influences (except for the ones she encounters on the docks) and prepares for her life to change.  Maxie uses it to her own advantage, stepping on as many people as possible with her spiky little heels on her way to getting whatever she can from the situation.  We're supposed to be seeing how unplanned pregnancy affects the people around the pregnant person.  Point made, can we please move this After School Special along?

I love Carly's purple shirt today (*nudge*dianna*), but what's with the Courtney hair?  Agh.  Can't she and her hair both please stay dead?  Why does Laura Wright look orange on my TV and no one else does?  Is my TV color function picking on her or did she get a hold (or where I come from, "aholt") of some bad QT? 

Nine days, the promos say, until Genie Francis returns as Laura Spencer.  I was never much of a Laura fan.  I think I would enjoy spending time with Genie Francis.  We definitely have the same taste in men.  I have mixed feelings about Laura being brought back to life again.  I would feel more optimistic if her stay was longer than 6 weeks.  I question the ability of the powers that be to provide a quality story arc for Laura that can be resolved in that amount of time.  They have been clear that she will not be killed off and that the door is open for another return, which means she will either leave the canvas for a life elsewhere or she will return to her catatonia.  I can't imagine any other story that would fit that criteria.  As Tristan Rogers pointed out recently, the powers that be are great about bringing back veteran actors and treat them with some degree of respect when they are on the screen, but do not have a clue what to actually do with them.  They are little more than props for the few actors who are written in as primary characters. 

With a specific beginning and end, perhaps they can stretch themselves to create a decent story, yet it has already been loudly proclaimed that Laura's story is a machination for a separate story that will "affect everyone on the canvas," actually meaning "anyone we give a shit about or routinely write for."  I am surprised that the writers actually came out and blatantly admitted that this is little more than a spring board for the same old, tired characters.  Bring Laura back, roll her bones around for 6 weeks to throw the old viewers a bone and pimp our favorite actors into a new story then send her off again.

I am going to ignore the fact that the previous paragraph contained a sentence that ended with a preposition because I have a headache and do not want to try and come up with a different sentence structure.  Walk it off.  You'll be all right.

As soap fickle as my tastes run, I am quite sure that my next GH column will be a love letter to one of my favorite soaps rather than a less than romantic analysis.  For today, however, the prognosis is grim.

The foundation for future disaster built on today's (and yesterday's) dismal shows is laid.  I am very open to the show impressing me with what I know they can do rather than what they are delivering at the moment.