This week's spoilers used for commentary are compliments of our friends over at SOAPTOWN USA

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For the Week of May 8, 2006

All My Children


Question:  What do you do if a woman stands in front of you and says, "I love you, I understand you're going through a horrible experience right now, but I am here for you and I'm going to stand beside you 100%.  We are madly in love and I don't want to lose that."

Answer:  You drop a house on her, miss and clobber the only person in town who is your friend, putting them into a life-threatening, baby-threatening coma, then refuse to own up to your actions like a real man.

At least, that is the answer if you are inside JR's twisted, f'd up head.  It's sad, really.  If nothing else, AMC is very good at showing us what it is like to be inside the mind of someone who criminally insane.  Just in recent history, we have toured the haunted corridors of Michael Cambias, Janet Dillon, JR, Erica, Amanda... not to mention Crazy Leslie Coulson not being too far from our memories.  Why can't the ghost of Jesse Hubbard haunt these people and tell them what not to do?

My question is what will Krystal do when she finds out that JR dropped a load on her baby doll?

When Dixie sneaks onto pregnancy island and breaks into Dr Madden's office, she finds out that all of these miracle pregnancies have only one sperm donor.  I wonder if it's Ryan Lavery.  Things that make you go, "Hmmmm..."

One Life to Live

A tornado tears through the church, seriously injuring Natalie and Evangeline;

I find it interesting that an act of God managed to reach into a building made of stone, glass, metal and wood and physically attack, among a huge group of people, the two folks in Llanview who irritate me the most, thereby proving that God Loves Sage more than He loves the rest of you.  Sorry folks.  I am the favorite child, as has been proven in living color on our teevees.  Of course, Antonio is still running around loose out there, but hold your doubts, naysayers.  God takes care of that one as well.

John tends to Natalie's leg wound;

I'll bet he tells her to take off her shirt and bra so he can make a turkey neck to stop the bleeding.

Cristian helps Evangeline;

Blind for 20 seconds and she already has a seeing eye artist.  Lucky broad.

Kelly and Duke act on their feelings;

As well they should after the evisceration Kevin performed on Kelly.  I don't even LIKE Kelly and I was devastated for her.  All I had to do was close my eyes and pretend he was talking that trash to Gina Tognoni's Kelly and my tears were rolling.  What a bastard.  I hope when he finds them in the rubble, they are still joined at the privvies.  I hated Kevin before and now I hate him any more.  If ANYone slights Kelly for banging Duke's brains out, they will have to answer to ME (and since God is on my side, they'd better think twice or they'll be feeling our WRATH!)

Marcie tells Michael to go help at the hospital;

Married for 27 seconds and she's already bossing his ass around.

David taunts Spencer.

Loved the photo tribute!  "Say cheese!" Pity he couldn't email it to the governor to grant Todd a reprieve!

Paramedics arrive to take Natalie and Evangeline to the hospital;

They took a whole day to get there?  That's a lousy response time!

John reveals his feelings for Natalie;

What, to a tree?  Because lord knows he's not going to tell HER.

Cristian vows to stay at Evangeline's side;

From the looks of the past few months, he didn't have anything better to do.

Antonio, Nash, Tess and the baby are in a crash;

See?  If Antonio had just let them leave when they wanted to, they'd be safe at home in a fortress by the time the storm hit.  Whadda dork.

The stalker kidnaps Adriana;

If the next line is "and takes her far, far away," then the stalker is an act of God as well.

A second tornado hits.

Just in case all of the people I hate were not maimed by the first one.

Cristian stays with Evangeline as she hears her prognosis;

You will never again have an interesting scene.

Natalie's condition improves;

Because how much really good bitching can you get done from a hospital bed?

John learns that David is in Bangkok;

Does he snigger behind his fist when he hears "Bangkok?"

Spencer orders Denton to track down David and Margaret;

They are sure getting their $5 worth from the Denton day player!

Nash revives Antonio;

After he is ELECTROCUTED by a hot power line that comes for him.  Bwahahaha.  I rest my case.

Kevin finds Duke and Kelly in the rubble.

More like he finds them in trubble.  Even though he drove her to it (as much as if he'd thrown her into the Benz and stepped on the gas himself), no doubt there's going to be more trash talk about whores and sluts and betrayers.  Sometimes the wrath of God is not physical pain, but mental torture, like finding your fiancée naked in rubble with your horny son. 

Kelly and Duke are in critical condition;

But was that before or after Kevin found them?

Kevin is forced to make an impossible decision;

Scotch or gin?  Shaken or stirred? 

John refuses to abandon his plan to please Natalie;

There are two ways to read that spoiler, so I am stumped.  It could either be saying that he has a plan which he refuses to abandon just to please Natalie or it could mean that he has a plan to please Natalie and refuses to abandon it.  Head hurts.  Moving on.

