May 8, 2007  

Welcome!  This week, Mr. Craig is our guest chef.  He’s fixing up a lovely bubbling brew that’ll cause selective amnesia for any young brothers curious enough to take a sip.  They’ll be asking, “Jax has a brother?!” in no time.  He’s also working on a delightful chocolate raspberry sorbet, guaranteed to distract your mother while you make your quick escape.  Need something to help you out with an unwanted traffic stop?  He’s created a fantastic new jelly doughnut recipe, laced with just enough codeine to put that officer right to sleep at first bite.  We’re taking orders now! 

Thunder, lightning, and power outages orchestrated its conception.  Thunder, lightning, and power outages herald in its birth.  There’s no denying it now, the child of Saint Jason is among us.  Do we bow down in fear or bring him/her offerings of hair gel and leather jackets?  It’s so hard to know how to honor the firstborn of He who saves all imperiled woman, He who never misses his mark with either gun, He who cannot lie except when it’s convenient for him.  Yes, the child of St. Jason has been born.  Please join me in honoring Him by reciting the Chant of Sweeps three times, written by Father Guza himself.  “Port Charles will never be the same.  Port Charles will never be the same.  Port Charles will never be the same.”   

So how about all the sex this week?  Wow.  Amelia and Sonny did the nasty in bed, in the shower, on his office desk; is it written somewhere that Sonny must get more nooky than any other character?  Poor Amelia, though, she has no idea that, in all likelihood, she’s knocked up.  Not only does Sonny impregnate almost all women who, ahem, spend the night, she’s also a one night stand.  Half of Port Charles’ little ones are from such fleeting encounters-Kristina, Cameron, and Michael.  It’ll be amazing if Amelia doesn’t have a bun cooking.  If not, she definitely doesn’t use Enduros. 

Shockingly, Elizabeth has complications while giving birth.  Bet you didn’t see that coming!  Poor girl, she’s miscarried two children and now she might lose a third as well as her own life.  Of course, both her and the newest lil’ gangsta will pull through, but still, that’s an awful lot for one woman’s womb to go through. 

Diane, Sonny’s fabulous lawyer, is corrupted in all the right ways.  Love that she was comfortable discussing a hit on Alcazar—as long as it was “hypothetical.”  I bet Sonny keeps her around because her sass reminds him of when Alexis was his lawyer and friend, you know, pre-horizontal mambo. 

Interesting to see that Spencer’s growing up with Courtney’s hair color.  I’d have thought the Cassadine genes would be dominant but that’s nothing a lengthy boarding school stay and SORASing can’t fix.  Of course, Prince Daddy might not be around long enough to send him away for proper charm school training if Lucky takes too long writing that traffic ticket.  It’s yet another lose-lose situation for Lucky.  If he sends Craig on his way, he’ll look like a buffoon for releasing him.  If Lucky suspects anything and holds him up, he might as well be signing his brother’s death warrant.  Regardless, he’ll end up looking like an idiot when he learns that Liz and OUR BABY are on death’s door as well.  Why oh why did The Powers That Be decide that Lucky Spencer should be a walking oxymoron? 

Skye versus Lorenzo, the final battle begins!  They’ve made it through mutual bitterness over failed relationships, unexpected pregnancy, a mysterious virus, shootouts, a runaway birth, and faked brain damage.  And now they’re going to try and learn to trust each other while Skye plots his murder and Lorenzo kidnaps Lila Rae.  I think they’re trying to beat Sonny and Carly for the highest grade in Dysfunctional Relationships 101.  Skye should have just lied about the paternity—Alexis could have given her tips but I doubt Luke would have been willing to pretend the baby was his. This definitely won’t end well but I’m giving the edge to Skye.  She’s sneakier than she looks. 

Next week, we return to our regular menu featuring homemade newborn lasagna, which Jason will look upon longingly, Lucky with smother with extra cheese, and Cameron will glare at jealously, nervous that Chuggin’ Charley is fickle.  How long will it be until Sam recognizes the recipe came from Jason’s cookbook? 

The Gourmez