“I’m not your bitch, bitch!”

                                                                      Dave Martin

                                                                                Top Chef, Season One 

This past week I came thisclose to being ABCD’s bitch. It was a truly frightening experience.

What almost lured me to the dark side? It was the “Angie & Jesse” commercials. They took me by surprise or rather, my reaction to them took me by surprise. The first one had me choking up, the second produced quicktears and by the third time one, I was a mess. A big bowl of mess. Those commercials were not only a reminder of a wonderful couple; they were also a reminder of how great AMC used to be. Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams were an amazing pairing who made their characters jump off the screen. However, it was not it only the actors that made the couple memorable, it was also the writing. Angie and Jesse seemed real to us because their stories were realistic. Sure a few things were over the top but over the top in a soap way, which is a good thing. Angie and Jesse were not a plot device. They both did good things, bad things and stupid things, but they always behaved like Angie and Jesse.

Yes, the anticipation of seeing Angie and Jesse again was exciting. Then I realized they were not returning to Agnes Nixon’s AMC but to Brian Frons’. This realization tempered my excitement quite a bit.

I thought about Maria. I thought about Adam’s emasculation. I thought about Ryan’s saint hood. I thought about the ruination of Tad. I thought about the glorification of the Careys. I thought about Dixie.

I thought about not wanting my AMC loving heart crushed again.

That is why I am approaching Angie and Jesse’s return with a mixture of joy and fear.

My naiveté has me believing that the return is not a rating’s stunt but the beginning of AMC’s turnaround.

However, my cynicism is making me cautious. How long after Angie’s death-by-poisoned- pancakes will Jesse be seeking some Carey “comfort” from Krystal or Babe or both?

I am hoping for the former but girding myself for the latter.

Now on to this past week’s AMC.

If Angie and Jesse are a good reminder of AMC’s past, this was a glaring reminder of AMC’s present:

“ A toast -- to the bride and groom. You guys had a rough ride, huh? Seen the best of times, the worst of times. But all the time, you've had a great sense of humor about everything -- And a really nice sense of style and grace. Tad and Krystal.”

When did Zach start smoking crack? Or did he leave his brain back in the fallout shelter? I would like to think that Zach was being facetious and that this is the toast he was saying in his head,

“A toast to the bride and groom. You guys have had a rough ride, but then sex in a 18-wheeler is usually pretty rough. Made the people around you have the worst times. But still, you’ve had a great sense of humor about it all. Especially you, Tad. Remember when you let me and Dixie stand trial for the felony you committed? I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much. In fact, I loved it so much that I decided to let the PVPD believe I really was guilty. And Krystal, no one could have switched those blood samples with as much panache as you did. Got to hand it to you. Just yesterday, Kendall and I were talking about how you let Bianca think her baby had drowned in the cold dark Hooskenny River. You were pure grace in action. Here’s to Tad and Krystal. I’m looking forward to the day you both rot in Hell.”

Maybe Zach thought his words would humiliate Adam. After all, Adam is EVIL. It’s Adam’s fault that Hannah shot Kendall. From his brief dealings with Hannah, Adam should have realized she was a few stocks short of a complete portfolio. How was Zach, her former lover and current boss, supposed to know what was going on in Hannah’s head? Yes, Adam did play on Hannah’s vulnerabilities to persuade her to do his bidding. That was pure evil. What about Zach playing on Adam’s vulnerabilities to gain control of Chandler Enterprises? That was good business sense. When did Zach become Martinized?

I am concerned about Zach. Not only was his toast to Tad and Krystal bizarre, but his behavior towards Greenlee was strange. Yes, they faced death together, but how does that mitigate what Greenlee did to Spike? I guess Zach’s pattern of holding a grudge was trumped by AMC’s need to prop Greenlee.

Oh, wait, I forgot, when you change Greenlees in midstream, you get to change her recent story, too.

It is all ABCD’s fault that it is difficult for me to type my column. Dodging all those “The Real Greenlee is back!” anvils exacerbated my vertigo. Banners, champagne, balloons, lots of cast extras, ABC spared no expense in announcing the real Greenlee’s return. I was half expecting to see a huge headshot of Rebecca Budig captioned, “I’M THE REAL GREENLEE” next to Sabine Singh’s headshot captioned, “AND I’M NOT.”

What else. What else.

“Is it true? Is it true that you got CE back?” How else would your father have been able to bribe you with $50,000,000, JR? And stop acting as if Adam taking back CE is a bad thing. The only reason he lost the company was because you faked, ineptly I might add, your own kidnapping.

sven! Sven! SVEN! Of course, this isn’t the original Sven, but it was still fun to see a masseur named Sven.

“This is the best day of my life, Kendall.” From her reaction look, Annie may be asking Richie to share some of his parlor tricks with her.

“like you sort of hatched or something”  Another clue that Dre might actually be William.

“Yeah, he’s dying to get into your pants.” JR’s words were not particularly amusing but Babe’s acting like a virgin whose reputation had suddenly been besmirched was pretty darn hilarious.

