Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

September 21, 2006

AMC

A handsome dark-haired young man with some family ties to Pine Valley comes to town and takes the virginity of the daughter of an important man. Wait – am I talking about Sean and Colby (2006) or Josh and Dani (2005)? The writers are really honing their recycling skills! 

LINE OF THE WEEK: PCPD Detective to JR and Babe: “Your sister really ended her party with a bang.” Oh, if they only knew! 

Same detective: “Did one of your Chandler ancestors defile an ancient tomb or something?” This guy doesn’t even have a name, but he’s getting all the good lines! 

However, the writers do seem to like Kendall, too. In her confrontation with DixieBirdBrain at the PCPD, she managed, “You suck lives dry in your sleep,” and “You won’t see the outside of a prison until you’re a miserable, rotting old hag.” 

Hmm, a catatonic blonde lies in a hospital bed, largely because of sexual trauma. Sound familiar? Didn’t McTravesty work over at GH once? 

Oh, Colby, you sly minx! Hiding in the Chandler mansion’s secret passages! Now you’re really going to learn how people feel about you! Are you sure you’re up for this? 

Here’s a way to break Lily out of her catatonic state…a visit from Amanda! “Lily, honey, you have to wake up! Here’s something to shake you out of it: I just boffed your husband!” 

Do you think that Jeff is going to make a move or two on Erica? He’s certainly been fast and loose with the compliments lately. What better way to perk up a stagnant marriage than a first ex-husband on the prowl? 

Now that Jack (Super Lawyer) Montgomery has wiped Annie and Jonathan off the court calendar, I suppose we’ll be moving forward with the Emma/Kate saga. Yippee. Oh, and maybe the KWAK-knocked-up-by-Tad story? With Colby eavesdropping in the walls, count on it. 

ANOTHER LINE OF THE WEEK: “I’ve seen dogs in heat subtler than that tramp you call a mother” – a slightly drunken Kendall to JR. I say that only because if she were sober, she would have certainly said “more subtle than.” 

Where does Jamie buy his suits, The Dollar Store? Talk about fugly! 

Further infringing on Dianna’s territory, here’s a note to AMC’s hair stylists: Tad needs a touch-up, STAT. What you’ve been covering so well is starting to show through. 

From Wall Street to medicine to television producing, back to medicine, then on to cosmetic marketing…where will Josh Madden land next? How about Babe’s boudoir?

Damn! I was so hoping that Colby would fall through the living room wall as Tad and KWAK were talking about their secret! 

TPTB/TIIC have decided to fire Vincent “Dr. David Hayward” Irizarry. According to TVGuide.com’s Daniel Coleridge, AMC executive producer Julie Hanan Carruthers claimed it was a “financial and storyline based” decision. I say it was a sucky decision. Bring on more inconsequential, insignificant characters and cut loose a handsome leading man with acting chops AND charisma? Yep, that makes sense…NOT! End of the storyline for Dr. Hayward? Hey, why not make him related to the Laverys in some fashion, and then there will be plenty of options! Pair him up with another underused gem, like Brooke. Or Simone. This man has acted brilliantly (and romantically) with Susan “Erica” Lucci AND Finola (ex-Anna/Alex Devane) Hughes, two of daytime’s most revered divas. He, and the fans, deserve much better than this. Well, if he must leave, at least throw the fans a bone and have him go out in a blaze of glory, taking DixieBirdBrain with him. He could have her tied up on one of those cow skin patterned rugs in his cabin as he’s mixing up one of his special potions to make her love him again, and BOOM! Better still, he could lure her to the cabin with the promise of finding Kate, then BOOM! (And if Tad had followed her there, call it collateral damage.) As for Mr. Irizarry, I wish him nothing but the best. He’s entertained me on AMC since 1998, and I thank him for many good years of my favorite Dr. Deliciously Devious. May he quickly be cast on one of this season’s breakout programs and laugh all the way to the bank. And to TPTB/TIIC: you suck. 

