Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

August 10, 2006

AMC

When is that baby going to get a real name? Imagine Erica, years from now, introducing her grandson to her latest fiancée, “And this is…Spike.”

Kendall wants to know why Tad is so sure that Zach and DixieBirdBrain buried Madden. So do a lot of us. “Is it a hunch or do you know something?” He knows he’s miffed that DixieBirdBrain went to Zach for help rather than family. Jealous, Tad?

So, DixieBirdBrain wants to live in an alternative reality, one where she can be with Kate. Maybe she should consult Janet-From-Another-Planet. After all, that’s her forté!

Trouble on The Rock! The Scoobies found Josh and Babe! Too bad they were entwined in each other’s arms! Oh, well, they got over it, and more easily than I’d imagined.

Unbelievable! Erica’s so torn up about Josh, she’s willing to have a rerun of “New Beginnings” broadcast, if not bumped altogether. Now you know her grief is sincere.

Remember the classic, groundbreaking sitcom, Soap? I’ve been watching it on DVD (now in the middle of Season 3), and something happened on AMC this week that brought back a memory from Soap’s first season. The murder of Burt Campbell’s son, Peter the tennis player, was under investigation. All family members were suspects. Chief of Police Tinkler declared, “I know who the murderer is. That person is in this room!” I thought of that when everyone filed into the Pine Valley courtroom.

LINE OF THE WEEK: “Oops, I forgot to gas up the jet?” – Julia, incredulous at Josh’s excuse for the plane crash.

Sydney brings out the beast in Colby (and, truly, it doesn’t take much), and these catfighters-in-training are amusing me no end.

When Jackson tried to explain to Lily why he was trying to have her declared incompetent, the word “ASSHOLE!” kept flying out of my mouth. My cat want to have me declared incompetent. What’s next, Jack, are you going to have the little Laverys evicted from Greenlee’s penthouse? Wouldn’t surprise me!

DixieBirdBrain is depending on Di and Del to raise her bail money? Guess she’s going to be staying in the clink. Tad certainly isn’t going to ante up.

LINE OF THE WEEK, PART DEUX: “I only wanted to borrow your wife. You’re the one who wanted to kill her.” Ouch! Touché, Josh!

Erica’s in distress, so they trot out Myrtle. Nice to see her, even nicer to hear her wise counsel. Loved seeing Palmer, too, but not thrilled about the reason (bailing out DixieBirdBrain).

Who knew Winifred could speak more than two sentences at a time? Are we seeing a little of what GH has done so well: giving time to established character actors (Alice, Max and Epiphany have all made GH a fun place to visit)? Bring it on!

OOH! Erica’s going to throw down with the Chandlers over Josh! Jeff’s getting all paternal, too! Josh wasn’t interested. Erica’s about to open a can of Whoop-Ass on anyone who looks at her cross-eyed! Sadly, she didn’t. Rats.

Kendall, you should know better than to tell Zach whom he can and cannot be friends with! Not that I disagree with you in this case, but Zach’s not that kind of guy.

Is it me, or did KWAK look distinctly queasy when Adam lectured Tad about sleeping with married women? A bit of a storyline preview, perhaps?

What kind of doofus walks into her adult son’s apartment without knocking? What kind of doofus would give his mom the key to his bachelor pad? (Okay, okay, the door was ajar…what kind of doofus – in this case, doofi – would leave the door open when they’re getting it on?) At any rate, it was great to see Brooke, and she was looking fantastic – until she realized whom her baby boy was knocking boots with! Stammer, stammer, stammer!

DAMN IT! Erica’s story about why she “terminated” her pregnancy was going so well – she wasn’t ready to be a mother – until revisionism kicked in and “emotional things from the past” that she really wasn’t aware of got included. DAMN.

If Jamie and Julia’s May/December relationship means we’ll be seeing Brooke, I’m all for it. Julia “Brooke” Barr and Justin “Jamie” Bruening bounce off each other in a natural fashion, and I welcome their sparring.


GH

Gee, Alexis, that cough sounds AWFUL. Maybe you should see a doctor! Can anybody sense…setup?

For a guy who usually lets others pull triggers for him, Sonny sure looked comfortable flashing that big ol’ silver gun around at his meeting with the Rosales family.

Did you notice that Ric’s building a crystal decanter collection…just like Sonny’s? Also, did you notice that he thinks Alexis is favoring Kristina over Molly…Sonny’s child over his own? Soon we’ll be seeing Ric boinking Sam…just like Sonny! Well, almost just like Sonny. After all, Alexis has said that Ric’s bigger!

I have to laugh when Sonny says that all shipping avenues go through Port Charles, therefore, all avenues go through him. Ever see a (fictional) map of (fictional) Port Charles? Not exactly your major shipping port, like, say, Port Newark, San Diego or New Orleans!

How mortifying! Lulu’s standing in the dark at Kelly’s trying to read her pregnancy test when all the lights click on and people jump out, yelling “SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” It sucks to be Lulu right about now!

It’s been some time since we’ve seen Jason all dressed up for dinner, and he looks lovely. And, according to Steve “Jason” Burton, he’ll be looking abdelicious real soon, in some hot revenge sex scenes with Liz. He’s been doing his cardio in preparation for said scenes, so viewers will be treated to the sight of his newly buffed torso. Bring it on!

Carly calling Alexis “a domineering control freak?” Isn’t that like a cat calling another cat furry?