Annie and Ryan having sex by candlelight in the same hay filled barn that Jonathan set on fire to cover up Edmund’s murder sure was romantic, wasn’t it? Sure it was, on Planet Crack. 

“Erica, will you marry me again? I mean again, again.” Adam and Erica prove that a couple can be super by just being good friends.

Campbell as Fusion’s new promotion partner seems odd. Unless, of course, you get two cans of soup with every lipgloss purchase.

Did Julia check with Wildwind’s owners, Maddie and Sam, about turning the estate into a free clinic?

Julia’s idea is not a bad one, although keeping the mausoleum’s existence on the down low might be a good idea.

“Tad, there are children in this house.” Let me see if I’ve got this right, porn on Tad’s computer  would damage the children but Tad and Krystal having sex on the living room couch wouldn’t? Makes perfect sense. On the Planet Crack.

He plays the guitar! He dances! He acknowledges that he’s rich only because Cambias-the-Elder left him millions! He’s Ryan-with-a-head wound! What’s up with the Lavery brothers and head traumas? Jonathan’s tumor created “bad” in his head that needed to be cut out. Ryan’s gunshot to the head has made him downright likeable. Let me clarify, Ryan’s head wound has made him likeable for the moment.

It was good seeing Opal, but her “all newbies look alike” speech was downright awkward.

Colby watching Adam during the vows was heartbreaking. Colby does not always like what her father does, but she realizes that does not make him evil, just flawed. Who would have ever guessed that Colby and Erica would have something in common?

Will this week’s spoilers make us feel like we’ve suffered a head wound or not? Let’s see:

Annie’s life continues its slow slide to recurring status.

Annie seems to accept Ryan’s reason for calling her “Kendall.” Annie then proceeds to knock Ryan unconscious. She sets the stables on fire to cover her crime.

In reality, Annie really accepts Ryan’s reason. I have never seen Annie looking quite so Stepford, have you?

Desperate for a transplant, Richie plans to force Annie’s hand by kidnapping Emma.

 Maybe this story would not feel as if it were taking place in a vacuum if Walter was around to witness the dynamic between his children.

Zach feels better after talking things out with Greenlee.

What does this have to do with Annie? Well, not only did her husband call her by the wrong name but now Greenlee has replaced her as Zach’s friendly confidant. Annie’s future is not looking very bright, is it?

Before heading over to PVH, let’s check out some other stuff that happens:

When her guest is a no-show, Erica talks Jack into appearing on New Beginnings. Erica is none too happy when Jack uses his airtime to talk about his date with Julia.

That isn’t what happens, but wouldn’t it be fun if it was?

Erica and Jack have feelings for each other.

I have lost track of how many times I have typed this exact same spoiler but I know it’s ridiculously high.

Colby and Dre admit how much they liked kissing each other.

I liked it, too. It has been too long since there was a simple and sweet romance on AMC.

As a favor to Krystal, JR moves back into Casa Chandler. Why? To find out exactly what Adam knows about Kate.

 Once again, I need some clarification. Adam is EVIL for keeping Kate from Tad. Krystal was not EVIL for wanting to keep Charlotte Jenny from Tad. That’s what I thought.

Kendall is angry at Greens for sending her manuscript off to an editor. Kendall’s anger disappears when she realizes her book is going to be published.

 I did not realize getting published was so easy. We will now pause for 15 minutes or so while I write my bestseller in longhand. All done!

Now over to PVH.

Angie’s patient turns out to be her son Frankie.

Well, thank goodness Angie knows, now I can stop typing Frankie Quentin.

Strong emotions take hold of Angie when she sees her son. She is appalled to learn he has been living in the woods.

Debbi Morgan has a way of honestly tugging at one’s heartstrings. I am not going to be appalled or embarrassed to find myself crying during these scenes.

Greenlee has difficulty breathing. Aidan rushes her to the hospital. It turns out she partied too hard at Fusion and has repunctured her lung.

Just kidding. No one knows why Greenlee is having trouble breathing.

Angie realizes that Julia was right, Frankie and Greenlee do have the same symptoms. The hospital board fires Joe for incompetence.

In my dreams. My sweet, sweet dreams.

Aidan discovers that Sylvester is dead.

Any volunteers to tell Tweety the tragic news?

Angie, Aidan and Zach head out to Aidan’s property. They hope to discover what toxin is causing Greenlee’s and Frankie’s illness.

Maybe they can also figure out why Aidan owns the property even though Tad paid for it? (Insert your own private dicks dicking around jokes here.)

A not dead Jesse pays his sleeping son a visit. (Note to self: buy more tissues.)

I do not care why Jesse is suddenly undead. (Although I do wonder who that was giving Gillian the newcomer’s tour of heaven.) If, despite all the evidence to the contrary, Jesse is still alive then there is hope that Billy Clyde and Harold are not dead, either.

Oh those AMC actors.

“As far as I am concerned, he can move back to Seattle.” Colby is getting her wish. Brent Weber (Sean) has been let go.