February 11, 2007  

Once again, we’re cooking up a storm here at the MetroCourt.  The special of the week is misogyny, served up on a silver platter by Mr. Craig himself.  Torture just doesn’t have enough bite these days without mixing in some sexual threats.  Please give it a try, but I can’t speak for the quality myself.  My stomach’s still a bit nauseous. 

I’ve developed a new habit as I watch General Hospital.  Anytime Jason receives praise, I add an extra line in, much like the age-old addition of “in bed” to Chinese cookie fortunes.  For example, Spinelli told Jason that he fought on the side of the righteous, to which I added, “Yeah, except for when he kills people.”  This can be applied anytime a character extols the hitman with a heart of gold’s virtues.  It’s cathartic. 

I’m surprised they haven’t worked Lucky’s drug addiction into the hostage scenario yet.  All they’d need to do is plant baggies of pills in various corners of the MetroCourt.  We could have hours of Lucky rushing in to rescue his loved ones but having to stop and agonize over every baggie that crossed his path.  It’s not like he’s going to be allowed to save anyone anyway with Jason on the job.  That would lessen the shimmering glow of Jason’s halo.  If the police officers were competent, then we might question Jason’s obvious superiority and whether or not a hired killer is actually a respectable occupation. 

Meanwhile, in a remote desert location, Robert Scorpio and Anna Devane lean hunched over the warm glow of a laptop, working together on an email to the Port Charles authorities. 

Dear Mac, Mayor Floyd, and D.A. Lansing, 

Anna and I have a few moments to spare while waiting for our next orders from the WSB.  We couldn’t help but notice, on our plane flight in, that Port Charles is in the midst of a hostage situation.  As we’ve both been the police commissioner in the past, we thought you might appreciate some tips to avoid these situations in the future.   

First of all, any time the majority of the Port Charles elite is at the same place, do your best to seal off the area immediately and check for any gas leaks.  While the attendees may be a danger to each other, it’s much more likely that an unseen force will cause an emergency situation.  We have seen this happen at hospitals, hotels, and trains in the past.  We’re beginning to think that the concentration of all that turmoil in one room creates a magnet for danger, much like ants are drawn to a pot of Devonshire cream (that was Anna’s analogy).  Whatever the cause, please make sure a full security detail is deployed at any such event. 

Secondly, you should seriously consider asking the Port Charles electorate to vote for government ownership of the city docks.  Some may label such a measure as socialist, but we think it would do wonders to bring down the nefarious mobster element in the city.  It seems that they are somehow involved in all emergencies and while Mr. Morgan has been known to do a fair share of rescuing, it still stands that he wouldn’t need to if he ceased his illegal activities.  Plus, he’s a bloody wanker for how he treated our daughter.  

Eliminating the mobster scene would also be a boon to the local economy.  If you consider just General Hospital, less crime equals less time spent operating on bullet wounds.  This would increase the hospital’s overall efficiency, allowing for more patients to be seen and more income.  Plus, the docks could be renovated into a lovely waterfront plaza, creating a booming nightlife and giving all the couples someplace new to meet for dinner, especially since the survival of the MetroCourt is in question. 

We hope you take the time to review our suggestions and we’re happy to answer any questions next time the Bureau lets us swing by.  Oh, and Mac, our project leader said you had tried to leave some sort of message for us, but your cell phone cut off midstream.  Whatever it is, we’re sure you have it under control.  Patrick probably did something to infuriate Robin again, we’re guessing.  Maybe involving a furniture dispute? 

Tell next time, 
Robert & Anna 

Thanks for your patronage.  We’re sorry the special was a bit heavy this week but we are running out of ingredients so it’ll probably be more of the same at your next visit.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to relocate soon…even the hospital cafeteria is looking like a good option.