July 3, 2007
Welcome, welcome! This week, I’m frying up
some basic sustenance to help us make it through another week of kidnapped
baby drama. I’ve got a grilled cheese sandwich melting, made with fresh,
ripe tomatoes, zesty provolone, and served between two buttery slices of San
Francisco sourdough. It’s the perfect comfort food to see you through
endless scenes of Lucky raging, Liz whining, and Jason basking in the glow
of sainthood.
Liz reminds me a lot of myself during
college. You see, there was this boy. He was sexy and mysterious and I
fixated on him. He was endlessly appealing, especially without hair gel. I
would just happen to show up at the same places he would, hoping for a
random bump or a quick snatch of conversation. In short, I was pathetic.
For months. Many, many months. In the end, I finally realized that he
wasn’t worth all my mooning. I don’t think Liz is there yet and I fear it’s
going to take a bullet in the shower until she wakes up to the reality of
Jason, her mobster hero.
If our show’s writers are so intent on having
Jason be the superhero of every storyline, then they really need to follow
it through and make him go legit. Having him rescue Jacob isn’t
interesting; it’s expected. If they truly want a “huge” event where “Port
Charles will never be the same!” then why not have Jason convicted of
Alcazar’s murder? That would be shocking! Insane! Then he could do a
little time, get out on good behavior, and realize that his investigative
skills would be put to better use as a private eye rather than someone who
hunts down the lowlifes just because they don’t like Sonny’s special blend.
It’s really bizarre that
Sonny doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Jason’s murder charge. Didn’t he get
the memo that Ric sent to everyone else? “Dear
Port Charles citizens, I’ve really got Jason this time! My evidence is
rock solid; Jason’s gonna pay for stealing Sonny’s affection---oops, I meant
murdering Lorenzo Alcazar. Really, he’s never getting out of this one!
Sincerely, DA Lansing.” Instead of giving Jason any support, Sonny’s
insisting that he out himself as Jacob’s father. It’s almost farcical—what
good are parental rights if you’re rotting away in a jail cell?
Nikolas is definitely tapping into his secret
stash of Cassadine crazy when it comes to Jerry Jacks. Why else would he
have thought Jerry was behind Jacob’s kidnapping? Jerry’s shown no interest
in the Spencers. I’m hoping this sets up a long-term animosity between the
Cassadines and Jackses. So far, Jax kidnapped Nik’s son, Jerry held him
hostage, and Emily is being blackmailed in order to stop the elite of PC
from turning Jerry in. The Cassadine/Spencer feud is nearly buried; it’s
time for a new generation of Cassadine revenge. Just think of the drama if
Alexis gets involved with Jerry! She’s already great friends with Jax. I
smell a Cassadine banishment in her future.
I came perilously close to throwing something
at my TV when Jax and Carly watched the news report on Jacob’s kidnapping.
Carly remembered how awful it was when her own children were kidnapped—too
bad that didn’t stop her from stealing Spencer Cassadine barely a year ago.
Pot, meet Kettle?
Maxie and Logan’s bet is ridiculous. Its
only purpose is to make Maxie seem like a prostitute. The storyline would
be so much more interesting if Logan and Lulu could just bond organically.
This show has such little romance as it is; why ruin the possibilities of
Logan and Lulu by clouding their soon-to-be relationship with a sex bet?
On the same note, it should be a crime to
waste Greg Vaughn’s devastatingly good looks by making Lucky into an
asshole. He should be wining and dining every female to cross his path, not
attacking his wife’s parenting skills just so we don’t feel bad when she
leaves him for Jason. I want to fantasize about him showering me with
flowers and candy, not post-partum depression pamphlets.
I loved Edwards’ dialogue
while scheming to get
Tracy
committed. ELQ did make quite a significant donation to Roselawn, all
wrapped up in a strait jacket and topped with a bow!
I do believe that Sam has finally found her
calling and it’s not as the star of Everyday Heroes. She’s destined to be
the Drunken Truth Teller of Port Charles. I actually cheered her on for the
first time ever when she was telling Carly off in the MetroCourt bar. Her
words were music to my ears. Let’s keep that girl rolling in tequila! I’m
taking up a collection to pay her tab.
This week, I’m planning to catch some new
rock star’s show at Luke’s old club. After a couple glasses of Syrah and
perhaps a cheese plate and baguette, I might not even need to squint to see
his resemblance to a certain neurosurgeon. I hear Eli Love’s also caught
the eye of a government organization—perhaps I should save Anna a seat at
the bar?
The Gourmez
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