Natalie takes action;

Good thing she's all better.  >:<

Antonio opens his heart to Tess;

If only we were speaking literally here, as in cadiac surgery of the "do it yourself" kind.

Tess makes a kind gesture to Antonio.

I have some hand gestures *I* would like to make to Antonio, but none of them could really be described as "kind."

Bo warns John not to do something he will regret;

If he kills David Vickers, we will ALL regret it!

John gets a surprise when he boards the plane for Bangkok;


Spencer performs a very risky surgery on Kelly;

Risky because it might undo the sinister surgery he did on her before?

Kevin anguishes over his decision;

"Hmmmm.  Save my cheating bitch ex-wife finacee or my betraying son?  I think I'll have a drink and contemplate my options."

Todd has disturbing dreams about Margaret.

That she's alive and well and hanging out with David Vickers?

General Hospital

Jason convinces Alexis that she is Sam's mother;

Because as everyone in town knows, Jason never lies!

Alexis breaks down in Jason's arms when Sam's condition worsens;

Whoda thunk it?  Interesting the changes one piece of information can make.

Sonny tells Ric about Sam and Alexis;

Just like he told Emily about Sam and Alexis when it was not his to tell.  This guy is our new Amy Vining.

Jax is certain of his actions;

And doesn't really care that his actions would be considered wholly unethically by most rational thinking people.

Luke and Robert compete for Holly's affection;

Why can I only think about Tracy in this?

Lucky finds a note.

Yes, I left it.  It says, "Get out while you still can."

Jason and Alexis are unlikely allies as the watch over Sam;

I dunno.  I think it makes perfect sense, actually.

Emily has a suggestion to help Sam;

"Have Sonny, uh, bang her. It makes everything, um, better."

Nikolas is angry at Jason for keeping Sam and Alexis apart;

??!!  Since when does snotboy have a voice in this?

Sonny wants to reach out to Jason;

"How am I supposed to live without you?  Now that I've been lovin you so long?  How am I supposed to live without you when all that I've been living for is gone?"

Georgie feels abandoned;

I'm sure her stalker friend will be happy to keep her company.  Dumb bitch.

Lucky thinks Elizabeth is cheating.

Pfft.  At checkers, maybe.

Sam's condition goes downhill and Noah informs Jason that Sam's brain is bleeding;

You've got to admit, Jason is going to be a hard sell that brain damage could be a bad thing.  To his mind, his life only got better after a little rock lobotomy.

Elizabeth tells Jason that Patrick could save Sam;

OK, OK, I can't resist.  Here's the poem:

That Sam I Am, that Sam I Am
We cannot save that Sam I Am
Can we save her with a Sonny bang?
We can't even save her with Sonny's wang.

Can Patrick Drake save her life?
Not without some Robin strife.
What if Alexis is her mama?
No way without some angsty drama.

Doctor Emily is on the job!
But Emily is a freakin' knob
What if Epiphany will assist?
Then Noah will no doubt be pissed.

Can we just kill her off the show?
We asked but Guza said, "No Go."
Is she pregnant?  Can she be fired?
Her contract's not a bit expired!

This should be good for a week to pass
Then Miracle Hospital can fix her ass
She'll be as good as new again
As soon as sweeps come to an end.

That Sam I Am, that Sam I Am
We have to heal her now.  Damn.

(The End)

Alexis clashes with the mayor;

It was bound to happen with her penchant for lime green power suits and his affection for pink gingham dresses.

Lucky learns that Elizabeth has been meeting Patrick;

With all the swag Dr Testosterone throws out there, you've got to figure there's going to be some husband fall out somewhere.

Lucas asks Guy to the prom.

Makes sense because from the way GH presents it, Guy is the only other gay man in New York.

Jason and Alexis disagree about Patrick performing the operation on Sam;

One has to wonder if he would get distracted by her massive, perfectly formed bewbies and forget to actually do the surgery.  Being a non-medical person, I am stunned that she was shot in the lower, left back, but is bleeding in her brain.

Robin and Lulu try to convince Luke, Robert and Holly that they are too old for such adventures;

Yeah, good like with that one, whippersnappers.

The bounty hunters return;

A picture is worth a thousand words (For SB):

Emily is unsettled by Sonny's behavior.

After the whole "put a hit out on your brother" thing, NOW she's unsettled.

Noah warns Patrick that Sam would never survive the surgery;

The voice of doom has spaketh. 

Jason enlists Patrick and Elizabeth to help him get his way;

I'd love a team of people who help me get my way, but if they are as insufferable as Patrick and Emily, I'll pass.

Alexis threatens Jason;

Why not?  It's been almost a whole week now.

Emily is worried about Sonny's attitude;

He just isn't settling well into that "let's not kill people" dictate she issued.

Luke and Robert battle the bounty hunters; Carly battles with Jane.

My money is on Luke, Robert and Lady Jane by a long shot.

Stay Cool Everyone,

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