October 17, 2006

This week, General Hospital served up a healthy dose of chick fight, chased down with a marriage proposal and a new twist on an old theme.  That’s right folks, you heard it here first; even Jason’s sperm is more of a man than Lucky.  Not only is Jason better at catching bad guys and wooing women, his sperm is pictured under the “Most Likely to Succeed” heading in the yearbook.  I bet they cheated and took the advanced course at the junior college with Sonny’s little swimmers.  Jason’s sperm paid better attention during the lecture on choosing a womb, however, as they picked Elizabeth over Sam and Sonny’s buddies just zoom in wherever they’re invited.  They don’t discriminate; they’re equal opportunity impregnators. 

Apparently, Sam not only has women’s intuition, she also has microscopic x-ray vision.  She can stare at Elizabeth’s belly and run an instant paternity test.  That’s a marketable skill!  Sam should start a paternity business!  It would make a lot more sense than having the ex-fiancé of the local mob hitman working at the DA’s office.  Does Sam work at the DA’s office anymore?  Or does whining after your ex full-time pay better?  I love her tunnel vision, though.  Yes, Sam, those tears running down Elizabeth’s cheek aren’t from the trauma of her breakup with Lucky or possibly having to raise a child with an assassin, they’re tears of euphoria because she’s bearing the blessed child of Jason, the exalted one. 

I think that the crying curse has actually started spreading to Jason.  I’ve seen more tears in his eyes lately than I think I’ve ever seen before.  He probably cried a fair bit during the Robin years, but my memory’s horrible.    I was honestly convinced that he couldn’t cry unless someone came by and squirted some oil in his tin tear ducts.  More likely, though, Jason’s just allergic to whining.  He’s going to break out in hives any minute now. 

It says a lot about the state of romance on General Hospital that I find myself cheering for Carly and Jax.  Why?  Well, they’ve been my two least favorite characters for, oh, ten years or so.  Sadly, they are one of only two happy couples in Port Charles and as Robin and Patrick get no screen time, I’m forced to root for the shiny blond ones.  At least Carly comes off as vulnerable around Jax.  This Carly incarnation has been the most snidely smug one yet but Jax can bring out her insecurities and make her seem human.  Or at least as human as a woman constantly forced to show her rarely covered body can be.  Does Disney know that their DAYTIME actresses are wearing dresses with necklines down to their belly buttons?  That much skin is good during love scenes and completely unnecessary outside of them.  Could you imagine your mother wearing that red dress casually at home?  Someone bring me the brain bleach, please.  I apologize now for any mental images you had to suffer through due to my posing that question.  

After all this posturing that the baby will be Jason’s, I really hope the writer’s pull a fast one and make it Lucky’s.  I feel like we’ve already seen what happens if it’s Jason’s—I want to know how it’d play out as Lucky’s instead!  I can even stomach Lucky having two children of the same age.  They’d be little twin Spencer kids, raising worm farms together and creating a brother/sister band.  Sounds fun! 

I’ll leave you with this--even Detective Rodriguez knew that Liz slept with Jason before Lucky did.  GH writers are worse at keeping secrets than Morgan. 

The Gourmez