Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

August 31, 2006

AMC

 If I were a rival P.I., I’d take out full-page ads in the local papers as well as radio spots, loudly trumpeting the fact that ace P.I. Tad Martin’s house was thoroughly bugged by the PVPD. Undetected by the great detective.

Sean should learn – FAST – that the way to Erica’s heart is not found by offering to make her a sandwich (as if she’d eat one). What he should have done was majorly gush over her new headshots. Asking for an autographed one would have earned him a permanent bunk at Casa Kane.

Speaking of Sean, why is Jack so adamant that he stays? Sure, he’s stood up to Erica in the past over his kids – Greenlee, Lily, and Reggie (remember Reggie?) – but what’s with this sudden nephew-love?

Dani told Erin and Simone that she’d hooked up with Josh. I don’t think she happened to mention that she was drunk and a virgin at the time. Will she be on the show long enough to confess all? Erin certainly wants details!

The more I see Colby, the more votes she gets for my least favorite character. I’d like to see Billy Clyde Tuggle lust for her, then throw her in a raging river. Or have her sign up for photography lessons with Brooke’s former fiancé. Get pushed off a cliff by Vanessa Courtlandt. Go barhopping with Will Cooney or Arlene Vaughan. You get the idea.

Zach, Kendall, you bloomin’ idiots (as Myrtle would say)! Having a snogging session on the rooftop of Fusion, Pine Valley’s answer to Grand Central Station? When you supposedly are close to divorce? Observed by Josh, whom you know will use the info to make Kendall make nice with Babe! I’m giving you both the Lavery Clown Nose Award (with apologies to the fabulous Kate Brown!) for utter stupidity.

How many people want Tad to shut up? SO many (picture outstretched arms)! I’m just wondering how he’s managed to keep his trap shut about seeing DixieBirdBrain and Zach with Madden’s body.

We now know that one of Sean’s hidden talents is procuring fake I.D.s. Good thing Jonathan caught on to Sean, Colby, and friends at ConFusion! New enemy for Colby (as if she were lacking in that department)!

One of her first enemies, Sydney, successfully snapped a shot of Colby drinking before she had to switch to Shirley Temples, and threatened exposure unless she got to wear the dress Colby coveted to their shared Sweet 16. Though I detest Colby, I am enjoying this teen version of Alexis vs. Krystal (Dynasty). The Sweet 16 takes place next week and promises to be a real HO-down!

Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber (JR and Jamie, natch) enlisted Amanda to help them in their quixotic quest to steal the Tad Tapes from Derek’s office. How clever! Did they sit and watch a few “Pink Panther” or Farrelly Brothers movies before heading out?

I found it totally reprehensible that Amanda would play the Trevor card on Derek so that Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber could raid his office. Worse, even, than Tad playing the friendship card on Derek when they’ve been little more than adversaries for eons. Too bad that all their efforts were for naught, as Zach showed up and snagged the tape. The boys got it back…just in time for Derek to catch them. Sweet maneuver, Zach!

Here’s a thought: Tad saw Zach and DixieBirdBrain move what seemed to be a body. Who says it was Madden’s? Hello? Anyone remember Erica? She was somehow removed from Madden’s jet, still unconscious, and woke up on a park bench. Perhaps Zach and DixieBirdBrain were moving her body.

GH 

I was really expecting Jax to exclaim, “Oh, Carly! A maid’s uniform! You shouldn’t have!” before pouncing on her. That would have been the polite thing to do.

“Oh, Maxie! Pills! You shouldn’t have!” Words I really didn’t expect to hear from Lucky. Don’t worry, Maxie, just hang on to your stash. He’ll be back.

It’s nice to see Sonny getting serious about his own problems. How can you tell? All the crystal decanters have been replaced by unbreakable bottles of water! Good going! (Unless, of course, they’ve been refilled with vodka by Milo, trying to get in good with the boss.)

Oh, Carly! As more and more details about the gold digger (spoon-fed to her by Lady Jane) came out of your mouth, the more ridiculous they sounded! Lady Jane can play you like a mandolin! Or not. Jax quickly figured out his mother’s plan and came up with a faux gold digger, Jemma. Carly retaliated by siccing the boys on her. Tables turned! Carly’s a step ahead of Jax and his mother, and I love it!

When did Lucky become the poster boy for the anti-Planned Parenthood crowd? Well, it is typical for an addict to trade one obsession for another, so maybe he’s trying to distract himself from his painkiller jones by concentrating on Lulu and her problem. Then, of course, use it as an excuse to take pills.

Jax in that tux and Carly in that elegant outfit sure reminded me of one of my favorite Bond films, “The Spy Who Loved Me,” starring Roger Moore and Barbara Bach. Even the location fits!

Edward and Tracy teaming up to keep Lulu from aborting “the next Quartermaine heir” are more frightening than any horror movie. Even worse was Dillon’s reaction after Lulu said, “My body”: “My baby.” What’s scarier than an unprepared teenage father?

It’s nice to have Dillon and Lucky’s attitudes balanced by Georgie, Elizabeth, Emily and Nik, who will support Lulu’s choice even if they are not comfortable with it. HER body. HER choice.

I love this newly empowered Carly, one who chooses self-respect over a man. BRAVA!