December 5, 2005

It certainly felt like Christmas came early this week.  But as wonderful as the week was, I guess I’m still a bit greedy.  And with that in mind, I’ve decided to revise the lyrics to Santa Baby (maybe Madonna will sing it for us): 

Santa baby, slip a Zen kiss under the tree, for me
Kendall’s an awfully bad girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I want Babe in some underwear too, light blue
JR’ll be up for you, dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all times that Zendall should have kissed
Next year the show could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I want Jonboy shot and really that's
Not a lot
Lets have a Lavery-free year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the ‘deed’
done by a few of my faves
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, fill my stocking with lots of Zex, and paychecks
For Seasons Hostess Di
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim Adam Chandler’s ‘tree’
With Krystal decorations bought at Tiffany's
I want to see more Zyrtle too
Zad and Zaidan and Zily
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
Saved from Fusion’s rooftop
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney toniiiiight 

Lets get some fluffy stuff out of the way first (who am I kidding?  I just want to postpone having to try and do justice to all the amazing and horrible scenes this week): 

Loved Vintage Babe – she really knows how to class up when given the chance.  She was channelling Grace Kelly with her pretty dress and updo.  I wonder if she paid a visit to Myrtle’s dress shop.  She probably didn’t get the ‘do at the Glamorama – I think Opal wouldn’t have been able to resist giving her blonde tresses a greenish tinge. 

I have to laugh at Jonboy wishing that everyone wouldn’t think badly of him – meanwhile he skulks around in dark places wearing stereotypical hoodlumwear.   

Dr. Madden spends so much time being dour that it is always surprising and funny when he comes out with some great snark. “I know it must be almost impossible for a celestial being like yourself to believe this, but certain pockets of this universe do not revolve around you.”  It’s reminiscent of when Lurch on the Addams Family would occasionally break out into a leer – you didn’t think he had it in him, so it becomes instantly more hysterical that it really should be. 

When Ryan was strolling on the beach and a woman started screaming, I just knew it was Julia.  The tone of the scream was not so much “I’m distressed” as it was “I’m about to go kung fu on someone.”  I was actually surprised that Julia didn’t have anything snarky to say about Kendall.  She had the perfect roasting opportunity. 

Cracking up over Ryan stripping out of his shirt.  And then later in the same episode Jamie was hanging out in his boxer briefs.  I think boxer briefs are the sexiest of men’s undergarments.  However, the wrong person was wearing them.  And that is all I’m gonna say about that. 

Amanda’s outfit and hair scarf on Friday was straight out of Valley of the Dolls.  Or a Monkees episode.  I can see her getting Davey, Peter and Mickey to fall in love with her so they’ll do her bidding, and Mike tries desperately to get them to see her for the crazy bitch she is. 

Now that there are no more lies between Tad and Di, their scenes don’t make me uncomfortable any more.  I think I speculated that would be the case, and I was right.  They are on a level playing field now.  I wouldn’t go so far as to say they have chemistry, but they don’t make my skin itch. 

Two Zyrtle scenes in one week!  I am in heaven.  And those muffins looked damn good – reminiscent of the muffin shop that was on the first floor of the building where I worked in Arlington, Virginia.  They had the heavenliest muffins.  Bar. none.  Sigh.  When Zach left (muffin in hand – he’s no fool!), the look on Myrtle’s face had me jumping up and doing the Myrtle Dance. (jump from side to side, wave your arms, and sing “Go Myrtle!  Go Myrtle!  Pick the phone up!  Go Myrtle!) 

Di really kept her head up when JR humiliated her in front of everyone.  Unlike other people in the room who have done reprehensible things, Di has behaved appropriately contrite for her actions.  She faces her punishments with matter-of-fact resignation and quiet dignity (okay, most of the time – attempting to goad Tad into hate sex was a looow note).  But she should be careful.  Her declaration to JR that she realized she can’t be broken – uh, you sure you want to talk smack to Fate like that?  Its like she’s double dog daring Fate to decimate her.  Watch your back, Di. 

Krystal was quite the doting wife to Adam in the hospital.  So the evolution of the relationship has gone from hating each other, to needling each other, and is now in “you drive me nuts but I don’t want you to die” mode.  It’s a familiar dance, and as warming as a nice cup of hot chocolate. 

As for their children, they come across more like Irish coffee – starts out with a kick and ends up giving you the jitters.  Babe and JR were hot, hot, hot.  Her whole demeanor as she settled back on the sheets was beyond perfect – there was a stillness, a self-consciousness about her that could not accurately be interpreted as nervousness, or discomfort, or anticipation, or need – maybe all of the above.  And his accompanying expression – want and mistrust, full of longing, yet holding back.  The next morning, he caressed her hair and shoulder, then took off as if all the demons in hell were after him.  And she sat there alone, touching the places that he had just touched – DAMN.  That was so well played.  The end of the scene was very similar to the ending of a fanfic I wrote for them.  Of course, in my fanfic, this was after they had hate sex, but we can’t have everything.  I don’t think hate sex is in the cards for them, unless he finds out about her plaaaaan.  But the way they have been playing their scenes, I will do just fine with some luuuv sex. 

One of the running themes this week was “Parents who try too hard with long lost adult children.”  Jackson, Erica, and David suffered from it.  Zach didn’t – hahahaha.  For once, Erica was the least annoying of the three.  Her support of Kendall in recent years is so heartwarming.  But see if I still feel this way next week, based on the blarghworthy previews from Friday.   

Jackson was pissed because someone else besides him was trying to run his daughter’s life.  David delivered him a blistering lecture about trusting his child and giving her space.  Then later, David had to eat his own words by promising to Babe that he wouldn’t interfere in her relationship with JR.  These scenes were good, and I might have been able to swallow them more easily if I weren’t choking on his words to Kendall.  “You knew she wanted that baby with Ryan more than life itself, and yet you stole it and gave it to yourself?”  That must have been a line he saved up from last year – something he might have said to Babe before he found out she was his daughter, and therefore spotless and without blame. 

I can only imagine Kendall didn’t let David have it with both barrels is because she was shell-shocked already.  First Greenlee spit on their friendship and trust, and then Jackson, her stepfather, verbally slaps her in the face with, “How could you do this to your own family? I wouldn't wish you on my worst enemy.”  Jackson is the perfect country gentleman – charming, polite, and filled with contempt for those around him.  But he is, after all, a former DA.  He should actually get appointed his own bench, since he does so well at being judgemental and passing sentence. 

Kendall finally had some fight in her later when Ryan went off on her.  Boy, did she let him have it.  Unfortunately, she didn’t expel all her venom on him, and still had some in reserve when Zach came over.  I guess Greenlee’s brokenness was contageous.  Or maybe Kendall was taking the “best friends do everything together” thing too far – Greenlee blew off her husband, so Kendall had to do the same to hers.  Despondent Zach leaning against columns in the “thing” killed me.    

You want to know what is really freaky?  Here is an exact quote from the transcript from the 5/30/05 episode:  “Bianca warned me that I would never find the love of my life in you. But let's say that I did. I mean, how long till I screwed it up? Six months at the longest?”  Well, Kendall, apparently six months and one day.  Are those goosebumps on my arm?  Was McTavish that clever and planned it out that well?  Probably not, but still - my goosebumps have goosebumps. 

By the way, I’ve chosen to be rather flip these past few weeks about some very powerful and profound scenes between Zach and Kendall.  Its because I couldn’t dream of doing justice to them with serious words.  If you want to be moved, stop reading my column and go rewatch the scenes.  They speak for themselves.

Thanks for reading.  Cheers!