December 31, 2005

Hereís hoping that we see Zex next week.  Was Zach smart and made sure no one could get through to the casino?  If it were me, I would have set up roadblocks, dug a moat and filled it with alligators, strung barbed wire and electrified it, rented a few guard dogs, set mousetraps at the entrance, hired the kid from Home Alone to rig a few more booby traps, and last but not least - Iíd be packing heat. 

Iím a very insecure person, but I bow to Kendall Ė she surpasses us all.  Only Kendall can hear Zach tell her he loves her like a thousand times, and she still shakes her head and says, ďPull the other one!Ē  At least she finally told him she loved him, too.  See, Kendall?  When you told him, he didnít laugh maniacally and rub his hands together in evil triumph.  (Yes, Iím still making light of scenes that were so awesome in their awesomeness that I am just too awestruck to pay proper tribute to them) 

I got my Zimo scene, all five seconds of it.  So I donít have to die of a broke heart just yet.  And it was a bonus that Kendall saw it and was charmed by it!   

I laughed at Erica pretending she was talking about stopping the senseless plundering of our precious wetlands.  Then I realized that she really was still referring to Kendall and Zach.  While anxiously awaiting Zex, my mind seems to dwell in the gutter lately.  I couldnít help but chuckle when Myrtle said that Zach was a ďhard man to nail.Ē  I am quite certain that she meant that in the most lascivious way possible.  You know how I know?  Iíve been doing a lot of research for a fanfic Iím writing, and have been perusing transcripts (on the TV Megasite Ė bless you).  I found this gem from July 7, 2003: 

Myrtle: Oh, I tell you, this heat is awful! Do you know, it reminds me of a summer once, a long time ago, when I was in the carnival, and it got so hot we had to put the stakes down in Kansas. And wouldn't you know? I ended up with a salesman of lightning rods. 

Boyd: Hold on a second. Back up. Did I hear you say lightning rod? 

Myrtle: Well, it's to keep you from getting a bolt from the blue. 

Boyd: You're kidding me, right? Did it work? 

Myrtle: Well, I didn't get a bolt from lightning, but I got a couple of nice little bolts from the salesman -- very nice. 

What a woman.  Too bad she didnít tell Erica to shag Ryan and get it over with.  I cannot, cannot, cannot believe that Erica got to Bianca.  That has to have been bad writing, because it didnít seem like it was in character for Bianca to be so wishy washy, and to take any opinion of Ericaís as gospel. 

If there was ever any reason for me to want Ryan and Kendall back together, it would be this:  Imagine Erica rushing to the hospital after receiving the news that herdaughterKendall has given birth.  She walks over to the nursery window with a beatific smile ready to bestow on herdaughterKendallís son.  When she peers through the glass, she sees that Baby Lavery is being cuddled.  Awww, look.  Uncle Jonathan is having a moment with his nephew.  Ericaís scream dies in her throat as she faints dead away from witnessing the consequences of her handiwork. 

Over the past two weeks Iíve been forced to revise my theories twice.  I said before that I thought Josh was the person behind all the misdeeds in PV.  Then I decided that wasnít the case, when he was busy with other people at New Beginnings while Little A was being kidnapped.  It was confirmed that Janet kidnapped him, because she had the diorama of him all set up before he was even found in the manger.  We have also been made to assume that she did all the other stuff since she had dioramas for them as well.  Then we got to witness first-hand Janet perpetuating the humiliation of the Carey women.  

Now bear with me.  Iíve decided that even though Janet masterminded the kidnapping of Little A and the drugging of the Carey women, I still think Josh did all the other stuff.  Janet could have made dioramas for those other events because she heard about them, thought they were funny, and decided to showcase them because the Pine Valley residents are so naughty and get what they deserve.  And hereís the kicker.  The kidnapping and the Carey humiliation are both acts that could be dangerous, but were not intentionally dangerous.  The other activities Ė the fire, poisoning, stair push, hammock Ė these were all meant to cause grave harm and possibly death.  Janet is clearly malicious, but is she homicidal?  Never mind Uncle Will, Iím trying to make a point about who she is today.  Mark my words (snort)  Ė Josh did all the other stuff.  He wanted to punish everyone who has slighted him, and put the blame on Amanda and Jonboy. 

Shout out to the makeup department for Janetís disguise.  That really did look like stubble on her cheeks and chin!  Her disguise was slightly reminiscent of Alexisís butler disguise on GH. 

