Change of Life

Aug 7, 2006

As I write this entry, it feels more like the end than the beginning.

I started this quest so many years ago, but this particular journal began with the planting this spring. The point was to change my life in a meaningful way, change how I look at food and health, change how I engage the world and ultimately, change how I look.

As I read back over all of these pages, from the "Fatastic Journal" through the "Nurturing, Not Numbing" pages and on into this one, I can see clearly the progression that has taken me to where I am now.

August 1st was Lammas, the first harvest, and we planned to celebrate last Sunday, which was July 30th. Jennifer's car would not start, so we were delayed out a week. Like most unexpected reschedulings, this turned out to be for the best.

When I went to bed Saturday night (of this past weekend), I was pretty sure I knew what was up with my harvest. Eric and I had just had another very challenging verbal exchange. I swear, so much of the time it seemed like we were trying to enact a stage play when we both have different scripts and are speaking different languages. It ended on a very frustrated note somewhere around 1am. Primarily, I began a conversation with him telling him that I felt bored and uninspired as of late. That continued on with an analysis of whether or not I have been bored and uninspired for years and years. Of course, Dr Phil says, "Bored people are boring."

During the course of conversation, he said (in very exasperated tones), "TELL ME SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER SAID BEFORE! All I hear you saying are the same things, over and over and over. We always have the same conversations and nothing ever changes." He's right, of course, but what stuck with me from the whole evening was, "Say something you've never said before." I actually, in a fit of pique, said, "You are a latent homosexual and you attack me because I represent your last tie to the heterosexual world." I didn't really think he was a latent homosexual. I just wanted him to realize that I truly could say something that I'd never said before. It did quite stop him in his tracks and he spent a good bit of the rest of the night considering whether or not he actually was a latent homosexual. I was both impressed and slightly stunned by this since I expected him to scoff and say, "No, I'm not a latent homosexual." Instead he said something like, "Hmmm." Inside, I thought, "Oh, this might not go well."

Earlier in the night, before the whole "latent homosexual" thing came flying unbidden out of my traitor mouth, he challenged me yet again by saying (with that "is he passionate or is he exasperated or what?" tone), "Do SOMETHING that you can't think of doing!" I wanted to scream at him, "Stop reading esoteric fortune cookies to me! 'Do something you can't think of doing! Say something you've never said.' ARRRGH!"

So as I drifted off to sleep in my bed with Eric out on the bedroom balcony (essentially, his "flop house" - When we bought the house, I pictured myself spending hours drinking tea, watching the sun come up, basking in the mountain beauty, reading, meditating, greeting the world... Ha! That balcony is so much his that if I got out there, I feel as if I walked in on him while he was taking a crap - or worse - eep!... somehow, it was just known by both of us that it was his paradise and I am good with that) contemplating his sexuality, latent or otherwise, I prayed the same prayer I always pray after we've argued, because I always feel that he has been mean to me. It sounds like a prayer Tracy Flick would pray in the movie "Election" (which you really must see if you have not, it's wonderful):

"Dear Blessed Mother... please assist me in manifesting your grace and wisdom in all things. Give me the patience and fortitude to withstand the stones he throws and the thorns he uses to poke at me and guide me into gentle understanding of how I should engage him and the rest of the world to move smoothly and unerringly into our greatest good."

Then I pray to Kali Ma, the wild and valiant protector of women, "Most Honorable Kali... Please go out there on that balcony and totally kick his ass. Defend your priestess daughter and show him what an ass he is being. I leave this in your capable hands."

Then I fell into blissful sleep. I didn't even wake up when he came in to get into bed. I just slept.

I woke up at 5am on Sunday (with Lammas ritual to be that early evening) and stumbled almost blindly down the stairs to let the dogs out to pee. When they are ready to go out, they will designate one dog to bark loudly, one yip only. They will then wait about 60 seconds and again, one bark. By then, I am usually downstairs because although I sleep well, I tend to sleep lightly.

