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September 14, 2006 Sorry I missed you last week – blame it on a nasty, still enduring sinus infection that has wreaked havoc on my entire body! Despite my still-weakened condition, I missed writing the column last week, so I’m back…perhaps not one hundred percent, so bear with me! AMC Last week, I would have commented on the bit of news from Sage that the “Mean Girls” who tormented Lily a couple of years were set to return to Pine Valley. Not wanting to drop a hot topic, here’s my take on that announcement:
Moving along…did I hear Simone call Erin “a bore?” No? “A snore,” perhaps? No, rats, the word that came out of her mouth before diving into the chocolate fondue was “more.” Must be subliminal hearing on my part. Erica folding baby clothes? Awkward pause at first, though. Should we be surprised that she gave up after one onesie? Dr. David flirts beautifully, doesn’t he? More, please (but keep Hoolia out of it, if you don’t mind)! The Skank Sixteen continues. Fortunately, Colby wasn’t even a twinkle in Adam’s eye back in the day when Jesse McCartney played JR. Otherwise, his flirting would have been even skeevier. I was hoping that Colby and Sydney would rip Sean in two during their tug-o-war, but no such luck. It was amusing to hear Colby to hear Colby screaming “BRAT!” at Sydney, sort of like the petulant child calling the…well, you know what I mean. Amanda’s breathy “I want to be with you” to Jonathan mid-slurp made it sound like she was ready to implode. Well, I suppose someone had to christen the ConFusion office. Last year, we had the slimy Dragon all over Dani. This year, Lily’s the victim in Perv Valley. Do you think ABC’s focus groups unanimously said, “yes, we love seeing young girls preyed upon by sickos…oh, for the days when Michael Cambias was raping Bianca…even the days of Richard Fields and 14-year-old Erica. Oh, please, give us more of the same!”? Frons should be called “The Mailman;” he certainly delivers. Trouble is, what he delivers is illegal to send via U.S. mail. I’m not going to even comment on the violent scenes in the cabin this week. My stomach’s not strong enough these days. Let me get this straight: Lily barely touched Jonathan, her husband, yet she’s offering to teach Asperger Boy how to kiss? Who switched the writers from decaf to espresso? Another mystery at sea! Sean’s stolen Erica and Jack’s yacht and taken Colby and assorted Skank Sixteen guests on a joy ride (including stowaway Syd). Wouldn’t it be great if they ended up on an uncharted island with not enough collective brainpower among them to equal Gilligan, much less The Professor! Quite a week when we have scenes with Palmer and Myrtle, then Stuart and Marion. What’s next, Opal? Petey? Ruth? Tonya “Livia” Pinkins, now on recurring status, is currently starring in a pharmaceutical company’s national television ad campaign. These are normally rather lucrative. I hope she’s laughing all the way to the bank! GHAgain, last week I would have had this to say about ELQ’s ENDURO condoms: wouldn’t it have been great if Liz, while searching Jason’s apartment for same, had found a condom wrapper, but it was too shredded to read? Ah, memories of Jason’s special condom opening methods…sexy as all get out! Didn’t Jax already do the “no sex” thing once before? That bet with Courtney? Sheesh. For a hot guy, he certainly has plenty of bouts of celibacy. Liz could very well be knocked up courtesy of Jason and ELQ’s ENDURO condoms. Will Jason finally get to raise a child of his own? I know this statement is a tad late, but now that Nik has an Alfred, will there soon be a Batcave at Wyndemere? (Nik does like to play hero!) Whenever The Nanny furrows her brow, I’m reminded of the title character in the classic Christmas cartoon, “The Little Drummer Boy.” Check it out and see if you don’t agree! Poor Alexis. Not even on chemo yet and Jax is making her gag by saying, “Carly gives the best…” before her choking mercifully cut him short. Oh, I love it! Luke is now calling Dillon “Young Polanski!” I live for moments like these! Tony “Luke” Geary is so damned good, and I’m delighted that he cut his summer vacation short. Welcome back, maestro! Laura “Carly” Wright looked absolutely stunning when she entered Mayor Floyd’s cocktail party. What a knockout. Enough to make one say “Brenda? Who’s that?” I’ve been a Vanessa Marcil fan since Day One; so it’s hard for me to believe I just wrote that, trust me! My friend and colleague, Dianna, has dubbed Sam “Boobs McCall,” but Maxie’s cocktail dress gave her temporary custody of that title. Sam, on the other hand, looked rather classy in her more covered-up mode. Were you as surprised as I when Carly came charging to Sam’s rescue? I believe she was anxious to slice and dice Ric with that knife! Then she and Sam bonded over their mutual hatred of Ric. Could Carly actually become Sam’s first female friend? Lulu’s carefully considered her options and decided to terminate her pregnancy. Dillon’s reaction? “You selfish bitch!” Strange. I thought Dillon was supposed to be an example of an evolved young man. Looks like someone’s been touched with a misogynist’s brush – or typewriter. Ditto Lucky. Nik, on the other hand, was rather fair and balanced. Go figure. Carly’s plan to have Sonny get some inconvenient brotherly press photos with Ric at the Mayor’s party was nothing short of brilliant. Floyd told Sam how good it was of her to rid herself of her mobster boyfriend in consideration of her mother’s career, yet he ignored the fact that his interim D.A. is the brother of a major crime lord. Kudos to Carly and Sonny! Well done! Ric was then forced to make sort of a public break with Sonny. Yep, he’s Floyd’s bitch now! I was pleased when Georgie reminded Dillon of the lengths people have gone to in order to keep kids away from the Quartermaines’ influence – citing Lois and Brook Lyn as an example. Good one! Where is Brook Lyn these days? Did she go back to Bensonhurst?
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