All hail Spencer Cassadine! Can’t wait to see how Helena’s going to react to the news! Whatever it takes to bring her to town, I support one hundred percent.

Did you know that brownouts make Liz feel vulnerable and trapped? Me neither. Setup!

Hey, Lucky, did you steal Sonny’s flask? Supplementing painkillers with hooch is a really stupid move. Especially when there’s a (semi) sweet young thing carrying a major torch for you. And seeing Patrick talking to Liz only represented lighter fluid in this case. Flame on!

Liz told Carly about Patrick’s exposure to AIDS. She looked horrified. Will Robin be proven right, that Carly will never sleep with Patrick?

Carly also looked horrified when she saw Lucky and Maxie sucking face. What might she do with this information? Remarkably, she didn’t blurt it out when Liz asked her if she’d seen Lucky, but she sure lost her poker face, for a minute, anyway. Then it all came gushing out. Along with the info that Lucky and Maxie were, right at that moment, making the beast with two backs upstairs.

It’s nice that John “Edward” Ingle’s character finally got to tell Jason how he has Lila’s eyes. Ingle was reportedly broken up when the death of the beloved Lila was played out with a recast Edward, who got to say those words to Jason in a very poignant scene. I was so pleased that he (rightfully) got to say those words this week.

Will Lulu’s confession to the back of Laura’s head be the catalyst that breaks her mom out of her catatonia?

Jason re-enacted the scene of Sam being shot in his arms. Aww. Most people like to re-enact their first kiss. Not our Jase!

Sam, naturally, was devastated when Jason said there was no going back for them. Ric was devastated when he walked in on Alexis embracing the mayor. Liz was devastated when she found Lucky in bed with Maxie. I think we all know where these various paths of devastation are leading: right down the path of destruction.

Well, at least Dillon and Georgie seem to be on the path of reconciliation. Let’s hope Lulu doesn’t interfere. Yeah, right!

Liz actually called Lucky a liar when he told her he was out all night on a stakeout. He tried to continue the lie, but tripped over his own tongue. Freakin’ idiot.

According to Georgie, Mac was worried sick when Maxie didn’t come home. Would he have felt better if he’d known she was with one of Port Charles’ Finest?

Lady Jane showed up and told Carly that Jax has taken up with a woman in Africa, “a ruthless gold digger…a predator.” All an act. Lady Jane actually wants Carly to return to Cairo with her, back to Jax. My, how things change! Especially Carly’s argument that she was her own woman now and not about to start running after men again, not even a man like Jax. She then admitted she was afraid of being hurt, which Lady Jane jumped on. Come to Africa! Bring the boys! (Yep, Sonny would love that!) Will Carly accept the challenge? “Hello, immunizations for three, please!”

If a recast of Jerry Jax is in the works, my vote’s in for Thorsten Kaye (Zach, AMC; ex-Ian, PC; ex-Patrick, OLTL). He’s said to be bored with his current role. Well, if they can’t bring back the original Jerry, Kaye merits a lot of consideration.

Wasn’t it fun to watch Sonny spar with Alcazar? The insults were flying fast and furious: Sonny, referencing the disappearance of Skye and Lorenzo’s unborn baby; Alcazar responding with, “Why don’t you go get your head shrunk?” Good stuff!

CATFIGHT! Liz slapped Maxie across the face at the Nurse’s Station after Maxie made a snide remark about Patrick. After it happened, I thought, “If Epiphany comes out and whacks Maxie, I can die happy!” (Forgive me, but I grew up with Dynasty, and I truly adore catfights of the human kind!) Then, when Patrick jumped in between them, I sat up straight. It ended…just in time for Lucky to see Patrick comforting Liz, which didn’t look good, especially to Lucky’s drunk and high self.

Wasn’t Carly’s face a hoot when Michael spilled all to Sonny about going to Africa? Some of the expressions she made had me laughing out loud! Laura “Carly” Wright continues to impress this writer.

Was I the only one wondering why Lucas wasn’t at Lulu’s surprise party? Daniel Coleridge, soap columnist for TVGuide.com, has the scoop: “Luke and Laura’s gay teen nephew last aired June 19 and has since vanished without explanation. Now I can finally tell you where he’s gone: The Bold and the Beautiful.”

Coleridge added that a GH spokesperson mentioned that the role of Lucas will be recast at a later date “’as story line dictates’. Uh oh. That comment doesn’t bode too well for Lucas’ future. Just for the helluvit, let’s retrace his oh-so-short coming out journey, shall we? If you recall, [Ben] Hogestyn was cast as Lucas because Desperate Housewives gardener Ryan Carnes opted to quit just before the character came out. At the time, Carnes’ rep offered up some sketchy excuses for his exit, but the timing was really suspect. Later on, Hogestyn’s version of Lucas gradually came out to friends and family, got gay-bashed, did a GLAAD public service announcement and befriended the out and proud Guy (Nicholas DiNardo). The last time I recall seeing Lucas, he was hanging out with Guy at the high school prom. The dudes were shaking their heads at Georgie and Dillon’s teenage melodrama, then heroically broke up a fistfight between Dillon and Diego.”

What a shame. Hogestyn showed promise, particularly in his scenes with the dying Tony Jones, his adoptive father. No room for a gay teen in the Chuckles? If GH, like all the other soaps, was going after an increased teen audience this summer, the gay teen demographic is not one that should have been ignored.  Guess we’re just gearing up for The Return of Laura; all else be damned (or at least cut, due to budget concerns).