I let the monkeymutts out and on my way from the back door, I passed by my lover, my siren, my weakness... the couch. I do so adore my couch. The stairs would be such a long climb, so I plucked a Spiderman blanket from the laundry room and curled up in my spot on the couch, all cozy to finish my sleepedy sleep.

It was blissy.

I dozed off and all of a sudden, my eyes shot open.

"Oh shit!"

It was as if my head was hardwired to the Hard Drive of the Goddess and I was on lightning fast DSL download. I could feel my head and my spirit filling up with stuff; clickety, clickety click, all of these files dropping into place to create one big picture that made everything else make sense. I do mean EVERYTHING. Almost every mystery in my life was unlocked.

So we stop the story there and back track a bit.

When I first planted in the Spring, remember it was for "healthy weight loss." Then in May, I was given the redirect to replant and change to "health and wellness," figuring the weight loss would be a bonus. I hesitated to replant because I didn't want to exploit this change and take a chance that it was a cop out. I kept getting the messages, so I said, "Fine, I'll do it." ...and I did.

Over the past 3 months since I replanted, I found my healthy vitamin supplement regimen. I take B-12 for mood stabilization, Biotin for skin, Weight Smart multivitamins, Flax seed for my heart and cranberry for my urinary health.

Before I left for my trip in July, I found the diet and exercise plan that works wonders for me. Five days a week of cardio, at least 25-30 minutes and 4 days or more of strength training, plus a diet of lots of water, low carbs, low calories and a good amount of (whole) food. I lost 3 pounds the week I tried it and felt really good.

When I went to LA, because I was putting a disproportionate amount of pressure on the trip to save me from my life and from myself, I decided beforehand that I did not want to take my diet with me. I just wanted to relax and to BE.

I came back from that experience 3 pounds heavier, but since then, I have taken it off again and now I am a grand total of 5 pounds lighter than when I planted, not much at all, however, my systolic blood pressure has dropped by 10 points and my diastolic has dropped by 20 points. I am actually back on the charts and in a normal range again. I am no longer symptomatic for any of the high blood pressure or diabetic issues. I actually feel wonderful now that the only vaginitis I've had in 15 years has pretty much subsided. I would feel it was specific to some health issue in me except that four of the seven of us who attended got the same thing.

Dr Christiane Northrup says that vaginal infections tend to happen in conjunction with times when a woman feels that her established boundaries have been disrespected by someone. I found that to be very interesting.

So in terms of the health and wellness I planted, when I went to bed, praying those two prayers, I really thought I understood my harvest and that I had done well. I did not get the weight loss that I hoped I would get, but wow, I got every tool I needed to do so and I was in the best health I'd been in for a long, long time.

Then came the download.

It was such a wow moment.

The first thing I got was hearing myself say, "I can think off five pounds," meaning that I usually have no trouble losing the first five pounds. I tweak my eating, start exercising and lose that five pounds, then I get bored or something comes up that justifies the need for the instant gratification and comfort I get from eating and pretty soon, those pounds are back, sometimes with their friends.

I heard in my head, "That's great! Just do that 18 times!"

Well crap, 18 isn't all that much! Hell, I've DONE that hundreds of times in my life. I can do it 18 times!

So I just have to take off 5 pounds 18 times (and not the same 5 pounds).

That was the tiny bit of it.

Then came the big reveal.

"Say something you have never said before."

Like, "I was wrong?"

One of Eric's major complaints about me is that he says I cannot take criticism. I counter that I can't take criticism from him because he can't criticize without being an asshole about it.

That is the dynamic into which we are locked. He is unhappy about my weight and isn't nice about how he shares that info with me, so I disqualify anything he says. No matter what he suggests about the running of the house, I shut him out because of his delivery.

I've watched him struggle with this our whole marriage. He apologizes over and over for it. Yet it doesn't change. He doesn't realize that the way he is speaking would be interpreted by most intelligent people as being extremely snotty and condescending. That chip is missing in him.

As his frustration grows over me not responding receptively to his ideas, his barbs become sharper and then he does get intentionally mean with his words.

...and I become less receptive.

Basically, a dynamic has been created that means that he has no voice. Because he is socially retarded in how he delivers even the slightest suggestion or request, I have completely closed off to anything he has to say in that regard.

