This week's spoilers used for commentary are compliments of our friends over at SOAPTOWN USA

For the Week of April 16, 2006

All My Children

99 44/100% Pure Soap!

Love it or hate it, AMC is pulling out all of the stops and it's not even May yet!  As a testimony to the awesomah powah of AMC, they are making me wait with baited breath to find out what is going to happen in a story (a few, actually, but this week we are discussing one) where I have no love for any character involved!

For instance, since the Carey women first twanged their way onto the screen (as my mother used to say about women with loose and wanton ways, "She tends to come into the room pelvis first."), I have disliked them both.  I hated how they used seemingly everyone around them and their blind devotion to one another in no way softened my cringing disdain for these two harpies who bled the life from everyone else around them.  Like two particularly tenacious ticks, they attached onto anyone and anything they felt could serve their immediate needs, filling themselves from the hard work and fortune of others, all the while prattling on about their own supposed sacrifices and hard times.  Users and liars and nepotists to the extreme. 

Yet I can't wait to find out if either of them really cares about their husband.  They are both putting on a good performance; however, both are confirmed con women.  They have each made their plan clear, right down to Krystal crossing her fingers as she hugged Adam.  At one point (I believe it was when she was in the hospital after Janet tried to fast freeze her), she told Baby told Krystal not to worry, her plan was still to marry JR and get full custody of Li'l A away from him. 

Sure, it's troubling to see the likes of Adam Chandler reduced to sniffing after a woman's skirt to the exclusion of all good sense.  It makes me wonder what Liza would think of the situation.  Ha, or Arlene... or Hayley... or Skye.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

But then, we look at the other side of the coin and wonder if maybe these users, these wallet-seeking-missiles, have finally met their matches in the Chandler charm and decided that they could be in worse situations than to be absolutely adored by incredibly wealthy, handsome, doting men.  Surely the trailer park back in Possom Grove or whatever the name of the rock is from which they crawled out from under isn't looking as good as the mansion with the servants, the platinum credit cards and the designer duds. 

Still another aspect of the situation is that I know the Chandler men.  Maybe they aren't as dumb as they appear at the moment.  The underlying "who's scamming who" theme cannot be denied.  While I have spoken at length about the anti-virtue of the Carey women, the Chandler men have a very long history of being complete and total assholes who, in the long run, invariably come out on top and get their way.  Honestly, I would guess that any of the four of these misguided, manipulative people could easily end up on either side of the "gotcha."

Until we know for sure (and honestly, I am not convinced that the writers have even decided), I'm paying attention and watching for signs!

One Life to Live

Natalie is worried about John's state of mind;

You know, I was thinking that it would be just damned fascinating if Natalie were to just worry about her damned self for a while and mind her own damned business and worry about her own damned state of mind for a change.  Y'think?

Vince arranges a meeting with Natalie;

Does this girl not watch TV?  You should NEVER arrange to meet with a skeevy guy on your own if you're a gurrrrrl.  I'll bet the first words out of her mouth are, "No one knows I'm here or that I even know you exist, so you don't have to worry about anyone walking up on us talking."

Layla senses something between Evangeline and Cristian;

So she asks him out?

Tensions escalate between Kevin and Duke;

Yeah, that whole, "Want to sleep with my stepmother, aka 'your wife' thing could definitely make things a bit testy."

Hugh gives Kelly a shoulder to cry on;

Is there a person attached to it or is it just a prosthetic?

Nora seems to improve.

That'll be quite enough from Nora for this month, I'm sure.  Someone needs to check her into General Hospital FAST. She'll be out of that coma and back to work within a couple of days.

Antonio visits Norman Leeds;

Talk about karma.  That guy won't get a minute's rest during his final hours. Everyone is taking a whack at killing him.

Claudia wonders how Norman is connected to Tess and Nash;

She might be crazy, but she's resourceful.

Kevin is angry when Clint confronts him about his drinking;

Most alcoholics are. 

Kelly has a heartfelt talk with Dorian;

I have to wonder how the grande dame will advise her on THIS one.

Rex and Adriana are unable to reach an understanding.

That was one very fast relationship.

Natalie fears for John if he is unable to solve his father's murder;

I fear for Natalie if she continues to live through other people.

John gets a new lead in his investigation;

See, Nat?  Nothing to worry about.

Spencer questions Michael about John's probe;

??!!  Soapbabie thinks this is kinda dirty.  I think Spencer should leave John's probe out of this.

Bo wishes Paige would confide in him;

About John's probe?

Nash eases Tess' fears about the baby and their future.

If stress and pregnancy do not make for good traveling buddies, this kid is going to have 3 heads, a tail and  third nipple.

John gets disturbing information when he questions Snyder again;

"Your girlfriend is going to crack if you don't prove to her you can solve this case."

