January 15, 2006

It is a common perception floating around the internet that the writers of AMC want to portray Ryan as the hero of the show.  If such is the case, then the writers must live in Bizarro World, and are sending their scripts here to Earth.  It is generally a rule of thumb on planet Earth that heroes are the ones who fill rooms with flowers and give their loved ones foot massages, while the villains sit in their tower plotting ways to bring the hero down.  Am I wrong?  Am I the one in Bizarro World getting satellite feed from Earth? 

Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised.  The writers of GH have lived in Bizarro World for awhile.  Criminals are heroes, while law enforcement are the mustachio-twirling villains.   

This week on All My Children, it wasn’t Dueling Banjos, it was Dueling A-holes!  Who can be the bigger misogynist.  Is it Ryan?  “That makes for an interesting situation, don't you think? Me, Kendall, and her ex-husband, the man -- the idiot -- that she happens to be in love with.” Or Ethan?  “She's been fooled ever since he saved her from the Fusion rooftop. I mean, I saw the look on her face that night – ‘my hero.’”  Hmm….Ryan?  “The very last thing that Kendall needs right now -- Kendall and the baby -- the very last is more stress. I mean, the guy has caused her enough already.”  Or….Ethan?  “Look, that'll leave her free to devote all of her time and energy to the well-being and health of your unborn child.”  Oh, I think we have a winner.  Take a bow, Ethan. 

I don’t think I will recap their fight to the death over who is the bigger delusional hypocrite, because it got pretty ugly and I’m still chewing on the Tums. 

Surprisingly, JR wasn’t there to get down and dirty with the slime twins – he certainly would have held his own.  Except in JR’s case, I like him, and I think it is funny when he does the slime routine.  I never think its funny when Ethan does it – his reasons are too stupid.  He was allowed to be hurt that Zach lied to him about his paternity.  He is not allowed to let it fester for so long, despite numerous opportunities to get why Zach lied.  As for Ryan, his reasons are nonexistent.  He doesn’t even get to blame it on a tumor.  It’s a shame, really.  I liked him once.  I could like him again if he would chill out.  His behavior concerning his son and his son’s incubator are fast approaching Sonnyobnoxious.  Lose the ‘tude and go twinkle with Julia some more. 

I just have to take a moment here and rib Ryan just a little bit more.  The last scene on Friday was one of the funniest I think I have seen in awhile.  Every time I saw it I doubled over in laughter.  I’m talking about when Zach swoops Kendall into a kiss, and then the camera pans to Ryan walking in the door.  The outfit, the look on his face, the strange way he was holding his hands…its like the perfect Caption This moment, but with video instead of a picture: 

“Sir, will you be wanting the striped tie or the paisley?” 

“Ms. Hart, are you ready for your shushing lesson?” 

“This particular work of art is influenced greatly by the Post-modern Asian Water movement.” 

“By Jove, I believe my fingers are stuck together with Superglue.” 

“Excuse me, I am looking for the nuclear wessels.” 

Back to JR, this was a great week for juxtaposing his similar attitudes towards the two women whom he has loved deeply, and whom have betrayed him utterly.  He doesn’t want to have feelings for Di and Babe – he wants nothing more than to grind them into the dust.  Yet each, in their own way, compelled him this week to come out from behind his armor.  “I came, I cared, lets go home.”  I also loved the scene between him and Tad as they contemplated these very issues.  Heartbreaking.   

Can I say how bitter I am that my VCR didn’t record the first 20 minutes of Monday’s show?  Yep, I missed the Jabe sex.  I’m not gonna get a darn thing from Zen any time soon.  So I have one opportunity to see a couple I like getting their freak on, and the VCR messes it up.  Oh well, at least I got to see them being silly on the beach.  Babe and her amped up womanly mojo and JR’s attempts to get his..er..tent up. 

Whoever made up Di to look so deathly ill deserves an Emmy.  That was some seriously scary stuff. 

As much as I want to shake Kendall for her flighty behavior, I almost can’t blame her.  Here she has this new, precious love for Zach that she has found, and all she wants to do is cherish it.  But over there you have Ryan and Erica playing keepaway with her feelings for Zach.  The baby is more obnoxiously making its presence known.  Doctor Madden has checkmated everyone else in the anti-zex campaign.  The man she loves and the father of her baby are nitro and glycerin.  She’s still not even sure she wants the rugrat when its born.  If she does decide to raise the baby, she has to contend with Uncle Jonboy.  If she gives the baby up, she will have done the same thing her mother did, and that would be three shades of traumatizing for her.  Its enough to make a normal person ga ga, much less an insecure, neurotic, vindictive, needy, hell on wheels, diva in training like Kendall.  Kendall has an endless reservoir of love, but right now too many people are fighting over the swimming rights. 