I have a smart remark or come back or defense for anything he says.

I have been very, very angry for a long time.

I started off by getting angry with Paul for being an abusive alcoholic and that never really went away. When I married Eric, because he could not seem to form a civil word when he was frustrated about something, I simply transferred my Paul anger to him.

And there it stayed.

The absolute worse thing for Eric is to not be heard. He isn't worried so much about the delivery (which is in actuality, only a small part of our problem); he's worried about me really hearing what he has to share with me. I've pretty much denied him that for my whole marriage by having a snide counter to anything he says that isn't about how much he loves me.

The doors have closed like crazy on both sides as a result.

I have lived my life as a very, very angry person as a result.

He has become a very, very angry person as a result.

Lots of anger.

Throughout of all our challenges and hard times during our marriage, this continued, but it really hit the extreme this year and it seemed like no matter how much we loved each other, I felt as though he was always picking on me and bitching about something and he always felt like I was indifferent to anything he wanted or needed from me.

I never really got all that until yesterday morning.

Even though he told me clearly, I threw a "he's whining" bandaid over it and ignored it.

I looked back on all the ways that I had contaminated our marriage with my refusal to accept even the slightest criticism from him. It got to the point that I heard snideness even if it wasn't there. I blamed that on him as well, saying if he hadn't been such an ass, I would not be such a bruised and damaged person who overreacted.

I also contaminated our marriage by not just getting over it. I dragged out my martyrdom and anger on parade any time he was not 100% happy.

No matter how much I loved him, I was always angry with him under it all, punishing him with a life sentence for the fact/sin that the man does not have it in him to communicate effectively.

Do something you can't think of doing.

I did. I apologized to him. A few hours earlier, I would have had quite a reaction at the thought that *I* needed to apologize for anything in all this. Now, I felt something completely different.

At first, I sat on these thoughts, turning them over and over in my head for about a while. It was like having a really precious secret. I remembered when, just after midnight on July 5, 1997, I was climbing into bed and my water broke. I put on a pad, made a cup of herb tea and crawled into bed, feeling the contractions begin and waiting until I finished that one cup of tea before I called Eric or the midwives or anyone. I was the only one in the whole world who knew my baby was coming that day, in just a few hours.

As I sat there mulling over those thoughts yesterday morning, I knew that I was the only one who knew I had the key to it all.

I waited until 7:30, then went upstairs and pushed Eric awake. He normally sleeps in until 10am or so on the weekends.

I waited until he was focused and then told him how sorry I was that I had carried around all of this anger directed at him for so long and that I can't imagine what that must be like to live with on a day to day basis. I told him about what I'd gotten in response to his weird suggestions (italics above) and that the anger was gone; he would not encounter it again. He hugged me, kissed me and we cried together. He said, "This changes everything. This turns it all around."

I told him I just wanted a do over and he said, "You'll always have a do over with me."

He ended up getting up then instead of going back to sleep and we spent the rest of the morning together until the boys woke up and needed attention. The rest of the day, I spent totally cleansing my house. I scrubbed and cleaned and wiped and scraped everything from the walls to the hearth to the floors to the refrigerator freezer. Eric helped by cleaning the bathroom, the turtle tank and such things. All day, we felt extremely affectionate and chatty, talking (and I mean actual conversation) as we haven't in a long time. It was a really, really lovely day.

How does that all fit into a weight loss journal? A year or so ago, when I read Dr Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge, he was pretty convinced that everyone who is fat has issues or pain and that they eat to numb that pain. I went through a lot of years of working through my past, digging for the nuggets of pain I could unearth to let me release the fat and stop eating to numb all of the mess in my spirit. I thought I'd done a fine job and I thought I was pretty well adjusted. I thought any pain I had was an immediate result of Eric's caustic nature in his manner of speaking to me. It never dawned on me that I needed to let go of MY anger to not only have us be OK, but to get over the pain and release the fat.

After my epiphany, I felt elated and powerful. I felt as though the weight of the world was off my shoulders. All through yesterday, I felt this completely unbearable lightness of being. It was lovely.