Iíll take a delicious Doctor David smoothie, thank you.  Smoothies donít kill people.  People kill people.  I love it when heís in ďIím evil and I admit it and I donít give a damn what you think about itĒ mode.  But David is asking the wroooong person about offing Jonboy.  Its too bad that David screwed up Mariaís life big time, and was recently such an ass to Kendall on Thanksgiving.  Otherwise, Zach would be very receptive to his proposal.  Ah, ZavidÖwhat could have beenÖ. 

Last week, Dr. Madden cracked me up with his declaration of love delivered with The Branch stuck firmly up his butt.  I remember wishing we could see more Ian Buchanan and less Lurch.  Sure enough, this week a bit of him peeked through when he said that he was thrilled to be in Ericaís dreams.  Thereís that charm Iíve heard about! 

I love it when the show gets silly, like when Adam requested that someone get a gun and shoot him.  JR, Babe and Krystal all took off in separate directions, then came back wielding weapons.  Hee!   

It cracked me up when Julia yanked Ryan into Wildwind.  Sheís pretty much the polar opposite of Greenlee.  His interaction with her was charming.  It reminded me of when I used to like Ryan.  As charming as he was with Greenlee, I hated it because it carried too much baggage Ė in order for him to be with Greenlee, he had to stomp on Kendallís heart a second time.  And I could never accept him charming Kendall because of aforementioned reason.  However, his relationship with Julia carries no baggage.  So his charm with her doesnít grate. 

Iíve decided that Aidan gets more and more precious every day.  I just want to pinch his cheeks.  The ones on his face, of course!  JR too, whenever he gives Babe those ďIím falling for you, please donít hurt meĒ gazes. 

When I watch the show(s), I take notes to try and remember certain things when I write my column.  However, my note-taking is devolving.  I seem to have a lot of funny quotes, and many, many comments on boobs, hair and fugly clothing.  But I suppose I should cut myself some slack.  There have been a lot of funny moments the past couple of weeks.  And a lot of boobs, hair, and fugly fugly clothing. 

It was hard to watch a scene with Bianca in it, even a Zinks scene, without my eyes popping right into her blouse.  Zach copped a feel on Kendall while pretending to admire her pin.  Then the lovelies were all on parade for New Years Eve.  Amandaís were the most well-presented.  Babeís were the least.  [Insert old rant about fugly dresses on a beautiful woman, with old side rant about the frickin endless leprechaun green.]  I almost shrieked in horror when Krystal came in one time, wearing a garish yellow top.  Fortunately it was mitigated by Babeís festive red dress that showed off her assets much better than what she put on for New Years Eve. 

We got two incidents of pizza toe this week.  I watch What Not To Wear from time to time, and one of the best episodes featured a woman who refused to buy pointy shoes.  She called it pizza toe.  There is hilarious footage of her holding a slice of pizza over her foot, to demonstrate how human feet are not supposed to reside in shoes of that shape.  Amen, preach it sistah!  Anyway, Kendall was sporting the pizza toe shoes.  Then later, Erin was wearing them.  Kendall, I can understand, because she was at work.  Erin was ice fishing for heavenís sake.  Those things have to make your feet numb already, and she was going to make it worse by resting her tootsies next to a slab of ice?  There are some fashionable and warm boots out there.  How ridiculous. 

I donít like Dixieís hair.  It is too distracting, and not in a good way.  Hair should be distracting because it is shiny and thick or has pretty curls, or nice highlights Ė not because it is straight out of some art deco nightmare.  I think I don't mind that Reggie got a hair cut, but I guess Iím disappointed it looks too uninteresting.  Meanwhile Tad needs a haircut very badly.  Good Lord, it was all in his face as he was running around looking for Little A.  At least cinch it in a scrunchy or something. 

I watched very small bits and pieces of the other two shows and Iíve come to a couple of conclusions.  If psychiatrists want a new method of lulling people into hypnosis, they should play a video of John McBain pumping iron.  I swear I went into an altered state during those gym scenes last week.  I also saw a bit of the dejected Q clan on GH this Friday.  I was gazing at Skyeís loveliness, when Noah Drake walked in the room.  Now, wouldnít it be an interesting story if Skye helped Noah reign in his alcoholism and they fell in love?  I know, I know, Rick isnít on contract.  Sigh. 

In 2005, a lot of horizons opened up for me, soapwise, not the least of which is this column.  Maybe Iíll gush about it in my next column.  Until then, have fun remembering the old year, and ringing in the new.

Thanks for reading.  Cheers!