And who is the only one who is concerned primarily about Kendall – above his own…um…big needs?  Who doesn’t tell her what is best for her, make assumptions about what she should or should not want, doesn’t think of her as an incubator, backs off when she asks him to back off?  That would be Zach.  The idiot who will hurt Kendall (by putting her needs first), break her heart (by telling her he will love her till the day he dies), and cause her stress (by bringing her chai tea – that bastard).  And even as the two worried “heroes” were chewing on their fingernails in concern over Kendall, the twisted SOB was bringing Kendall home from the hospital to a condo full of flowers and treats. 

I had to crack up over Miranda shrieking in delight over the chocolate.  My daughter is exactly the same way.  When presented with chocolate, she will proclaim loudly and repeatedly the joy she feels at receiving it. 

I don't know if David Canary has grandkids, but if he does, I know he has to leave them in stitches.  The only thing that was worthwhile about the tired and uninspired psyche ward scene was him mussing his hair and cackling like a loony.  I much preferred the earlier scenes with Adam, Krystal and Tad trading barbs.  I also like it better when Adam is holding his own, like when he proved to Krystal that he can take the upper hand any time he wants. 

If TPTB read my ideas about putting David and Julia together, they must have read the wrong parts.  This week, the two certainly generated some heat, but nothing drew them together except the apparent long-denied need to get laid.  Maybe the conflict will come later, although based on the previews for Monday, Julia is planning to work her way through the Pine Valley phone book.  I was a bit taken aback by her blasé attitude concerning David's role in Maria's five year disappearance.  Come on!  She could have at least decked him once before going back to flirting.  I shouldn't be surprised, considering her newfound affection for the man who killed Maria's husband. 

It was nice to see closure between Aidan and Anita.  I never cared for the couple, but even I thought it was odd that she has been back in town so long and there was no contact at all.  I am still loving Aidan, despite his pairing with Erin.  He made "hot dog on a twig" sound sexy. 

Once again Lily is loosely interpreting the truth in order to hide a boyfriend from her father.  In this situation, the tension is definitely more compelling, and the pairing could have been quite charming.  I just can't buy into it.  As I said before, too much baggage.  I found myself wondering what would have made me buy into Jonathan's redemption.  What if he hadn't been a Lavery.  Or if he hadn't been abusive of Maggie.  Or if he hadn't been so calculating in his schemes, which kinda negates the concept of the tumor.  Or if he had truly reached out for help with his bouts of rage, instead of clearly humoring his brother to buy time.  Or if at the very least we got to see some true remorse and horror at what he has done in the past, instead of the childlike "gee willikers I sure did some bad stuff."  I think a large part of it is the Lavery connection.  When someone so insufferable and arrogant as Ryan is the worshipped big brother, it is hard to feel one iota of sympathy for Jonathan or Erin. 

I didn’t realize until this week that I had missed seeing Tad and Aidan at work.  They work well together – one of those rare male friendships on the show.  I quite enjoyed the in-depth discussion of crackers in need of cheese. 

Witnessing Janet’s nutty behavior made me feel more sympathetic towards Amanda and what she has gone through.  Making me even more sympathetic is Jamie’s snow job, and his unshakeable and completely wrong conviction that she is behind everything.  Josh’s gaslighting is not such a big deal, since I’m sure she’ll figure everything out and turn him into toast.  Anyway, I don’t want to feel sympathetic towards her.  When she isn’t in vulnerable mode, she is acting like a vindictive twit.  And she never learns or leaves well enough alone.  Her sincerity is hard to swallow when she goes into Di’s hospital room and starts haranguing her.  Not very attractive, Amanda. 

I want to fly to New York, find Bobbie Eakes, and shake her hand for being a totally stand up gal.  It is not a coincidence that she said she would change the name of Chandler Enterprises to KWAK – which happens to be the favorite derisive nickname on the internet for her character.  Bravo Ms. Eakes! 

Thanks for reading.  Cheers!


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