That has carried through today as well. My connection with Eric is still really good without any of the underlying anger hanging around. I was able to see how my subtext of anger penetrated a lot of my experiences over the past several years. I feel more relaxed than I have in forever. I was also able to separate out what I want from being angry about not having it in a couple of circumstances today, just stating the facts as they are instead of personalizing them.

Because of all of this, I feel completely ready to release the fat into the coming dark of the year. I know the diet plan that works perfectly for me. I know the exercise plan that works perfectly for me. I have released the anger and I am ready to get busy.

That's why this feels more like the end of the process instead of the beginning. It has taken so long to get me to this place and I was so grateful to go into Lammas celebration last night and share my harvest. Today is very much the first day of the rest of my life and the weight is ready to be shed.

Oh, and after a great deal of personal evaluation and consideration, Eric has decided that he actually is not a latent homosexual.

Sorry, Sage.

July 5, 2006

How interesting that I called this journal "Change of Life" when it was started with the theme of weight loss on my mind. They always say it has to start from the inside and work out and I truly feel that is the case, although there is a lot to be said for "fake it until you can make it."

I have by no means made it yet, but there is definitely a change in my life.

I have found so many wonderful epiphanies since I planted the goal of health, wellness and strength back in the spring. We just passed Summer Solstice, which is when I should be able to "see the crops in the field," meaning that the way my harvest will take form has been revealed, even though it is not yet here.

That is the harvest that comes between August 1 and Sept 21. There is another harvest from Sept 22 - Oct 31 that is the second harvest. It is symbolized by the nuts, berries and fruits that are harvested later in the year. These are "crops" that would grow with or without the help of people. There are blackberries growing in the wild without farmers coming along to water, fertilize and tend them. Apples and hickory nuts can grow out in the woods, mature, fall to the ground and rot (or be eaten by animals) and never once see a human being. Because of the nature of that second harvest, it's considered to be the "boon harvest," which are the gifts of the God and Goddess that come to us as a reward for our efforts and as a "surprise" to bolster the harvest we bring in from the fields. "Yayyy! Free food!" might not mean a lot to us now, but centuries ago, that second harvest could be the difference between surviving and starvation through the winter.

The second harvest reflects in our life as blessings and additional bounty that comes our way. It brings the special gifts from the God and Goddess that we are not expecting. It could be something tangible or just a new and special aspect of the first harvest that we did not see right away.

I can feel that both of my harvests will be wonderful this year. Being told to focus all of my energy on just one thing (which is a theme I have heard MANY Pagans who follow this path mention for this particular year) put all of my eggs in one basket and provided enormous clarity. In challenging times when things are going on that we do not understand and seem to be happening outside of our control, one of the first things we will do before freaking out is to ask ourselves, "How does this tie into my harvest?" From that perspective, the answer almost always comes quickly.

There have been some very painful moments in the past few months that were so emotional that they almost knocked me down. How can this be happening to me? This is so bizarre? This isn't my life! Once I looked at them from the angle of harvest, it always made sense.

Through the belly dancing I have been learning from the DVD and from exposure to some other people (none of whom I knew personally) who do not take things like this so seriously, I have learned to not be ashamed of my fat. Before, I chose not to wear shorts or tank tops in public because of my leg flab and arm flab. I don't "suck in" as much as I used to and it was once (and for a long, long time) an unconscious movement. Unless I was sleeping, my belly was sucked in. Now it just lolls right out there and I don't give a damn.

I no longer feel separate and apart from my fat. I used to feel like I was wearing a fat suit and the real me was inside. I saw my fat as some kind of disconnected entity holding my beautiful, slim body hostage. Now, I know that my fat is me, 100% and is to be honored as such.

Even though I did not think it was the case, I know now that I used to feel self-conscious about my fat and worry what others thought of me for being overweight. I worried that they thought less of Eric for being with a fat woman or worse, thought, "Awww. Look at that wonderful hot man who is willing to be with such a fat woman." Now, if people don't see past the fat to assess me, then they are likely not someone whose opinion would matter to me anyway."

