Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

July 17, 2008

The Media Ho From The Road

Greetings! I’m off on a business trip this week, but thought I’d leave you with some bits and pieces from early 2007 that I hope you enjoy reading again, along with a snarky little comment about Annie Lavery from a much more recent episode. See you next week!

AMC 

January 25, 2007
I’m rather anxious to learn who the Satin Slayer is, but not for the obvious reason. I’d like to buy him a drink. I can forgive him for Simone and Dani because it’s been accurately reported that DixieBirdBrain will be his next victim. (Erin Lavery was simply a bonus.) The killer obviously has resources, judging by the warehouse camera setup and the altered portrait of Zach’s mother. There’s speculation that it’s David Hayward, a theory of Tad’s I’d be happy to support. After all, the OLTL PTB allowed the public to think Todd’s portrayer, Trevor St. John, had been let go in order to trick everyone into believing that Todd was really going to be executed. They went so far as to post an “interview” with St. John, asking about his plans for the future (a new low, in my opinion). So, I wouldn’t put it past ABC to “fire” Vincent “David” Irizarry, even let him take a short-term role elsewhere, and then bring him back. Along those same lines, perhaps the Satin Slayer is Brooke. Since the killer has some kind of connection to the death of Zach’s mother, that would seem to eliminate the younger set as suspects.

February 1, 2007
Almost as strange was Adam’s inertia as JR and Babe performed CPR on DixieBirdBrain’s inert body. Particularly as JR had to crawl out of a wheelchair to try and revive his mother. Naturally, with what may have been her last breath, DixieBirdBrain was able to tell JR that KWAK is carrying Tad’s baby. Stay with me on this one. The opening narration of one of my favorite movies, “Love Actually,” has Hugh Grant saying something along the lines of how the people making phone calls on 9/11, whether from the doomed planes or the Twin Towers, weren’t phoning people to rag on them; rather, they were calling with messages of love, aware that this might be their final opportunity. That’s how so many of those brave souls chose to spend their last moments. DixieBirdBrain, on the other hand, may have drawn her last breath while revealing a destructive secret. Not, oh, “JR, I love you,” but “Give Tad his child.” Why am I not surprised?

As Ryan told Annie about his newly discovered status regarding Emma, I imagined what must have been going through her mind: “Of all the sperm joints in all the world, you had to drop spunk in mine.”

You know what I enjoyed most about the DixieBirdBrain flashbacks? Seeing former and current cast members. The original Will Cortlandt, played by Lonnie Quinn (most recently a weatherman on a Florida TV station). Opal, then and now.  Young JR (two versions!) and Jamie. Joe and Ruth. Several weddings, with Palmer giving away the bride.

Although it’s no secret that I bore no love for the character of DixieBirdBrain, when Joe Martin announced to her loved ones “We lost her,” I shed a few tears. Not for her, but for those she left behind. As usual, the core actors of AMC stepped up to the plate with displays of raw emotion. Two standouts were Jacob “JR” Young and Justin “Jamie” Bruening. When Jamie simply cowered quietly in a corner, overwhelmed, he conveyed his grief without words. DixieBirdBrain’s “spirit” looking at her loved ones’ agony was also moving, especially when she saw Tad with their daughter. I’m wondering how that whole thing is going to pan out now.

LINE OF THE WEEK (in my dreams): “Momma, let’s look on the bright side. Now that DixieBirdBrain is gone, your secret that Tad’s your baby daddy is gone, too.”

April 5, 2007
“Tad-you-bug, Tad-you-bug, fly away home. I’ve torched your house and you’ll all on your own.” Adam’s new favorite nursery rhyme? Can’t you just see him reciting it to Little A at bedtime?

LINE OF THE WEEK: “What do I care if Ryan wants to marry PollyAnnie?” Well, Kendall, a bit more than you’ll ever admit. I like the PollyAnnie name, though, and will probably use it when I’m forced to discuss her.

So sad to see Tad among the smoldering ruins of his house, fondling Kate’s sooty baby cap. It could have been worse, however. A petrified box of chicken fingers. An old picture of Marian and Liza. Jenny’s Jet-Ski keys.

Looks like someone’s trying to get up the nerve to phone Ryan and croon “Butterfly Kisses” into the handset. Wonder who THAT could be?

May 5, 2007
So, now that Josh has seen Hannah in her bra, how long will it take him to ask her to play Mrs. Robinson for him? About 15 minutes? Coo-coo-ca-choo! Denied, alas, rather abruptly, as things were getting a tad heated.

Speaking of Mrs. Robinson, do you think Sean will be getting a little bit of that from Ava?

May 17, 2007
During the extended (non) wedding night revels of Ryan and Annie, I was waiting for him to sensually open a bottle of tequila, pour it in his navel, and invite her to do a body shot. Oh well.

“Lily, I could be you forever and never get tired of it.” Uh-oh. Let’s hope Ava doesn’t toss her half-sister down a well. Been there, done that.

Yep, as I suspected, Greenlee also wants part of Fusion back. Unfortunately, she didn’t take her shares away from Babe (she could have offered to swap for a new double-wide, far away from Pine Valley). Simone left the shares Ethan gave her to Greenlee. Let the catfights begin!

Isn’t it nice that there’s a place to stay in Pine Valley other than the Valley Inn, the Pine Cone, or between a Carey’s legs? Yes, the Yacht Club is now another popular spot to drop your drawers. Just ask Josh!

Ava doesn’t seem to approve of Sean’s asking Colby to the prom. Do you think she’ll rig up a bucket of pig’s blood?

