February 27, 2008

Iím too sick of the blatant misogyny of this show to create any delicious goodies for the weekly special.  Instead, Iím offering a bowl of one of the most vile dishes Iíve ever tastedóclassic beef stew.  Chunks of putana chop are slowly simmered in a stock of insipid tomato and whore broth, complemented by mealy yet still bitchy carrots and potatoes.  Some variation of the above ingredients has been uttered by a male character daily.  I really hope we donít have to swallow this crap much longer. 

I think the character of Mariana exists because The Powers that Be felt there was a deficit in the manhandled women department.  Sam gets strangled and assaulted on a weekly basis, Georgie and Emily were both murdered, Logan restrains Lulu with that iron grip of love, and Claudia oozes abuse out of every pore.  Yep, we definitely needed another woman sporting bruises.  Those smart PTB, always bringing us the socially relevant storylines that make our days a little brighter.    

But seriously, they knew we were going to hate Mariana the moment Ric said she couldnít kill a moth, right?  Those damsels in distress are getting daintier by the episode. 

You may recall this text from the column a couple of weeks ago, ďLogan seems to have done a 360 on his friendship with Coop now that heís dead. Saying that they werenít really friends and werenít close just reeks of GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY.Ē  Okay, so I was wrong. Logan didnít do it but he did attack (oh, I mean restrain!) Lulu when accused by her.  Nothing says I love you like a hand over your mouth to stifle your screaming.  Loganís such a charmer! 

And who is the Text Message Killer?  An increasingly hot, yet more psychotic Diego Alcazar!  He gets sexier with every improbable crime he commits.  While I find it completely ridiculous that Diego is the villain du jour and that he would ever EVER kill Georgie, at least weíre getting some fresh eye candy from the resolution. If weíre lucky, theyíll ship him to a psych ward and he can come back again in a few years, even sexier.  Who am I kidding?  Heís going to be shot dead.  Bad guys donít ever go to prison anymore.  They just get killed by Jasonís pistol of justice and harmony.  Of course, Sam didnít do the job right the first timeósheís a girl. 

Either Mac has developed a Spinelli Sense or someoneís got a black market on English to Spinellian dictionaries.  Probably Maxie; she has the smarts to see the money she could make out of it.   

You know what would have been cooler than getting a slew of Zaccharas?  Bringing the Baldwin clan back to town.  This would include Serena, Lee, Gail, and Undead Karen, who didnít really die if I didnít watch that show, right?  Lucy can come watch over the whole gang and bring Kevin too, if she wants.  Wouldnít it be nice to have a new family thatís semi-functional and doesnít involve a father calling his daughter a whore every other sentence?   

Sonnyís being true to character these days; two seconds after Kate opened her eyes, he assures her he will take revenge.  This, of course, proves that sheís been right the whole timeóhe obviously has no idea who Kate Howard is and doesnít care.  Sonny, let me give you a clue.  Kate isnít swooning with your offer of payback; thatís just loss of blood. 

Lulu, Lulu, Lulu, you honestly just exclaimed to Johnny that ďYou would never hurt me!Ē  She knows she lives in Port Charles right?  And sheís female?  Eh, the beautiful piano music is stifling her Spencer common sense. 

Okay, so Iím a tad angry this week.  Maybe Iíll feature a Manhattan to complement that stew.  Just mix together some whiskey, vermouth, and you guessed it, Angostura bitters.  Iíll have mine on the rocks, please.

 The Gourmez