I have several friends who are bigger than I am and my heart goes out to them because I see how it impacts their lives. I see that it is sometimes hard for them to breathe and move around freely. I know the pain they have in their joints and the difficulty in buying clothes, in going to a theater or in fitting into an airline seat. I know the scornful looks people shoot their way as they are judged for their "self inflicted" condition and how cruel people can be. I love these friends so dearly and I admire them for working so hard to continue on with their lives rather than hide away. No one realizes that it's a horrible, insidious toss up as to which is harder: losing weight or living as a fat person.

There are so many emotional factors involved and when you live a life where food is the only way you are emotionally nurtured and the only way you can feel better, its draw is stronger than heroin. Not to mention that there is the problem of having to eat to live. You can't just not eat. It's like a smoker who has to take a few drags 3-4 times a day, but is still expected by society to no longer be addicted to cigarettes and to never, ever take more than those few drags throughout the day.

I have learned that despite what I thought inside before, the friends I have who are focused strongly on physical fitness are doing their own thing. Just as I have friends are are bigger than I am, I have friends who are in what I would call perfect physical condition and *I* am the bigger friend. Whether or not they consider that to be the case isn't important for the sake of this discussion. I see them as physically perfect and I know that they work hard to be that way. I used to think their determination was out of fear of looking like me. I imagined that they looked at me and thought, "I will NEVER, EVER look like Katrina." They chanted that very thing (in my mind's ear) as they exercised frenetically. I felt inadequate because I did not want to be anyone's "fat friend" who made them look smaller in photographs and I didn't want to be anyone's worst case scenario.

This year, I came to the absolutely blinding realization that what they are doing when they work out and continue to tune themselves physically is not at all about me. Think of that! It's about them and the expectations they have for themselves. How funny that we train ourselves to be so ego driven that we think we are involved with the every thought and action of another person.

I have learned that quite simply, I feel better when I exercise. When I don't, especially if a day or two passes, I feel sluggish and tired, as though my insides aren't working right. I still do not particularly like exercising, but I have learned that it's very much worth the 20-30 minutes out of a day to feel better for the remaining 23 1/2. I sleep better. I think more clearly. I am more grounded and peaceful. I am not as hungry. I have greater self-esteem. My blood pressure is considerably lower. It's just an all around good thing.

I feel better when I drink water or something water related like lightly-steeped tea or Crystal Light. If I don't, I can feel the chemicals from the diet soda moving through my bloodstream like acid and that makes me feel really yucky. I don't sweat well if I'm not getting enough water and that makes me feel all clogged up and icky with toxins inside. I also don't pee well.

It feels wonderful to be so much stronger. I have not been exercising as much as I would like to lately, but I am still enjoying the benefits of additional strength. It is amazing how quickly the muscles react to strength-building exercises, so that even if they are still surrounded by fat, they work better and you can feel so much stronger. I could not lift the turtle tank (a huge aquarium) before to change the water by myself and now I can. I could not carry a full laundry basket up the stairs to put away clothes, but now I can. I could not swing a pick axe to dig through the layer of rock under the dirt in our back yard, but now I can. Those changes are very helpful and impressive to me.

I like that the exercise has made me more graceful and sure footed. The yoga and belly dancing also help with this.

I love that after extensive trial and error, that there are some supplements (Slim Quick) that make me want to kill people and some (Relacore) that make me feel very blissy and comfortable. Then there is an entire spectrum in between.

All of these things being considered (and so many others), I have found that I really don't care and it doesn't matter what I weigh when harvest is over. The Universe, in its incredible wisdom, guided me to move from planting "weight loss" to "health and wellness." Little did I realize how much those two things are mental and emotional before they are physical. The mind, body and spirit are so incredibly connected that one cannot grow or develop without the other. I honestly thing that physical manifestation is the last in line.

This means, to me, that I can see my crops in the field and know how my harvest will come into being this year. I am very, very happy with the results and believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

As far as I am concerned, the struggle is over. The only place there ever was a battle was inside of me and we have made friends.

