March 22, 2006

Today I worked out at the YMCA.  And I fell in the toilet.  I was close to stuck, worried about how I would get out if I couldnít do it myself.  Would they call the janitor or would some strange woman come into the stall, grab my arms and pull me toward her until the ďPOPĒ sound ended, freeing me?  Would I have a ring around my butt? Would I bruise? Thousands of thoughts rushed through my head.  I was scared to make a sound for fear Iíd ask for help and someone would actually give it to me.  How embarrassing. Instead I wiggled, squirmed, pushed and achieved the ďPOPĒ all by myself.  

Now youíd think I would know how not to get stuck in a toilet.  After all, Iím 39 years old.  Iíve sat on a toilet for 36 of those years. Actually, less than that.  I went to a lot of bars in my twenties and I shop at Wal-Mart at least twice a week so Iíd say at least three of those years were spent squatting.  At least.  Maybe even more the more I think about it.  Either way, I should not have gotten stuck in that damn toilet.  

After my initial embarrassment and humiliation, (even though no one was around) I actually laughed out loud.  How silly!  I got stuck in a toilet!  I certainly donít consider myself a classy person, but being stuck in a toilet really adds a certain Ďsomethingí to my flare, donít you think?  Thinking of my butt stuck in that toilet still makes me laugh. Iím glad for it.  Lately, Iíve needed the laughter. Itís been a tough few weeks.  Months.  Years?  

On a happier note, my husband has informed me weíre going on vacation on April 28th.  To a tropical locale, where the sun never stops shining, drinks are free and the food has absolutely no fat whatsoever.  Okay, that partís not true, but it makes it all the more exciting.  The last time my husband and I went on a vacation alone (as in no kids, no family, no friends) was 1999.  We hadnít even gone on a honeymoon.  I was pregnant when we got married so we decided to wait.  Iím considering this our long awaited honeymoon and Iím beyond excited.  Iím one of those women who actually enjoy my husband; enjoys spending time with him; talking to him and maybe doing a few other things with him too.  He made the decision for this vacation of his own accord, which makes it all the more wonderful to me.   I asked him why and his reply was two-fold; he loves me and I have been working hard as a mother so I deserve it.  Is he just not the most wonderful man around?  

Needless to say, Iíve been looking at my wardrobe and not one piece of it says ďtropicalĒ to me.  Neither does the size of my butt.  So Iíve joined ďNutriSystemĒ (after all, any diet that lets me have chocolate everyday oughta be wonderful, right?).  My food comes next week and Iíve kicked up my weights and cardio so I expect to get back to 118 by the time we head out.  Eight pounds to go and life will be good. I just donít want to go and worry about how I look. I want to feel fit and sexy.  Not unlike any other day in my life, actually!  

Now letís take a turn into the world of ex-wivesÖthe weekend before last was her designated weekend.  However she must have had other more important plans because we did not even receive a phone call.  The next Thursday (this past one) she did call and asked one of my daughters if she wanted to come there that weekend. First of all, she should not be asking them because frankly, they donít make the decision. We may have plans (which we did) and they donít know.  I explained to my daughter that the decision was not her responsibility and thus I would talk with her mother about it.  She mentioned that her mother would be calling me.  The next night at 7:30 PM she called again and spoke to the same daughter. She asked her if she wanted to come out.  My daughter said she couldnít. I was furious. She should not be asking her daughter. So of course I forced my husband to call her and tell her that the last weekend was her weekend, not this one and they were not going to visit. She said she didnít know because we always change the plans. Sheís right. We do. Mostly because she canít get her shit together and since we want the girls to spend time with her, we give in to her schedule. Not anymore though. Iím not playing that game. Iím making the rules and sheíll play my game from now on. So my husband told her she wouldnít have them that weekend. I promptly sent her an email with the dates sheíll have the girls through the summer.  No response of course, but Iím sure she read it.  The next morning she called again, wanting to see the girls.  Apparently her mother was out of town and God knows where her boyfriend was. Maybe they broke up again or something. Who knows?  Either way, she was lonely and wanted the girls to keep her company. Too bad.  We didnít give in and I feel really good about that.  She chose to ignore her scheduled weekend and now she wonít see them until the second weekend of April.  Weíve got stuff going on.  Sorry about that, but thatís the way life goes, huh? I know it took a lot for my husband to stand firm, whether heíll admit it or not. But I told him Iím done letting her dictate our lives and if he didnít want to have the conversation, I most certainly would but it wouldnít be pretty.  He obliged me.  Thankfully! I think he knew it was in his best interest!  

A few nights ago my oldest daughter went to bed and started crying.  I went in to find out whyÖPMS perhaps? And she said to me words that made me cry,ÖĒIím sorry I donít tell you enough how much I appreciate you.  Iím happy youíre my mother.Ē  Wow. Sheís 14.  Where the hell did that come from? She also said sometimes she remembers how bad it was when her mother still lived with them  (though she used her motherís name, not Ďmomí).  She said she knows that when I came around Daddy got to work less and spend more time with them and they got to do more, like play softball, do karate, etc.  She thinks itís because of me.  Yes, to some degree it is but itís not that her Daddy didnít want the best for them.  He just couldnít offer much of it in that situation.  She understood that.  I was surprised at her maturity and ability to see the truth.  I knew it would happen eventually but as much as Iíd waited and wanted to hear it, it really just made me sad.  It made me sad for her that she has to remember the bad times and sad for her that she knows her biological mother really isnít that great of a person.  Iíve always wanted the recognition but I honestly didnít expect the sadness along with it.  She and I are very close and I was able to tell her exactly that.  She told me not to be sad, that she would be okay. Wow.  She continues to amaze me.  Everyday.  Iím a proud mama, thatís for sure!  

Even though the past few weeks have been tough; my motherís miserable and taking it out on all of us; my husbandís traveling far too much and someone is sick everyday; Iím taking the Katrina route and looking at the good things that happen each day instead of dwelling on the tough parts.  Okay, so maybe I still dwell, but Iím doing it with a sense of humor more than anything else.  

Letís hope thereís no more toilet sticking in my future! HereHere


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