February 27, 2008

I’m too sick of the blatant misogyny of this show to create any delicious goodies for the weekly special.  Instead, I’m offering a bowl of one of the most vile dishes I’ve ever tasted—classic beef stew.  Chunks of putana chop are slowly simmered in a stock of insipid tomato and whore broth, complemented by mealy yet still bitchy carrots and potatoes.  Some variation of the above ingredients has been uttered by a male character daily.  I really hope we don’t have to swallow this crap much longer. 

I think the character of Mariana exists because The Powers that Be felt there was a deficit in the manhandled women department.  Sam gets strangled and assaulted on a weekly basis, Georgie and Emily were both murdered, Logan restrains Lulu with that iron grip of love, and Claudia oozes abuse out of every pore.  Yep, we definitely needed another woman sporting bruises.  Those smart PTB, always bringing us the socially relevant storylines that make our days a little brighter.    

But seriously, they knew we were going to hate Mariana the moment Ric said she couldn’t kill a moth, right?  Those damsels in distress are getting daintier by the episode. 

You may recall this text from the column a couple of weeks ago, “Logan seems to have done a 360 on his friendship with Coop now that he’s dead. Saying that they weren’t really friends and weren’t close just reeks of GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY.”  Okay, so I was wrong. Logan didn’t do it but he did attack (oh, I mean restrain!) Lulu when accused by her.  Nothing says I love you like a hand over your mouth to stifle your screaming.  Logan’s such a charmer! 

And who is the Text Message Killer?  An increasingly hot, yet more psychotic Diego Alcazar!  He gets sexier with every improbable crime he commits.  While I find it completely ridiculous that Diego is the villain du jour and that he would ever EVER kill Georgie, at least we’re getting some fresh eye candy from the resolution. If we’re lucky, they’ll ship him to a psych ward and he can come back again in a few years, even sexier.  Who am I kidding?  He’s going to be shot dead.  Bad guys don’t ever go to prison anymore.  They just get killed by Jason’s pistol of justice and harmony.  Of course, Sam didn’t do the job right the first time—she’s a girl. 

Either Mac has developed a Spinelli Sense or someone’s got a black market on English to Spinellian dictionaries.  Probably Maxie; she has the smarts to see the money she could make out of it.   

You know what would have been cooler than getting a slew of Zaccharas?  Bringing the Baldwin clan back to town.  This would include Serena, Lee, Gail, and Undead Karen, who didn’t really die if I didn’t watch that show, right?  Lucy can come watch over the whole gang and bring Kevin too, if she wants.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a new family that’s semi-functional and doesn’t involve a father calling his daughter a whore every other sentence?   

Sonny’s being true to character these days; two seconds after Kate opened her eyes, he assures her he will take revenge.  This, of course, proves that she’s been right the whole time—he obviously has no idea who Kate Howard is and doesn’t care.  Sonny, let me give you a clue.  Kate isn’t swooning with your offer of payback; that’s just loss of blood. 

Lulu, Lulu, Lulu, you honestly just exclaimed to Johnny that “You would never hurt me!”  She knows she lives in Port Charles right?  And she’s female?  Eh, the beautiful piano music is stifling her Spencer common sense. 

Okay, so I’m a tad angry this week.  Maybe I’ll feature a Manhattan to complement that stew.  Just mix together some whiskey, vermouth, and you guessed it, Angostura bitters.  I’ll have mine on the rocks, please.

 The Gourmez