July 3, 2007  

Welcome, welcome!  This week, I’m frying up some basic sustenance to help us make it through another week of kidnapped baby drama.  I’ve got a grilled cheese sandwich melting, made with fresh, ripe tomatoes, zesty provolone, and served between two buttery slices of San Francisco sourdough.  It’s the perfect comfort food to see you through endless scenes of Lucky raging, Liz whining, and Jason basking in the glow of sainthood. 

Liz reminds me a lot of myself during college.  You see, there was this boy.  He was sexy and mysterious and I fixated on him.  He was endlessly appealing, especially without hair gel.  I would just happen to show up at the same places he would, hoping for a random bump or a quick snatch of conversation.  In short, I was pathetic.  For months.  Many, many months.  In the end, I finally realized that he wasn’t worth all my mooning.  I don’t think Liz is there yet and I fear it’s going to take a bullet in the shower until she wakes up to the reality of Jason, her mobster hero. 

If our show’s writers are so intent on having Jason be the superhero of every storyline, then they really need to follow it through and make him go legit.  Having him rescue Jacob isn’t interesting; it’s expected.  If they truly want a “huge” event where “Port Charles will never be the same!” then why not have Jason convicted of Alcazar’s murder?  That would be shocking!  Insane!  Then he could do a little time, get out on good behavior, and realize that his investigative skills would be put to better use as a private eye rather than someone who hunts down the lowlifes just because they don’t like Sonny’s special blend. 

It’s really bizarre that Sonny doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Jason’s murder charge.  Didn’t he get the memo that Ric sent to everyone else?  “Dear Port Charles citizens, I’ve really got Jason this time!  My evidence is rock solid; Jason’s gonna pay for stealing Sonny’s affection---oops, I meant murdering Lorenzo Alcazar.  Really, he’s never getting out of this one!  Sincerely, DA Lansing.” Instead of giving Jason any support, Sonny’s insisting that he out himself as Jacob’s father.  It’s almost farcical—what good are parental rights if you’re rotting away in a jail cell? 

Nikolas is definitely tapping into his secret stash of Cassadine crazy when it comes to Jerry Jacks.  Why else would he have thought Jerry was behind Jacob’s kidnapping?  Jerry’s shown no interest in the Spencers.  I’m hoping this sets up a long-term animosity between the Cassadines and Jackses.  So far, Jax kidnapped Nik’s son, Jerry held him hostage, and Emily is being blackmailed in order to stop the elite of PC from turning Jerry in.    The Cassadine/Spencer feud is nearly buried; it’s time for a new generation of Cassadine revenge.  Just think of the drama if Alexis gets involved with Jerry!  She’s already great friends with Jax.  I smell a Cassadine banishment in her future. 

I came perilously close to throwing something at my TV when Jax and Carly watched the news report on Jacob’s kidnapping.  Carly remembered how awful it was when her own children were kidnapped—too bad that didn’t stop her from stealing Spencer Cassadine barely a year ago.  Pot, meet Kettle?   

Maxie and Logan’s bet is ridiculous.  Its only purpose is to make Maxie seem like a prostitute.  The storyline would be so much more interesting if Logan and Lulu could just bond organically.  This show has such little romance as it is; why ruin the possibilities of Logan and Lulu by clouding their soon-to-be relationship with a sex bet?   

On the same note, it should be a crime to waste Greg Vaughn’s devastatingly good looks by making Lucky into an asshole.  He should be wining and dining every female to cross his path, not attacking his wife’s parenting skills just so we don’t feel bad when she leaves him for Jason.  I want to fantasize about him showering me with flowers and candy, not post-partum depression pamphlets. 

I loved Edwards’ dialogue while scheming to get Tracy committed.  ELQ did make quite a significant donation to Roselawn, all wrapped up in a strait jacket and topped with a bow! 

I do believe that Sam has finally found her calling and it’s not as the star of Everyday Heroes.  She’s destined to be the Drunken Truth Teller of Port Charles.  I actually cheered her on for the first time ever when she was telling Carly off in the MetroCourt bar.  Her words were music to my ears.  Let’s keep that girl rolling in tequila!  I’m taking up a collection to pay her tab. 

This week, I’m planning to catch some new rock star’s show at Luke’s old club.  After a couple glasses of Syrah and perhaps a cheese plate and baguette, I might not even need to squint to see his resemblance to a certain neurosurgeon.  I hear Eli Love’s also caught the eye of a government organization—perhaps I should save Anna a seat at the bar? 

The Gourmez