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March 1, 2007 AMC What’s that old chestnut, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree? It turns out that Alex Cambias, St. (Daddy Evil) may be as twisted and demented as son Michael. Daddy Evil faked his death over the shame of Michael’s crimes (and also to punish him by leaving the Cambias fortune to Ryan), and then freaked out later when he learned that Junior (Zach) had also faked his death. Zach always painted his father as a controlling bastard of a man, so his descent into psychoville isn’t much of a stretch. Maybe he ate a burger loaded with Mad Cow disease. Who knows? Simone was likely chosen as his first victim because of her engagement to grandson Ethan. As Ozzy Osbourne would say, “Evil, evil, fucking evil!” Trust Bianca to try and give Derek sensitivity training (“She wasn’t in drag”) just as he’s starting to believe her about Zoë’s attacker. Way to go, Binks! Now that Spike has temporarily joined the Wildwind gang, how long will it take Annie to pound it into Emma that he’s her little brother and they should all live with Daddy Ryan? Five, six minutes? Wow. A plane filled with five men hell-bent on avenging the Satin Slayer’s victims (most of them, anyway; no one was thinking of Simone – a little cold, considering that Tad used to pork her brains out). That’s one angry posse heading to Vegas! “You DO know who I am, don’t you?” Erica, this security guard of Zach’s is not a big ol’ lion you can stare down! That’s why he gets paid the big bucks. You’ll have to do better than that, sweetie – and, apparently, you did, just by dialing your cellie. You then were mysteriously transported outside the room where Josh, Jeff, and a not-so-dead Babe are hanging. Huh? What I found even more amusing was Erica’s horror over the fact that Jack broke the law. It must be especially galling that Jack wouldn’t break the law for her during Bianca’s custody hearing, lo those many years ago, but made a fairly quick decision to bend his ethics for Babe, of all people! What will Daddy Evil do with Kendall? Ask her to compare and contrast Michael, Junior, and Ethan in the boudoir? Oh, rats, he didn’t. That would have been far more interesting than his ravings about Ryan and his fine character, a more suitable heir than Michael. Then again, Billy Clyde Tuggle would have been a more suitable heir than Michael. Didn’t that Vegas prostitute remind you of what could have been had Babe not run into JR the sailor man on that Long Beach pier? Speaking of Babe, I thought she’d have the sense to steal the knife off of her dinner tray and make it into a shiv. Imagine trying to escape without a weapon, except, of course, for her wits. Which leaves her half-armed. But hey, she figured out the “Paging Dr. Conway” thing! Way to go! Why does EVERYONE want Kendall with Ryan? Is Daddy Evil in cahoots with Erica? Was he a big Desiree DuBois fan, trying to return a favor? While we’re on the subject of Erica, why is she the only Kane woman without a bodyguard? Logically, she, too, could be on the Satin Slayer’s list. Were you as happy as I was when Zach’s old bear didn’t play “You Are My Sunshine?” All right, I’ll admit to being slightly demented sometimes, but when Daddy Evil told Kendall he wanted to show her something, I thought NOW we’ll find out his true motive behind the whole killing and kidnapping thing: he wants to join the Cambias Men Who Have Slept With Kendall Club! GH Edward’s monologue with Lila’s spirit was as wrenching to watch as it must have been to film. Ditto Monica. When she mentioned how Alan made her feel after her mastectomy, when she never thought she’d be viewed as a woman again, a touching scene passed through my mind: Monica revealing her post-surgery body and Alan tenderly embracing her. Emily, telling Alan that he’s been he inspiration since she was 11 years old. And then Jason, who let Craig get away after Spinelli implored him to get to Alan in the hospital. The look on his face when he realized he was too late. LINE OF THE WEEK: “He is my brother. I have tortured him my whole life. I don’t like him, I love him.” More truth and agony from Tracy. It seemed almost appropriate that Edward, Tracy and Monica were bickering in another room as Alan slipped away. Sad, but true to form. “Plastique. Taped to the walls of the Metro Court. Of course you had to sleep with Sonny. I understand. I would have, too.” No, not exactly what Jax said, but Carly can dream, can’t she? Too bad for her that he also didn’t buy the “You were gone for two months” excuse. So, let’s pull out the “It’s not infidelity if it’s your husband” and see if that works. Uh, no. Not quite batting a thousand, Carly! You’ve got some major ‘splaining to do! Okay, Jason, break my heart as you did when you visited Edward after Lila died. Recite the Gospel According to St. Craig: “You only get one father.” After musing about that, he told Alan’s body that he was going to be a father and how it made him realize what he’d put Alan through when he walked away from the Quartermaines. A final, emotional “I’m sorry.” Bravo, Steve “Jason” Burton. It must have been damned hard to sit by and emote over Stuart “Alan” Damon’s body, a man you’ve worked with for much of your adult life – and no doubt admired. Saint Jason the Good absolved Skye of any culpability in the hostage crisis, but most of the Quartermaine women don’t share that view. Saint Emily the Good tried to do the same for Saint Jason regarding his absence from Alan’s deathbed, but he’s going to be beating himself up over that for quite some time. It’s hard to be a saint these days. I hope they gave Damon some Valium or morphine to get through all those deathbed scenes. It would have been the least they could do. The VERY least. Leslie “Monica” Charleson played it just right when she returned, alone, to the mansion, with the constant refrain of “It’s my house” – “I gave it to you” reverberating in her head. Having Jason show up to comfort her was also a nice touch. At least Jax has Alexis and her pot/custody problems with Ric to keep his mind off Carly doing the nasty with Sonny. Oh, and their marriage. A vengeful Jax is a delight to watch. Look who’s here – Lesley! They brought her out to have a scene with Scotty. Last week, it was Bobbie. If this is a trend, I say keep it up! If the reunited Liz and Lucky move into Spencer House (the one-time Ward House, remember?), where does that leave the aforementioned Lesley? LINE OF THE WEEK 2: “Monica, just because you married into a family with taste doesn’t mean you acquired any.” Oh, SNAP, Tracy! Let the funeral/memorial arrangements/bitchfest begin! Add Carly to the mix and watch everyone combust! Wasn’t it odd that Edward played peacemaker? Isn’t that Emily’s job? You know, Mini-Lila? NEDLY! Warmly greeted by all, even Tracy. Alexis, too. I miss Ned with Eddie’s Angel. They still look great together. Plus, he’ll be another ally against Ric. Yay! While tripping down Memory Lane, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to revisit a different story with Scotty, one that was sorta dropped? I refer to the “is Scotty really Dillon’s father?” theory. Look at the hair! RANDOM CONFESSIONS Sometimes it pays to be called a Media Ho. (Well, not financially.) Riddle me this: which singing soapster has zero degrees of separation from one of the artists nominated for a Best Song Oscar this past weekend? Give up? Siedah Garrett, lyricist of “Love You I Do” from Dreamgirls, sang backup on Jack (ex-Frisco) Wagner’s early albums! Here’s an added bonus: another backup singer for Jack was Edie Lehman, best known for playing concert pianist Katharine Delafield on GH. Speculation that Craig could be Sam’s father adds an extra dimension of sexual “EWW” to her character, as at one point during the crisis, she thought he was about to rape her. He also admired her décolletage for several uncomfortable moments. Um, ick?
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