(I could end this with a pithy comment about "and my friend wants some ice cream," but it really isn't like that. My friend wants the last glass of water before bed, then a good night's sleep).

Hugs and much love to you all,

June 14, 2006

Hurray! I am now a week past being over the worst part of my recent illness, whatever it was, and the five pounds is still gone! Plus, I am on my period right now, so I am likely going to have dropped a bit more when it's finished! Success is definitely the best incentive to work hard at this! It feels as though every ounce of those 5 pounds came off of my belly and my ass.

I have not been able to exercise before today and that means the last time I did was... lessee... probably May 31 or so. I just haven't had the strength. Today, I did aggressive yard work like mowing, raking, shoveling and picking up rocks. I worked up quite a sweat for an hour.

This five pounds feels like the beginning and I am certain I will never see them again. I am eager for the buddies of that five pounds to move away with it. The sickness definitely did something to my metabolism and reset my appetite. I can't drink caramel colored drinks very well now. They are like acid in my stomach. I can drink diet lemon-lime drinks OK and some juices. Water and milk don't seem to be irritants. I can drink tea as long as it is lightly steeped. It makes me wonder if this is what our stomachs were like when they were new and pink and unscarred by the nasty things we put into them.

I eat a good breakfast, but only until I am full. I usually don't crave a midmorning snack. I have a light lunch, like a sandwich on whole wheat or some soup or leftovers, then an afternoon snack, a good dinner and then I'm none. No snacks or eating after dinner is over, usually by 7pm. I haven't had any cravings. If I am hungry at an irregular time, then I eat, but that is rare. I know that with a day of heavy eating, all of this could be undone, so I am working hard to honor where I am now since it is working so well. I have a tendency to eat just because I know something tastes good rather than because I am hungry and I will have to constantly be on guard not to do that.

I think with some exercise eased back into my days, this new way of eating is going to do the job quite well. It feels very, very good.

May 22, 2006

It's a week into the new way of being in the world. I have not weighed or measured, which is part of focusing on health rather than weight loss. I exercised every day last week, aggressively. I walked the dogs (about 45 minutes per time) now and then. I walked to the school and back (3 miles). I gazelled for 30 minutes total with strength exercises every 10 minutes in between, plus 50 crunches. I have eaten what I wanted, but have definitely noticed that my portions are considerably smaller, about half, actually, than they were a year ago.

I can feel that my body is getting a lot stronger. I can sail up the steps at home now without even thinking about it. Today, when I biked to the post office and back, I was remembering the last time I tried it when I swore I'd never touch the bike again. I was huffing and puffing and dying and truly felt like I was going to have a heart attack after riding and walking the bike the two miles round trip to the post office (I mean these hills are mountains). This time, I was winded and could really feel my pulse, but I did not have the impression I was going to die unless someone plowed into me from behind. It was raining like mad, so I had a baseball cap to at least keep my head somewhat dry. The downhills, of course, were fairly easy, except that some of the downhills were a little too scary. At my size, you become painfully aware that if you wipe out, some bones are going to break. (Plus there is the issue to consider that the brakes on this bike are just not all that) The uphills are challenging and there always comes a time where I have to get off the bike and walk. All in all, it was a good experience, especially compared to last time, and really showed me how far I have come. It was 45 minutes of good pulse rate.

Eric actually commented that I felt smaller to him, so that was very nice. I feel healthier and more spiritually at peace than I have in a long time.

This, as Martha would say, is a good thing.

May 15, 2006

This probably sounds like it's going to be a menopause journal and while that might come up, the focus is on changing my life. As those of you who follow my Fatastic Journal (which is now laid to rest) and my Nonsoapy/Diva Earthmom/Life Forensics journals know well, I have been fighting a battle with my weight for a long time. I have a lot to lose, between 90-100 pounds.

I started gaining weight in 1990 when I was almost 30. Although I was never a lightweight except when I was starving myself, for the two years before I started gaining, I was in exemplary physical condition. I ran 3 miles every day, getting up at 5am to do it before Paul left for work, then 5 miles each day on the weekend. I hated every minute of it and never did get that runners high I was promise, but it did the job and I had very little body fat and lots of muscle. One day, I got a little tear in my running shorts and my inner thigh chafed. It was absolutely too sore and painful for me to run. I rarely did again after that. I was done.

