Well, my name is Jack and I
am here to tell you about my adventures at the GHFCW. As it says in
"A Tale of Two Cities," "It was the best of times; it was the worst of
times." I experienced such a rolly coaster of emotions from the time
I first heard of this event until I got home. Here, let me show you.
For me personally, it all
began with a phone call when Mz. Debbie Morris, the coordinator and
zookeeper of the event called me up and asked me to be her special guest
at the event. I was overwhelmed, to stay the least. I am the
#1 GH fan ever as anyone, including Mz. Morris, knows, but I was unaware
that such a beast as this General Hospital party existed.
My heart was up in my
throat and I could barely speak. Quickly, I headed out without even
pausing to pack.
When I arrived at the
Sportsmonkeys Lodge, I did my best to get checked in, but I kept getting
distracted by different interesting, shiny things, like this ride they had
installed onto the wall for me. It was most entertaining. That
part was really fun.
When I did go to check
in, the suite I requested wasn't ready, so I had to wait and wait and
decided to do a photo shoot.
I desperately wanted a
photo of myself with my butt on the lion's head fountain and after asking
many, many people, I finally found one who would take my picture.
People can be very harsh and cruel when they are addressed by a monkey
with a glamorous side. I tell myself they are jealous and I believe
it is so.
Can you see me? I look like one of
the flowers, don't I?
See? Psst. I'm here!!
I spent easily 8-9 minutes
believing this dog was speaking to me, when in actuality, he was talking
to someone on his phone earpiece. Boy, did I feel stupid.
The decal on this car
reminded me of the days I spent in the Playboy Mansion with Hef and the
bunnies. I like bunnies.
The bushy cow in the
driveway made my booty itch.
After being overserved at
the pool bar, I took a break on this rock next to the waterfall. I
woke up there the next morning, having missed all of Friday's festivities.
I am sending this shot into
the producers of the show "Survivorman" to vie for the lead part.
I thought they might enjoy
another shot of the same pose. I love how the green grasses make my
My favorite moments of the
weekend were spent lounging by the pool. It's a good thing since the
hotel never did get my reservation right. As it turned out, I never
really even needed a room.
I got so involved with the
photo shoot that I completely forgot that the main luncheon was underway,
so I hurried in to pay my regards to Mz Morris and have a moment with
Steve Burton, who is a major monkey fan. That little girl has her
thumb on my butt, or maybe it was Steve. Someone did anyway.
After the whole "thumb on
the butt" thing, I felt a little skeevey like I needed some air and that is when things
took ugly and took a very dark turn. It was like I turned a corner
into nightmare world. First, this frickin chicken with the weird leg tried to eat
me. I was so traumatized that I spent the rest of the night in the
Waterfall Room re-gathering my chi and trying not to cry.
I woke up here with the
sound of a train coming and no memory of how I got here. I think it
was that chicken that put me here.
I tried to escape before
the train came, but I was a little disoriented and ended up further down
the track and nowhere near safety. I think that chicken put a roofie
in my drink. Never trust a chicken.
Then a fish tried to eat me as well. All in
all, not a good day.
I believe the fish knew the chicken.
This is a giant parrot in the lobby.
I used it to try
some aversion therapy to overcome my new fear
of chickens. It did not work. Even Colonel Sanders
scares me now. Big Bird too. And brass, apparently.
Fish are even worse. I can't watch "Finding Nemo."
That being the case, I decided to have my
driver take me back
home again. This hotel is just too dangerous for me and I longed
to get back to the safety of my man cave.
So that is my review of the GH Fan Club
My advice: Don't stay
at the Sportsmonkeys Lodge.
Things will try to eat you
and they will not get
your reservation right.
That is all.