GH 

February 22, 2007
LINE OF THE WEEK: “Jason, since I’m already pregnant, let’s pass the time we’re stuck in this elevator by having hot monkey sex.” Well, okay, Elizabeth never said that, but it certainly was going through MY mind! However, it doesn’t top what she actually said, which was, “Jason, Lucky’s not the father of this baby. You are.”

Craig got away (and I bet we’ll see him again), but Sonny and Carly have the briefcase…and each other. (Yes, I barfed a little bit as I wrote that.) Firemen dragged Spinelli out of the ruins of the Metro Court as he screamed for them to search for Lulu. Luke was desperately searching for his gumdrop among the debris. And Jason…he’s not thrilled at all that Elizabeth kept his baby from him, even though it’s still in utero. Such drama!

LINE OF THE WEEK 3: “Hold on, I speak Spinelli.” Dillon, to the rescue workers who couldn’t understand Spinelli’s unique take on the English language.

Oh, good, Em remembered Alan as Sidney The Bear. So did Alan. More importantly, so did the writers. Does this bode well for Alan, or is Pollyanna invading my body again?

AUGGH! I’m blind! Sonny’s washing Carly’s hair AUGGH! Someone make him stop! Isn’t this a cue for Jax to swoop in and misunderstand, uh, I mean, save the day?  At the very least, it’s a cue for Michael and Morgan to burst in, now that DADDY’S KISSING MOMMY! AUGGH! NOW THEY’RE TAKING IT FURTHER! I’m blind, I tell ya, blind! Someone quick, get me a pair of Ray-Bans!

March 8, 2007
How ironic is it that someone who helped hold the Metro Court hostage is now on its security team? What an illustrious surname, too. Barrett. Related to Harlan, Julia and Brenda in some way? Hmm?

LINE OF THE WEEK: “That vampire you’re talking about is my wife!” Hey, Luke, just be happy Tracy wasn’t in town when Caleb and all his little fanged friends called The Chuckles home!

What gives Monica the right to control Alan’s memorial? “It’s my house and Alan gave it to me.” Brava. That deserves to be carved into the mantle over the fireplace, if not the front gates of the estate.

I honestly cannot fathom how the cast got through the memorial service, especially with all the personal and professional angst that preceded it. They deserve a medal. Perhaps the Daytime Emmys could issue their own version of the Purple Heart?

Ooh. Tracy needs a drink and she’s faced with Skye and Alcazar. Not a good combination. Unfortunately, Ned and Dillon broke it up before things got broken. Rats.

Ned’s eulogy was both touching and painfully honest. I had hope he would end it with a song, but as Mick says, you can’t always get what you want. (Lucy Coe showing up in a red dress and hat would have been nice, though.) The flashbacks were lovely. Wasn’t it nice to see snippets of Alan performing at the Nurses Ball? Wouldn’t it be a fitting tribute to relaunch it in his honor?

LINE OF THE WEEK: “I’ve learned from the master, Sensei Stone Cold.” Oh, Spinelli, I adore you!

April 5, 2007
New Spinelli-isms: “The Cyber Illiterates” (Dillon and Milo), “The Unworthy One” (Logan), “Mooner” (Milo, who was once arrested for mooning, a factoid The Jackal found in cyberspace). Love it!

Nik is wondering how Emily will take the news of his “relationship” with Robin. I think an excellent clue would be finding Sheba’s head in his bed.

May 5, 2007
How much did you love Spinelli’s fantasy dance with Lulu? I’m wondering who taught them those great moves and if Kelly “Sam” Monaco provided any tips. I rewound the tape at least eight times, and then brought it to a friend who transferred it to DVD (and called me late to say, “You know, that dance scene was pretty darn funny!”).

Why did Sonny take a room at the Metro Court? I could understand if that’s where the wedding was held, or if his driver was unavailable. I mean, he could truck in a load of hooch and hoochie mamas to his very own house, as the boys aren’t staying with him. Ah, but then the lovely Amelia wouldn’t accidentally show up. Now it makes sense. Great job watching over Sonny, Max and Stan!

Oh, Sonny, no wonder you always try to get Carly back. What a spotty track record you have. Especially when you have a one-nighter with an evil TV producer and then legally maneuver to shut down production of her show the next day. You know, the show starring your “mistress?” (How many Everyday Heroes staffers will Sonny introduce to his magic penis?)

Brendan, the network executive, told Sam and Amelia that any connection with organized crime could cause problems for them with the FCC. I guess he’s convinced that Jason truly is a coffee importer, and has no idea that Amelia blew him off the night before to frolic in the feathers with the Godfather. Ignorance is bliss.

Who are The Jackal’s parental units?

May 17, 2007
LINE OF THE WEEK: “What made you come up with the name Jacob Martin?” Lucky, this is your brain after lots of drugs. Check out the initials and get back to me. That is, if you’re not too busy popping pills after you truly recognize the significance.

Attention K-Mart shoppers: check Aisle 5, the rape is back. The “seduction” is once again the rape at the Campus Disco. Stick around and perhaps people will remember that GH’s police commissioner was once a rogue who plotted to blow up a Quartermaine cargo ship (the “Tracy!”). Maybe if these writers worked at the White House, we’d be out of Iraq – they can revise anything.

A MUCH MORE RECENT OBSERVATION…AMC

Last week, Babe was offering a shoulder for Annie to cry on about the loss of her beloved brother, Richie, and asked if she’d told her father. Annie’s reply was along the lines of, “Yes, and it was the hardest phone call I’ve ever made,” Exqueeze me? Baking powder? Her dad is deaf, and unless Annie has one of those special videophones – which she doesn’t – that must have been a rather difficult phone call indeed!