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January 6, 2007
This week, we’re
serving up caffeine fixes and mob hits at Sonny’s new coffeehouse. He must
have built it some time in between digging for gold in his backyard and
bottling gallons of Sonny’s Special Sauce last spring. It’s the perfect
place for sipping your soy latte, pressuring your associates for more
‘returns,’ and saying hi to the kids afterschool. There’s nothing quite
like wheatgrass on the tables and weapon searches by the bathrooms. Give
Sonny’s Java Shack a whirl!
Port Charles has
weathered the Star Trek invasion this past year, with Romulan Nanny Colleen
and Tuvok, the oncologist, but there’s been another silent menace in our
midst--the slow onslaught of billowy sleeves. Alexis, Carly, and Emily have
all fallen victim to this scourge but those battles pale in comparison to
Skye’s torment. I think the sleeves would like to make her their queen.
Almost every outfit she’s worn has been marred by their presence. Robin
Christopher is an incredibly beautiful woman but Skye hasn’t been allowed to
show it between those yards of fabric. It makes me wonder if her arms are
now attached to her sides and the sleeves are meant to hide the deformity.
This is a fashion emergency almost as bad as Tracy’s suit jackets. Send in
the Queer Guys to the wardrobe department-STAT!
Not that it’s any
surprise, but Carly doesn’t seem at all concerned that the baby she stole
with Jax, nurtured in a loving den of security and sex with her newly dead
best friend’s ex-husband, has been kidnapped. She practically demanded that
she talk to Sonny before Mike, who wanted to ask for help finding Spencer.
What was more important to Carly than the child she claimed she loved six
months ago? Telling Sonny to stop kissing her because it’s not very nice.
This is the woman that we’re being trained to believe is Mother of the
Year? It’s a good thing that Spencer ended up with Nikolas because he’d
probably be dead, not just kidnapped, by now with Carly as his mother
figure. She’d forget about him every time the phone rang and probably leave
him in the bath tub to rush out and help Jason with a hangnail.
I’m still not sure
what happened on Friday. Did Carly really think she can help Sam and Jason
conceive? She seemingly believes that locking them in a room and making
them boink until a baby comes out is somehow helpful. Does she plan to
critique their “performance” and give them tips on the best positions to let
those sperm swim free? I have no idea why Jason puts up with her. There’s
loyalty and then there’s idiocy and staying friends with someone who
interrupts you at work to tell you to go have sex is idiotic. Of course,
he’s also in love with someone else who tells her boss that she’s late
because she had sex that morning. Maybe these two relationships are signs
that Jason’s brain is more damaged than we thought.
Last column, I
recommended playing a drinking game during Robin and Patrick scenes to
lessen the distress of hearing AIDS every two seconds. Well, now I present
to you the GH Drinking Game: Spinelli Version. Many people find young
Spinelli extremely obnoxious. Personally, I’m grateful that he can actually
make Jason smile. I’ll take what I can get but for those of you who’d
rather Spinelli walked off a pier at the docks, then drink away your pain!
Anytime you hear goddess, goddess mother, cold stone, herbal, cybergod,
jackal, blond one, or Pacino-esque, take a swig and feel your hatred fade
away. You might even look forward to seeing his greasy face next time!
The line of the week
was definitely Epiphany telling Sam, “Nothing like starting your first day
with a bang!” It just doesn’t get better than that.
Next week, we head to
Denver to try out a cup of Colleen’s favorite egg flower soup. That will be
chased by the dim sum duo of Nikolas and Emily, which is a little bland for
my taste. If you’d prefer to stay local, the coffee house will be holding
lunchtime workshops on “How to Be the Best Mob Moll You Can Be,” led by
Carly and Sam. I hear Skye plans to stop by.
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