Snyder warns John to give up;

"Turn back, Sarah.  Turn back before it's too late!"  <===movie line

Natalie and Evangeline argue about John;

Why not?  It's a day with a "Y" in it.

Todd asks Evangeline for a favor;

Make Natalie stop making sounds please?

Spencer has shocking news for Paige;

The Dow Jones is up by 3 1/4 %?

Nash and Antonio argue about Claudia and Tess.

Everyone is so busy worrying about everyone else and arguing about everyone else, I have to wonder if they even have a clue what's going on in their own lives.

Bo has a hard time believing John's accusation against Paige;

Because she's been acting so calm and normal lately...

John and Bo want answers from Paige and Spencer;

Don't we all?  *sigh*

Vince offers Natalie information but wants something in return;

Does he want her to try out his pool cue?  Blow on his chalk block?

David sets off on a mission;

Find a story of his own or else!

Tess goes into labor.

And she has such a little hump!  Good luck, 'ess.

General Hospital

Sonny accuses Jason of betraying him;

What?  Sonny finally came up for air long enough to realize that he no longer runs the business because, as Jason has pointed out, he's not bothering to run the business?  Admittedly, Sonny's conversation with Benny gave me a bit of the chills.  "Technically, I no longer work for you.  I work for Jason."  "Then what are you still doing in my house?"

Emily tries to stop Sonny's attack on Jason and is knocked down;

Better down than up.

Carly considers what to do with her knowledge about John's paternity;

Since Carly has never before had any knowledge, I'm sure this is a weighty decision for her.

Jax cannot bring himself to confess to Carly;

Since he hardly knows her, I can understand that.

Noah drops his lawsuit.

But then, to be helpful, Robin picks it up, dusts it off and says, "Is this yours?" and hands it back to him.

Sam is unsettled to realize that Jason is now the boss of Sonny's business;

Better than "the boss of me."

Carly keeps Nikolas from reading the results of the paternity test;

By translating it to English?

Jax refuses to confide in Carly;

Since he hardly knows her, I can understand that.  (Whoa. Deja Vu!)

Robin rejects Robert;

Hey, that's almost a tongue twister!  Say it really fast three times!

Georgie admits she has been corresponding with Diego.

If Georgie and Dillon break up over this hyena, I am going to be so pissed.

Jason and Sam reconcile;

Did he explain to her that Sonny's business was not her business so it didn't really matter what business calls him Boss Moss?

Carly urges Emily to leave Sonny so the situation between Sonny and Jason can be righted;

OH!  That should go far.  Despite her own hype, selflessness isn't really in Emily's repertoire of four feelings (outrage, disdain, lust and martyrdom).  Her family practically carries her on a chaise, chanting "oooh haaa haaa, oooh haaa haaa" up to a giant stone statue of Lila, gently put her down on the altar and bow before her like she's the risen Goddess of all that is good and holy.   If I hear one more person talk about how she's the "new Lila" or "the spirit of the Quartermaines" I will well and truly vomit.  With any luck, this aggressive occupation of Sonny's bang bed will make any words about her purity and sincerity (considering all the damned lying she's done) leave a bad taste in their mouths (sort of like... hydrogen peroxide). 

Elizabeth fears Lucky is jeopardizing his recovery;

And we now know that any county hospital is something to be feared.  People who are as high society as Lucky Spencer deserve so much more than the other 80% or so of American society who do not have someone to lie, cheat and steal to keep them in miracle hospital.  Some of us are just common folk.

Ric thinks Alexis is up to something;

It must be those badly done streaks in her hair that gave him the idea.

Maxie is unable to accept Jesse's death.

That should bring him right up out of the grave and back to normal in no time.

Carly is reluctant but allows Michael to throw a surprise party for Sonny's birthday;

I'm sure Emily will be excited to attend.  Everyone else... not so much.

Sonny refuses to give up his business without a fight;

How about if I just kick his ass and we call it a day then?

Alcazar assures Skye he is leaving his old life behind;

Behind the door, behind the couch, behind the shower curtain...

Noah seeks to prove himself;

If he would smile once, I'd need no more proof.

Someone is taking pictures.

As often as GH recasts characters, it's probably the only way they can keep track of who's who.

Ric fuels Sonny's desire to even the score with Jason;

Why that jealous little bitch!

Escobar challenges Jason;


The mystery photographer's identity is revealed;

Is it one of those things where you tell them you only want the picture packet that is in the special offer, but they take 100 other poses and sell you the shitty ones in the special offer, knowing fully well you won't turn down the other cool pictures that are $50 a sheet?

Jax realizes that Carly knows the truth about John;

Time to kill her.

Patrick is shocked by Robin's behavior;

If she climbs on top of the bar and dances like Liz did, I am so outta here.

Alexis accepts Durant's offer.

Since Ric is the District Attorney (he is still, right?), why do I have a sniggling feeling Alexis is going to be the new Public Defender?

Stay Cool Everyone,

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