GH

I really wish that Liz knew any of the martial arts so she could kick Lucky’s miserable ass. Barring that, she should tell Jason how he got violent with her (which she eventually did; and boy, did he look MAD). Lucky would disappear in a millisecond.  Especially if she gets the chance to tell Jason she may be pregnant with his baby. 

Robin has a proposition for Luke. Luke likes propositions. Especially from sweet young things, so I guess that leaves Robin out. However, since her proposition is in regard to a possible cure for Laura, he’ll take it. (Only after he realized how much Lulu wants and needs her mother, though.) 

When is Sonny going to insist that Kristina stop calling Ric “Daddy Ric?” Will he let her address him as “Uncle Ric,” or “Yo, scumbag?” 

Edward and Tracy did a complete 180º turnaround about Lulu’s abortion. Could it be they were just pleased that Luke won’t now sue the ELQ Enduro Condom Division? 

I also take issue with Edward’s constantly referring to the latest Quartermaine baby/potential baby as “my heir.” Um, Eddie, your direct heirs are Alan and Tracy, like it or not. 

When Lucky starting banging on Audrey’s door, demanding to see Elizabeth, I thought of psycho Kevin Chamberlain, who came to the house and brutally beat both Audrey and Steve Hardy a few years back. Fortunately, that didn’t happen this time. 

Oh, geez, Lulu’s already having nightmares about crying-yet-unseen babies and empty cribs. Something I’m sure only her mom can help remedy…you think? 

When Robin and Patrick were debating Laura’s chances of recovery, I was reminded of The Who’s classic rock opera, “Tommy.” In the movie version, the unresponsive Tommy (Roger Daltrey) is taken by his mother (Ann-Margret) to see The Doctor (Jack Nicholson), the specialist in his field. Get a copy of the DVD, for that scene alone (although the whole film is spectacular, trust me). See Nicholson sing words similar to Robin and Patrick’s dialogue! Do it! You’ll love it! 

Rut-ro. Em showed up at Wyndemere just as Nik and Nanny Colleen were sharing an emotional moment. Last time this happened, Alfred ended up in the hospital. What might The Nanny do now? Tamper with her beeper, perhaps? Yeppers! 

Wasn’t the reunion between Luke and Tracy classic? At one point, it looked like Jane Elliot nearly lost it after one of what had to have been a classic Tony Geary ad-lib. (I believe he called her something like “my pretty, pink-cheeked petunia!) I hope his investigation of Robin’s doctor friend is brief! 

As Jax was telling Carly, “There’s nothing standing in our way,” I yelped, “CUE SONNY!” My cat is now trying to figure out how to get me a room next to Laura Spencer’s! 

Wow, Steve “Jason” Burton sure is filling out his t-shirt nicely – there’s a lot more muscle showing, especially on his biceps. Guess all that extra cardio he started doing in preparation for his all-too-brief shirtless scenes with Elizabeth is the gift that keeps on giving, and I truly do thank him! Yowza! 

I have a big question for Maxie: why? Why debase yourself with a drug-addled, cheating liar? I know you’ve got some self-esteem issues (how can we forget Maximum Maxie, Queen of Internet Sex?), but I’m not exactly what to credit for this. Your extremely absent parents, perhaps? Younger sis Georgie seems to have somewhat of a grip on that. Your heart problems? Well, your actions of late can’t be heart-healthy for a number of reasons. (Except they do seem to have miraculously erased your heart surgery scars. But I digress.) Your latest stupid act, the accidental overdose meant to get Lucky’s attention, backfired. Miserably. 

The Homer Simpson “D-OH!” Award goes to Sam, and she earned it with her reaction to seeing Jason outside the lake house: “You’re back?” D-OH! 

Just when I thought Diego had disappeared forever into Mobster Training School, he shows up at Kelly’s, ready to help Lucky help Maxie. Doesn’t look like Lucky wanted his assistance, though. 

Man, it looks like Maurice “Sonny” Benard is really enjoying himself during his scenes with Laura “Carly” Wright and Ingo “Jax” Rademacher. This may be a fun triangle after all! Benard can barely contain his glee when he interrupts one of Carly and Jax’s snogging sessions!