I changed my life dramatically in 1990. Paul and I had separated several times, 7-8, in the 12 years we'd been married. Our relationship was not a happy one for the most part and I did a lot of acting out as a result. I am not proud of some of the ways I behaved and would never dream of being "that person" now. Then, I was a pinball trying to find some kind of self-esteem somewhere. Like Maya Angelou says, "I did what I knew how to do and when I knew better, I did better." Now I know better. When Paul and I reunited that last time in 1990, I determined to do the right thing and be the best person I could. That meant biting down on a lot of things I would normally say and not doing a lot of things I would normally do. I would invest fully into my family and do my very best to be there for all of them instead of my life being little more than a snipe hunt, trying to find some comfort somewhere. It was also around this time that I moved from solitary practice in Craft to group practice and the group support was very comforting and gave me a lot of strength.

When I began interacting in that capacity, I started to eat for additional comfort. By 1991, I'd gained 80 pounds. It happened so fast! Paul and I divorced and over the years, a lot happened. I had three more babies. Paul and I briefly remarried. We divorced and I married Eric. There were two constants throughout that time. One was that I continued to get bigger and bigger. The other was change. I changed so much on the inside on all levels. I grew on all levels (including physical).

I have actively tried to lose weight since early 1996, just before Paul left us that summer. That time, it was PhenFen and dear lord, what an effective tool! It was even better than Stacker 2 (the old yellow kind). I started losing weight right away and was very, very happy with the results. Of course, we had no clue about strokes and heart attacks from these drugs back then. When the divorce happened, the bottom fell out and since then, I have gained a little each year. In the past several years, I have fluctuated between 226 (my highest setpoint for a while) and 253 (my highest weight ever). As an adult, I have weighed as little as 119 and I looked extremely ill and skeletal. When I was running and had a low percentage of body fat, I weighed between 125-130. I am just a hair under 5'5" and I will be 45 years old in September.

I do not expect miracles. I am shooting for 150-160 as a goal weight range. That would be thrilling. Getting below 200 would be thrilling.

I have tried many things, all different kinds of diets, many different exercise techniques and an amazing host of supplements. What works best, as absolutely anyone knows, is to limit caloric intake, drink a lot of water and get exercise, both strength-building and aerobic.

This year for my goal, I planted "weight loss." That was in March (Spring Equinox). I started working with earnest and have lost 3 pounds. I have lost 8 inches from my body since September. Those are very good things.

My husband has had a strong interest in my progress. He really wants to see what I look like as a lean, strong and healthy person. I have been fat ever since he met me. I admire that he was able to let go of his concept of beauty and marry me, despite his attraction being toward women who are not shaped the way I am. I am very eager to be small again too. It means a lot to me.

Eric's eagerness for me to get well into the accomplishment of my goal has led him to say some hurtful things and not handle his own involvement in a particularly positive way. For the most part, he has been extremely supportive and wonderfully patient and understanding. There have been times, however, when it has been hard for me to get past some of the things he has said with the intention of motivating me.

I have invested a lot of time, money and tears into trying to get to where I want to be. Admittedly, my progress has been minimal, yet I am still grateful for every pound and every inch gone.

I have been going through a mild depression for a couple of months now and could not really put my finger on what was bringing me down. I spent the past week working on it and gave myself the deadline (I work best under pressure) that I would have the initial resolution by Friday night (Full Moon) and would have the issue finalized by Monday night (outside of the 3 days of the Full Moon's energy).

I put that time limit energy out there, then started mulling things over.

