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May 8, 2007
Welcome! This week, Mr. Craig is our guest chef. He’s fixing up a lovely
bubbling brew that’ll cause selective amnesia for any young brothers curious
enough to take a sip. They’ll be asking, “Jax has a brother?!” in no time.
He’s also working on a delightful chocolate raspberry sorbet, guaranteed to
distract your mother while you make your quick escape. Need something to
help you out with an unwanted traffic stop? He’s created a fantastic new
jelly doughnut recipe, laced with just enough codeine to put that officer
right to sleep at first bite. We’re taking orders now!
Thunder, lightning, and power outages orchestrated its conception. Thunder,
lightning, and power outages herald in its birth. There’s no denying it
now, the child of Saint Jason is among us. Do we bow down in fear or bring
him/her offerings of hair gel and leather jackets? It’s so hard to know how
to honor the firstborn of He who saves all imperiled woman, He who never
misses his mark with either gun, He who cannot lie except when it’s
convenient for him. Yes, the child of St. Jason has been born. Please join
me in honoring Him by reciting the Chant of Sweeps three times, written by
Father Guza himself. “Port Charles will never be the same. Port Charles
will never be the same. Port Charles will never be the same.”
So how
about all the sex this week? Wow. Amelia and Sonny did the nasty in bed,
in the shower, on his office desk; is it written somewhere that Sonny must
get more nooky than any other character? Poor Amelia, though, she has no
idea that, in all likelihood, she’s knocked up. Not only does Sonny
impregnate almost all women who, ahem, spend the night, she’s also a one
night stand. Half of Port Charles’ little ones are from such fleeting
encounters-Kristina, Cameron, and Michael. It’ll be amazing if Amelia
doesn’t have a bun cooking. If not, she definitely doesn’t use Enduros.
Shockingly, Elizabeth has complications while giving birth. Bet you didn’t
see that coming! Poor girl, she’s miscarried two children and now she might
lose a third as well as her own life. Of course, both her and the newest
lil’ gangsta will pull through, but still, that’s an awful lot for one
woman’s womb to go through.
Diane,
Sonny’s fabulous lawyer, is corrupted in all the right ways. Love that she
was comfortable discussing a hit on Alcazar—as long as it was
“hypothetical.” I bet Sonny keeps her around because her sass reminds him
of when Alexis was his lawyer and friend, you know, pre-horizontal mambo.
Interesting to see that Spencer’s growing up with Courtney’s hair color.
I’d have thought the Cassadine genes would be dominant but that’s nothing a
lengthy boarding school stay and SORASing can’t fix. Of course, Prince
Daddy might not be around long enough to send him away for proper charm
school training if Lucky takes too long writing that traffic ticket. It’s
yet another lose-lose situation for Lucky. If he sends Craig on his way,
he’ll look like a buffoon for releasing him. If Lucky suspects anything and
holds him up, he might as well be signing his brother’s death warrant.
Regardless, he’ll end up looking like an idiot when he learns that Liz and
OUR BABY are on death’s door as well. Why oh why did The Powers That Be
decide that Lucky Spencer should be a walking oxymoron?
Skye
versus Lorenzo, the final battle begins! They’ve made it through mutual
bitterness over failed relationships, unexpected pregnancy, a mysterious
virus, shootouts, a runaway birth, and faked brain damage. And now they’re
going to try and learn to trust each other while Skye plots his murder and
Lorenzo kidnaps Lila Rae. I think they’re trying to beat Sonny and Carly
for the highest grade in Dysfunctional Relationships 101. Skye should have
just lied about the paternity—Alexis could have given her tips but I doubt
Luke would have been willing to pretend the baby was his. This definitely
won’t end well but I’m giving the edge to Skye. She’s sneakier than she
looks.
Next
week, we return to our regular menu featuring homemade newborn lasagna,
which Jason will look upon longingly, Lucky with smother with extra cheese,
and Cameron will glare at jealously, nervous that Chuggin’ Charley is
fickle. How long will it be until Sam recognizes the recipe came from
Jason’s cookbook?
The
Gourmez
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