April 20, 2006

I have had many, many long, sleepless nights lately.  Lying awake with my mind wandering, I usually write the most amazing columns.  Or at least they seem amazing at 2 AM.  Iím witty, insightful, and intelligent.  I then wake up and eventually sit with my laptop to write what I thought up the night before but itís not there.  Itís completely vanished from my head and I canít find even an ounce of it.  So much for creativity!  Apparently I have it only while experiencing serious insomnia!  

My sleepless nights are not without reason, nor is my inability to write anything remotely humorous, sarcastic or even slightly funny. The past few weeks have been extremely stressful, filled with intense emotions, so much emotion in fact, Iíve often felt physically sick.  

We moved into our Ďnewí house in July of 2004.  Shortly thereafter my elderly mother moved in with us.  It was planned. Sheíd been in assisted living and hated it. Sheís had a stroke which has left her unable to do a good portion of the things she used to do and living on her own hasnít really been an option.  I was happy to have my mom with me. Sheís done so much for me, I felt like it was my turn to do for her.  In the beginning it went well but as time went by, things got increasingly worse. 

My mother decided her life was basically over. Instead of being the social butterfly she once was, she sat her butt on my family room couched and watched TV all day.  The game show network.  Judge Judy and such.  ALL DAY.  Eventually it took a toll on all of us.  She became very depressed and started lecturing and disciplining our kids, which was stated as something specifically not to happen.  You can probably imagine how things got.  After a bit of time, she decided my oldest (sheís 14) had an attitude.  HELLO!  What 14 year old DOESNíT have some sort of attitude?  The problem was, my mother took it personally. The final straw was a few weeks ago when she decided my daughter gave her a nasty look.  She went off on her, in front of my daughterís friend, no less.  Iíd finally had enough and lost it. The fight escalated and I told her she needed to move out.  Iíd been thinking this for quite some time, even started looking at assisted living places in the area.  She got all huffy, started packing her stuff and ended up making it all worse. I finally called my brother and made him come and get her. Sheís been there ever since.  

I feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel as though Iíve failed my mother, Iíve let her down.  But I know this woman and I know that she is never going to change, nor will she ever give my daughter the benefit of the doubt.  My mother, God love her, needs to be away from kids and around people her own age.  Weíve been looking at places for her to move into in July, when sheís back from her various trips Iím forcing her to go on. Thereís a lot more to the story but itís still too much for me to deal with and Iíd rather process it all within before I give anymore of it out.  

Then weíve got the infamous biological mother thing to deal with.  Thankfully my husband finally agreed with me and took a stand.  The bounced checks, the broken promises, the no-shows for visitationÖweíve finally set the record straight.  She recently wrote us a large check and of course it wouldnít cash.  We wrote a letter stating that she could no longer give us checks and that my husband was going to follow the terms of the divorce agreement; she has supervised visitation at his discretion.  And his discretion means she has to pay us what she owes monthly, in full prior to seeing the girls.  This doesnít mean she comes the day of her scheduled weekend with the cash.   Usually she says sheís going to do that but conveniently forgets her checkbook. The letter also stated my husband isnít willing to schedule any holiday or vacation time for her to be with them.  She was supposed to have them over Thanksgiving and didnít even bother to call.  She received this letter last Saturday and has yet to call.  No call on Easter, no call on any other day.  This is her weekend with the girls and theyíve made plans.  They didnít know weíd written the letter and still, they made plans.   Her importance in their lives is quite obvious.  

Thereís no reason she should be late paying us. Weíve given her every opportunity to handle things appropriately.  My husband cut her required child support to one third of what the court decided.  Weíve accepted late payments and partial payments.  She lives with her mother and makes approximately $40,000 a year.  She is only supporting one person so thereís no reason she canít afford the limited amount of money required.  Of course itís got to be hard to afford all of that designer make up and such.  I guess those things are more important than her children.  My husband and I have bets about when sheíll call, if she even does.  We certainly donít expect any more money from her!   

Iíve been successfully working on my weight issue. Iíve been working on it (unsuccessfully) for about a year now.  Recently my husband informed me heís taking me away for 5 days to an all-inclusive resort far, far away.  Far away from my mother, my husbandís ex-wife and the kids.  That sure kicked the motivation into high gear!  I started really counting my calories instead of lying to myself and honestly I was shocked at what Iíd been eating.  No wonder all that working out did no good. It takes 3500 calories to make a pound.   It takes 3500 calories to lose a pound.  I was doing much more making of the poundage than losing.  Itís been about three weeks now and Iíve lost nine pounds.  My goal for this trip was 13 pounds but I wonít make it.  Thatís okay. I knew it would be hard and I know Iíve changed my body because Iíve found my muscles again.  My bathing suit fits and so do my pants.  I wonít feel totally obsessed about my weight on our trip.  We head out late next week.  When we come back Iíll continue with my reduced calorie plan and continue the exercise. Iíd gotten out of the groove for a while and now Iím really enjoying exercising again. As a matter of fact, today was one of the non-sleeping days so at 6 AM I was up and at the club spinning my fat away. Exercising feels good again. Maybe because of the stress Iíve been feeling or maybe because Iím back in the groove.  Either way, it feels good, which makes it so much easier!  

With all the things that have been going on I havenít really watched much of the soaps.  Iíve tried. I DVR them daily.  I sit down with my remote and usually fast-forward through most of each show.  Thatís not true. I donít even watch OLTL.  Iím tired of Todd, Blair, Spencer, AntonioÖmost everyone on the show.  Give me some Rex, Tess and Nash and Iím good to go.  Oh, did I mention Iím even more tired of John and Natalie?  Iím starting to feel the Sonny thing happening here. I just donít like it.  

I do watch parts of AMC.  Parts that donít include Erica, Jack, Josh, Julia, Dr. Madden, Erin, Jonathan, Krystal and Ryan.  I do watch these characters if theyíre interacting with someone I like, but usually I fast forward through those parts too.  Iím just tired of the whole baby story.  Isnít it true, legally speaking that Kendall canít put her baby up for adoption if the father is against it? I donít know.  I assume itís true which makes this story even more ludicrous.  Simply put, Iím over it.  The Dixie story is getting interesting and thatís kept me watching when I might not have.  

The break up of the longest lasting super couple on GH intrigues me.  Watching Sonny belt Jason was a thrill, though honestly Iíd much rather have seen the reverse.  Robertís back and Iíve got him for a year so thatís a big plus! I love Skye and Lorenzo together and I like the potential new couples the show seems to be creating.  I still forward, but usually through the Emily and Sonny stuff and sometimes through Lucky but only because I think the storyline is stupid. I love Lucky. Actually, I love Greg Vaughan.  I just hate the story. Imagine that.  His name should be Un-Lucky. If  I were Liz, Iíd be carrying a dozen rabbitís feet everywhere I go!  

Iím hoping things will settle for me emotionally and Iíll feel back to normal soon. Iíve read several books in the past few weeks, which means Iím retreating.  This is what I do when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.  This trip to Mexico should really do a lot for me and Iím excited to have the alone time with my husband.  When I return Iíll have tons of pictures to share!  Have a great few weeks!


 

More From Carolyn