This week's spoilers used for commentary are compliments of our friends over at SOAPTOWN USA

March 13, 2006


Hell hath no fury like a woman who learns that the father of her baby talked about letting a dragon-slaying, spittle-flinging, terminally angry, frighteningly bitter widow adopt said baby.

To make matters even more convoluted, Ryan then overhears Kendall discussing the possibility of adoption with Greg Madden and gets all pissy about it, proving that he needs to restock his supply of "Hypocrite" muscle shirts because he's obvious wearing them a good bit and just could not possibly have enough. 

So basically, they are both pissed at each other until Ryan works his wiles on her and she takes back all of his "Hypocrite" muscle shirts and exchanges them for a drawer full of rose colored glasses that convince her that Ryan is a changed man.  Kissage occurs and Kendall is all set to consummate but Ryan the Changed Man stops her and tells her that she's trying to drown herself in his lubbins to forget about Zach and he's just not having any of that.

As if that's not enough, after he hears Kendall discussing adoption with Dr Madden, Ryan brings ERICA into the mess as though any person in their right mind who is in a volatile, complicated relationship would say, "Shit!  Get Erica!"  That's like screaming, "Get me some gasoline, fast!" when you are on the second floor of a blazing building.

Of course, Erica has a sane and rational way of dealing with the "problem" of Greg suggesting to Kendall that since she is having trouble bonding with her baby and isn't sure she wants to be a mother, adoption might be a viable option for her.  She poisons him and he has a heart attack.

But of course, Erica is not a bad person.  Why would we think that?  I must be completely mistaken to think she's a freakin psychopath who should be behind bars about a hundred times over.

The proof that she's a kind, generous and unselfish person is walking around in the form of Josh, the baby she aborted not because her health was at risk, not because she was too young to raise a baby on her own, not because she was raped, but because she did not want to lose her slim and shapely figure.  No matter how many years go by or how many heart-wrenching memories she dredges up in psychotic break after psychotic break, I never, ever get over how obsessively and blatantly self-involved Erica is.  There is literally never a selfless moment and talk about shock and awe.  That is what I feel every single time I see Jack and Kendall and Bianca and Opal and her other lackeys flying into action to do damage control, all the while babbling incessantly about protecting Erica and how blameless their girl is.  Have I mentioned it makes me vomit?

Josh continues to knock heads with Julia, so of course that means they only have a few feet to go before they are knocking boots.  ew.

Those scary Cary women just don't miss a beat.  Babe has finally broken JR to his knees and this week, he cries and apologizes for everything, not just to Babe, but also to Krystal, Tad, Jamie, Di, David AND to Babe.  It's like an intervention in reverse.  He proposes and Babe accepts, but what is on her mind is still getting sole custody of her son. 

Meanwhile, Adam's profession of love leads to continued deception on Krystal's part because well, that's just what they do.  I guess she figures if it works for her baby doll, why not put a little lying and using to work in her own relationship (like it's the first time - not!).

After watching her son in agony over his own son being in danger and hearing everyone in Pine Valley extol at length on how much they miss her and need her, Dixie ultimately decides they are better off without her.  She gets a fever, likely from her own stupidity burning its way out of her, and begs Zach, to go get Tad.  Zach hoofs off to get Tad and is about to dump the pickles out of that particular barrel when Dixie comes out of her fevered haze, phones him up and tells him to not tell after all.  She later needs a whipping post to let loose some of that building frustration over being an idiot, so she calls up Di and rants at her for a little while longer, then decides to leave town.

(Didn't like her before, don't like her now and the only time I ever did like her was when she was Di)

Coming up the week of March 20th:

- A little Zach and Kendall moment on that ill-fated rooftop of Fusion.

- A wedding for JR and Babe and a renewal of vows for Adam and Krystal.

- A redux of Brooke and Laura English with Amanda in the Laura role (saw that coming a mile off)

- Not realizing that staying in town means she will be discovered, Dixie comes face to face with David.  David does not hesitate to use her secret to his own advantage.

- Undaunted, Erica resumes her efforts to take out Greg Madden (and not for dinner and a movie).


Evangeline refuses to answer John's questions about Todd;

Then maybe he really is bigger.

Hugh becomes suspicious of Evangeline;

Is it possible the LPD will actually arrest someone who really did commit the crime?

Todd is unaware that Lindsay has seen him at the warehouse;

But oddly, he knows everything that goes on anywhere that Blair happens to be.

Natalie encourages Cristian to another victory;

She's turning into quite the little Adrian, isn't she?

Kelly burns the note she had left for Duke.

Being Kelly, something tells me she is not going to be smart enough to make sure all of the pieces burn.

Tuesday, March 14
Hugh arrests Evangeline for aiding and abetting a fugitive;

The thing is, Todd could actually get his own conviction overturned, since he is innocent of the crime of which he was found guilty and will no doubt ultimately produce sufficient evidence to that effect. Evangeline, however, is actually guilty of that whole "aiding and abetting" gig and will go to jail.  Ironic, that.

Todd hides out in the Lord mausoleum, where he encounters Tess;

Because all crazy people end up there ultimately.

Tess decides to try to find Nash;

Good call, girl, since he's the only person you can stand to have in the room with you.

The hotel security chief accuses Rex of having drugs;

I guess he just looks the part.

Clint and Viki seek information.