Interestingly enough, that week we came up with car problems that took over a lot of energy and thought, so my plan to work on the depression took a back seat while we worked on the more immediate and practical need of transportation. We set up an appointment to see a car on Friday. Thursday night, I was doing some site work and Eric did as he often does and came up behind me and started massaging my shoulders and stroking my hair. Before I even realized what I was doing, I told him I needed to tell him something. The words just started coming out of my mouth so fast that I, myself, was curious to hear what I was going to say. Sort of like talking in tongues in the Christian church, I just gave over to it and let it happen. I found myself telling him that I loved him so much and very much cared about what he needed and wanted in his life, but that I was changing what I planted. It's strange to do so after Beltane, the time when the planted seed is fertilized, but when we planted, there was still easily over a foot of snow on the ground, so it wasn't exactly timely, which meant I felt OK since we were technically off schedule anyway.

So I told Eric that instead of planting weight loss, I was going to plant health and fitness. I am going to continue drinking water. I am going to continue exercising every day and make sure I hit every day with good, vigorous exercise. I am not, however, going to consider myself to be on a diet. I won't binge. I won't go mad with eating foods that aren't good for human bodies, but I am going to not be watching every calorie and making diet monitoring such a major focus in my life. I want to enjoy eating a meal instead of having to count points and balance out carbs and proteins and worry about what I ate two days ago for breakfast. I have already dramatically reduced my portions over time and my cravings are pretty much gone.

I wondered how Eric would feel about what I told him. I was surprised to hear the words coming out of my mouth even though I had in no way consciously made this decision. Would he think I was giving up? Would he be terribly disappointed? Instead, he listened to what I said, then gave me a big hug and told me that he had been trying to think of a way to suggest the same thing to me without sounding as though he didn't think I could do it and had no faith in me. I felt as though the weight of the world came off my shoulders. I felt light and joyful and happy and more myself than I have felt in months, maybe even years.

I took a few days to work into my newfound freedom and let today, the day I originally planned as my final day of resolution on the issue of my depression, be the day I started exercising.

Each day between now and then felt better. I woke up smiling. I had more energy. I FELT healthier and stronger. Today, rather than dreading my exercise time, I embraced it with enthusiasm. It was a gift of love to myself. As Jennifer pointed out when I told her my decision, it is working from a position of abundance rather than deprivation.

Today, after the boys took off, I grabbed the walking harness and began walking the puppies. Baby and JoBu got the short route (about a third of a mile each), but Muggles and I were having so much fun that we took the long route. I was gone for about an hour total and never once had to stop and catch my breath, even though there was some pretty critical huffing and puffing going on as I went up the last hill each lap. My hip sockets were singing Dixie about halfway up that big hill each time, but I kept walking. It felt good for the first time in forever.

An online friend of mine, when I wrote about this in my Life Forensics journal, pointed out something I had not considered.

The Universe works in such a funny way. Sometimes, the interpretation is so literal that it's amazing. I planted "weight loss" and specifically used those words.

Since then, I have the "weight" of the world off my shoulders. I have shed an old dryer that was held together by duct tape (I bought it used in 1996), an old car we inherited from Joe that was on its last leg when he had it, a 10 yard dumpster of things I'd carried around with me move after move after move, a lot of old, nasty carpet that reeked and the weight I carried of never, ever, no matter how hard I tried being able to keep my house clean. All that weight is now gone. That's thousands of pounds.

Now that I've lost all that weight, it's time to get fit and healthy. That being the case, I decided I wanted a new journal format. Fatastic is find, but I don't want the focus to be on my fat. I want it to be on my evolution toward health. As I was looking for a pretty butterfly to use on this new column (a butterfly best symbolizes where I'm going - it starts out as something big and clunky and becomes something svelte and beautiful), I found this one that I really liked, then found this on the same page:

Live the examined life, subjecting my motives and actions to the scrutiny of mind and heart so to rise above prejudice and hatred.

Care.

What is so interesting about that is that I just also redid my personal journal, titling it "Life Forensics - Because the Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living." This was taken from a quote by Socrates. Seeing the same quote by the butterfly gave me a wonderful little validation to what I am doing.

I'm happy and I plan to stay that way. I will still be posting here from time to time about the more physical aspects of my life.

Ha! There was just a commercial for "Johnson Naturals" on TV and right as I was getting ready to follow up that last paragraph with the sentence "This feels right," the commercial said those exact words.

Synchronicity is so cool.