Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

August 21, 2008

AMC

Randi and Carmen, it seems, were friends back in Center City and used to travel to Myrtle's Boutique in Pine Valley - now, apparently, closed and Myrtle retired - to window shop and dream together. (I wonder if Carmen, who claims to have stopped by the Boutique the day she was sprung from prison, knows the special bond between Myrtle and her BFF, Erica. Probably not.) Then they went their separate ways, neither one of them great. I like how this is developing.

Evidently it took Kathy's abrupt hatred of all things KWAK to get her doting dad's attention. Weird, considering all those years he spent searching for her, the business he ditched in order to spend time with her, and so forth. I hope Kathy doesn't decide to torch Barbie KWAK in the dollhouse; it's been done (see Montgomery, Bianca).

LINE OF THE WEEK: “I'm both a dork and a genius - it's part of my charm.” Time for young Petey Cortlandt to make some serious moves on Colby. Is that the theme from Romeo and Juliet I hear in the background?

“Moms always leave.” So that's what has been bothering Kathy. She has had an unfortunate amount of loss in her short life. Even her new nephew, Lil' A, seems different. KWAK nearly drowned her in her cleavage. What's a kid to do?

Why is Frankie growing his sideburns out like Shaft or a second-rate Elvis impersonator? Why cover that handsome face?

LINE OF THE WEEK 2: “I just got poked.” Ah, Amanda, I know you wish you weren't referring to your eye, especially with Dr. Jake right beside you! Recommended dosage: one hot guy, STAT. Repeat as often as needed. Refills? You bet, and plenty of them!

Remember Mad magazine's “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions” feature? Let's revisit it here, shall we?

Annie: “How stupid do you think I am?”

1.     Annie, get with the times. You're intellectually challenged, you silly goose!

2.     How stupid are you? You are so stupid that calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!

3.     You know that bridge I've got for sale in Brooklyn?

4.     (Fill in your own snappy answer - and feel free to send it to me at KarenEyeOnSoaps@aol.com. If I get a bunch, you'll see them in an upcoming column!)


Now that Jake needs a new place to live, how about Josh's apartment? It's not like he'll be needing it, new broom sweeping clean and all that. I know there's a vacant cabin in the woods, filled with black-and-white cow patterned rugs and chemistry sets, but I do believe its owner is returning soon…

Speaking of new brooms, say au revoir to Cassandra (this version, anyway). Will this lead to a Colby/'Dre/Petey triangle? Could be interesting!

I love it! La Kane told Carmen about Brooke English and how “she would always go after my leftovers!” Oh, the memories!

RANDOM CONFESSIONS:

It's been confirmed that the deviously delicious Dr. David Hayward, played by the one and only Vincent Irizarry, will be returning to Pine Valley this fall. His character, going nowhere, left Pine Valley a couple of years ago, and has been missed. I'm sure his return will shake up things at the hospital, with ex-lover KWAK, mother of his daughter, Babe, and especially with old enemy Tad. Will he approve of former sister-in-law, Greenlee, marrying ex-cousin-in-law, Aidan? To quote Flounder in Animal House, “This is gonna be GREAT!”

New York magazine did a surprisingly good article on Ellen Wheeler (ex-Cindy/Karen), executive producer of Guiding Light, making note of how she's shaking up the show (literally) with herky-jerky camera shooting techniques. Exqueeze me? Baking powder? AMC tried that last year and stopped after many howls of protest from viewers, well-deserved howls at that. To her credit, Wheeler is also cutting labor costs by having some permanent sets built, but fans of the show say there's much more to be done if the show is to survive.


GH

LINE OF LAST WEEK: “I've been dealing with murderous psychopaths all my life.” Yes, Nik, and most of them were blood relations!

Pretty powerful scene, Johnny and Lulu being forcibly restrained at Shadybrook. Maybe this will spark some life into this story (especially if The Ditzy Don learns how his precious son was manhandled). Another promising aspect: I think/hope/pray we've seen the last of Sal and Lourdes! Hallelujah!

Unfortunately for Scotty, Claudia witness how the PCPD stomped Johnny, and demanded that Trevor file police brutality charges against the department - in front of The Ditzy Don. Rut-ro.

Look who it is - Dr. Lainey Winters! A welcome blast from the past, sure to play a key role in this portion of the Lulu/Johnny saga. Will she also reunite with Cody Paul, who went to jail for heeding her father's request to put him out of his Alzheimer's-driven misery?

Lucky for Karpov that he appears to have a young daughter, who ran to greet him just as Jason was drawing a bead on him. Fortunately, Jason doesn't have an itchy trigger finger, but he was still tormented at the thought he could have shot a child, a la Michael. Good thing he has Bernie to talk to about these matters rather than The Jackal. Bernie's a more capable adviser on things of a mobular concern.

It was rather touching that Monica, Edward and Big Alice visited Lulu at Shadybrook. However, if I was Lulu, I would have gotten closer to a catatonic state after hearing Monica say, “You're one of us, now.” Yes, there are lots of holes in the Spencer family tree, but the Quartermaine's is a bit more squirrelly, no?

Hmm. Put a beard on Patrick and he'd bear a distinct resemblance to the equally arrogant Dr. Matt Hunter. Strange.

What good is having a butler when nurses can just come in and out of Wyndemere at will? Is Alfred too busy grooming Nimrod (or whatever Sheba's successor is named) to mind the front door?

Now that she knows she's going to have a granddaughter, Anna's planning all kinds of clothes shopping in order to spoil said child. Where does she plan to hang these clothes, since Baby Scorpio-Drake's nursery is technically a closet? Is she hoping that the child's first words will be, “How do I look?”

WOW! Scotty asked Sonny if he's going to treat Lulu like he did his daughter, Karen, getting her hooked on drugs and stripping! EXCELLENT use of history to re-establish the animosity between Scotty and Sonny, especially for newer viewers. Truly excellent.

It was also an unexpected pleasure to see Sonny talking to Lulu about dealing with breaks of reality. Relating his own experiences was his way of trying to help her through her breakdown, and it was one of the first acts of pure kindness I've seen from him in eons. Nicely played, too.