Information say Tonto no go to town (old Bill Cosby joke... move along)

Wednesday, March 15
Clint and Viki question Rose, who begins to remember traumatic events;

Does she have to turn into Hose to remember it?

Jessica appears to Tess;

In a ghostly form, I hope. Having Jessica pass to the great beyond leaving Tess behind to mind the farm would be blissful, mostly because I am tired of hearing all of these "loved ones" moaning and wailing to her face about how much they miss Jessica and want her back.  "I'M IN THE ROOM, OK???"  Talk about callous.  If she weren't already fractured, that would be enough trauma to split a person into another alter.

Nash considers selling the winery and making a fresh start;

It's not exactly as though he's made a good bit of wine there this year.  That place has seen way more whine than wine.

John promises Layla that he will help Evangeline;

Is there any character more worthless than Layla?  I mean really, what purpose does she serve on this show?  Did the writers invent her to be fake girlfriend to Antonio and then not know what to do with her any more?  OK, um... go file papers at Buchanan Enterprises.  And get me some coffee.

Rex is injected with drugs;

By a hotel security chief who hates to be wrong?

Adriana finds Rex.

She really has to do a better job of remembering where she leaves her things.

Thursday, March 16
Todd takes action when he learns Evangeline has been arrested;

He goes to the jail and informs her that she has to work harder to get his conviction overturned?  He goes to Nora's beside and complains to her about it?  Nora?  Nora who?  Did she actually re-sign her contract or was that a dream I had?

John tells Evangeline that Todd is on her side;

That has to be a major relief to her.  [insert eye roll here]

Dr. Crosby stands up to Hugh;

Oooh, a pissin contest.  Can I watch?

Spencer is not pleased when Blair suggests they stop seeing each other;

For the 87th time.

Paige confesses to David.

If we get to see David in a priest frock, I might swoon.


Sam struggles to accept the news that Alexis is her mother;

As do we all, Sam... as do we all.

Jason warns Sam about confronting Alexis;

Hide the steak knives!

Alexis tells Nikolas about the child she gave up;

And Nikolas informs Alexis that in doing so, she has dishonored Courtney and that he's ashamed of her.

Sonny tells Emily she is not to blame for his breakdown;

And here I was thinking she was.  How can anything not be all about Emily?

Alcazar announces Skye's pregnancy.

I am picturing big, fat, illegal Cuban cigars.

Tuesday, March 14
Jason tells Sam he will support whatever decision she makes;

Big of him.

Sam is hurt when she sees how loving Alexis is with Kristina;

Did she want Alexis to give Kristina up for adoption to in order to make Sam feel better?  (Not that Sam hasn't asked her to give up enough already to make Sam feel better)  (And no, this does not mean I am pro-Alexis and anti-Sam.  It means they are both idiots and that it must be genetic.)

Carly demands that Jason and Sonny stay out of her personal life;

Sounds reasonable.

Jax defends Carly to Robin;

Somehow, I'm not thinking the next spoiler will read, "And as a result, Robin sees the light and offers a sincere apology to Carly for her pious and all around shitty behavior).  (And no that doesn't mean that I am anti-Robin and pro-Carly.  It just means that I don't like Robin)

Luke realizes he has lost Skye.

He's about a week late on figuring that one out. 

Wednesday, March 15
Sonny admits that he trusts Emily more than Jason;

I hope if he admits that to Jason and that Jason just punches him right in the face and walks off.  Jason was taking care of Sonny while Emily was still practically shitting in her pampers.

Carly forces Max to admit that Sonny and Emily went away together;

Carly and Max are just so good together. I think it would make great story for the two of them to hook up.  There has always been that... something there.

Ric is unnerved to see Manny with Kristina;

Yep, that'd do it.

Jason encourages Sam to go to law school;

I mean, it only takes 2 weeks to get a law degree and pass the bar exam, then she can take on Alexis in heated cases in open court!

Dillon is angry to learn that Diego is free.

Or at least cheap.

Thursday, March 16
Sonny and Emily cannot stay away from each other;

This word "cannot" just astounds me in this context.  I think "will not" is more apt.  There is no "try," only do or do not.

Carly hides the truth from Jason;

Ooh.  Bad mistake.

Alexis fears Manny's anger;

Yeah, well, get him acquitted of some other major crime and he'll like you again, Lexi.

Jax refuses to allow Nikolas to see John;

I guess the whole "stealing the dead mother's cindered body" just didn't sit well with him.

Nikolas tells Emily he feels as if his life is out of control;

Y'think?  The cheese on the Cassadine cracker has always been perilously perched at best, so I don't think anyone should be surprised by that one, least of all, Nikolas who has witnessed to a lot of cheese falling in his time, not to mention the fact that his mother has no cheese in sight.

Jax is attracted to Carly.

She has the two requirements, one being a pulse.

Friday,  March 17
Sonny is shocked to learn the truth about Sam and Alexis;

I guess Jason trusted him enough to tell him.

Alexis comes face to face with Sam and Sonny;

And nothing happens.

Max takes drastic action to cover for Sonny and Emily;

This guy seriously needs a raise.

Jason catches Emily in a lie;

Pfft, which one?

Nikolas accuses Jax and Carly of betraying Courtney.

By taking care of her son 24/7?  Yeah, bad Jax and Carly


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