January 6, 2007  

This week, we’re serving up caffeine fixes and mob hits at Sonny’s new coffeehouse.  He must have built it some time in between digging for gold in his backyard and bottling gallons of Sonny’s Special Sauce last spring.  It’s the perfect place for sipping your soy latte, pressuring your associates for more ‘returns,’ and saying hi to the kids afterschool.  There’s nothing quite like wheatgrass on the tables and weapon searches by the bathrooms.  Give Sonny’s Java Shack a whirl! 

Port Charles has weathered the Star Trek invasion this past year, with Romulan Nanny Colleen and Tuvok, the oncologist, but there’s been another silent menace in our midst--the slow onslaught of billowy sleeves.  Alexis, Carly, and Emily have all fallen victim to this scourge but those battles pale in comparison to Skye’s torment.    I think the sleeves would like to make her their queen.  Almost every outfit she’s worn has been marred by their presence.  Robin Christopher is an incredibly beautiful woman but Skye hasn’t been allowed to show it between those yards of fabric.  It makes me wonder if her arms are now attached to her sides and the sleeves are meant to hide the deformity.  This is a fashion emergency almost as bad as Tracy’s suit jackets.  Send in the Queer Guys to the wardrobe department-STAT!   

Not that it’s any surprise, but Carly doesn’t seem at all concerned that the baby she stole with Jax, nurtured in a loving den of security and sex with her newly dead best friend’s ex-husband, has been kidnapped.  She practically demanded that she talk to Sonny before Mike, who wanted to ask for help finding Spencer.   What was more important to Carly than the child she claimed she loved six months ago?  Telling Sonny to stop kissing her because it’s not very nice.  This is the woman that we’re being trained to believe is Mother of the Year?  It’s a good thing that Spencer ended up with Nikolas because he’d probably be dead, not just kidnapped, by now with Carly as his mother figure.  She’d forget about him every time the phone rang and probably leave him in the bath tub to rush out and help Jason with a hangnail. 

I’m still not sure what happened on Friday.  Did Carly really think she can help Sam and Jason conceive?   She seemingly believes that locking them in a room and making them boink until a baby comes out is somehow helpful.  Does she plan to critique their “performance” and give them tips on the best positions to let those sperm swim free?  I have no idea why Jason puts up with her.  There’s loyalty and then there’s idiocy and staying friends with someone who interrupts you at work to tell you to go have sex is idiotic.  Of course, he’s also in love with someone else who tells her boss that she’s late because she had sex that morning.   Maybe these two relationships are signs that Jason’s brain is more damaged than we thought. 

Last column, I recommended playing a drinking game during Robin and Patrick scenes to lessen the distress of hearing AIDS every two seconds.  Well, now I present to you the GH Drinking Game:  Spinelli Version.  Many people find young Spinelli extremely obnoxious.  Personally, I’m grateful that he can actually make Jason smile.  I’ll take what I can get but for those of you who’d rather Spinelli walked off a pier at the docks, then drink away your pain!  Anytime you hear goddess, goddess mother, cold stone, herbal, cybergod, jackal, blond one, or Pacino-esque, take a swig and feel your hatred fade away.  You might even look forward to seeing his greasy face next time! 

The line of the week was definitely Epiphany telling Sam, “Nothing like starting your first day with a bang!”  It just doesn’t get better than that. 

Next week, we head to Denver to try out a cup of Colleen’s favorite egg flower soup.  That will be chased by the dim sum duo of Nikolas and Emily, which is a little bland for my taste.  If you’d prefer to stay local, the coffee house will be holding lunchtime workshops on “How to Be the Best Mob Moll You Can Be,” led by Carly and Sam.  I hear Skye plans to stop by.