Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

November 9, 2006

AMC   

As Adam explained to KWAK his concerns about kicking the bucket before baby Charlotte was out of diapers, she assured him that Charlotte’s father was extremely healthy and would be around for the long haul. Yep, that Tad’s the picture of youth and vitality! Tad’s on his way to becoming the Sonny Corinthos of Pine Valley! 

Babe confessed about her one-nighter with Josh. Was JR angrier that she cheated on him or that everybody else in town knew before he did? Hard to say. At any rate, it sure looks like he may dive into a kiddie pool filled with bourbon, and soon. 

Jamie should wear turtlenecks more often. He looked like a hotter version of Matt Damon in “The Bourne Identity.” Hot enough to be paired with Simone, but then there’s the “daddy’s been there, done her” ick factor (also a la Sonny Corinthos). Plus, I hear that for once Simone may not be available, but more on that later. 

“Maybe this Josh thing was just a hangover.” Rather poor choice of words, Babe! Prophetic, too! 

Not only did JR raid the mini-bar in Josh’s room, he appears to have sampled every single kind of alcohol in it. Put that in a glass and you can call it a Long Island Iced Tea. You can also call it highly lethal. When JR comes off this particular drunk, his head’s going to be pounding like a Keith Moon drum solo. 

The subsequent scenes between JR and Bianca ranged from frightening and reminiscent of the Bianca/Michael Cambias confrontation to tender, when JR thought of Miranda, the beautiful child he once thought was his own. Then the booze took over and the mood went back to threatening. Excellent job by Jacob “JR” Young. He’s come a long way since his early one- or two-note performances. Nice French accent, too! 

Wasn’t it interesting that Maggie the reluctant lesbian all of a sudden morphed into Maggie the ravenous lesbian when she and Bianca moved to Paris? Hell, they hadn’t even started a physical relationship prior to heading over to France! After Maggie’s awakening to the pleasures of Sapphic love, who exactly could blame her for looking around and thinking, “I’ll have one of those…and one of those…and perhaps one of those?” You wouldn’t drop a starving person in the middle of a five-star restaurant and expect them not to gorge themselves, right? Of course not! By that same token, you wouldn’t want to bring someone you’ve just begun a new kind of relationship with – hetero or homosexual – to a city filled with stunning, stylish and sensuous people and not expect them to be curious. Also, before settling down for good, I would consider the advice offered by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles: “Shop Around.” Before you make a final commitment. 

Babe was obviously never a Motown fan, not with her history of sampling other men after marriage. KWAK, on the other hand, shopped around before and during marriage to Adam. And Colby loves it! 

Circumstances in the form of a presidential new conference prevent me from commenting on JR’s flight out the window, so I’ll have to save that for next week’s column. When I turned on SoapNet Wednesday evening, hoping to catch the episode so I could finish this week’s writing, I had a strange sense of déjà vu. Then I realized that AMC must have been pre-empted across the nation (not that SoapNet bothered to put a crawl across the bottom of the screen that would let you know this, but I digress. Normally, they do.). Well, considering the events that took place across the nation due to Tuesday’s election results, this was a pre-emption that didn’t send me through the roof. I was dancing on the ceiling instead. 

Our own Kate Brown broke the sad new that Terri “Simone” Ivens will be leaving AMC, and it looks like Julia “Brooke” Barr may be right behind her. More sacrifices on the altar of (unacceptable) teen “talent?” Both actresses will be missed. Both had a lot to contribute to the show – and have, particularly in Barr’s case – and should have had stories written to make use of their talents and history. For instance, why not hook up Jamie and Simone? I’ll bet they would show more chemistry than Jamie and Hoolia. A story like that certainly could have included Brooke. However, the character of Brooke has had enough entanglements with other major cast members that a new story for her could practically write itself. How about a big Tempo story about the Dr. Madden/Erica/Josh “relationship?” Juicy, yes, especially considering the bad blood that has always boiled between Brooke and Erica. Brooke could have had an affair with Jeff, which would have been great just to hear Erica throw a hissy fit about Brooke picking up her castoffs. That’s just off the top of my head. Lots of wasted potential here. For shame, PTB.

GH      

As Sonny predicted, Ric is jonesing to have Jason cut down in a hail of bullets while “resisting arrest.” And if Sam ends up being collateral damage, so much the better. 

LINE OF THE WEEK: “You can bet your car, your house, your body part that controls your brain” Even better than the line itself, spoken by Carly, was Sonny’s reaction to that last bit, glancing down at his lap. It’s obvious that the actors are having fun, too. More, please! 

Laura wanted to know how Luke spent his time during her four-year blackout. He waxed on about all the time spent at various hospitals around the world, searching for a cure. Strangely, he didn’t bring up the equal amount of time getting stinko in bars, chasing after “Blaze,” and, oh yes, marrying Tracy. Odd. 

Sam and Jason’s visit to Alcazar’s estate was about as far-fetched as their shootout with the PCPD last week. Hiding behind the living room couch? Hiding behind Baby Lila Rae? Nauseatingly ridiculous. 

Now Luke has to work on keeping his marriage to Tracy secret from Laura while convincing his current wife to agree to a quickie divorce and continued silence around his first wife. Do you think he’ll lose more than that $15 million? I’ll take that bet! 

“The failure of any lie is directly related to the number of people that know the truth.” Wise words from Tracy, who knows a thing or two about lies, failed and otherwise. 

What’s this? Luke admitted that he and Tracy are a great match! Whatever will he do now? Embrace polygamy? It’s clear that neither Luke nor Tracy truly wish to end their special arrangement. I’m loving this. 

Robin’s said at least three times this week that Patrick was stuck with an infected needle during April’s surgery, so I guess I have to stop insisting he was cut with a scalpel. The writers have rewritten history before, but never on my account! 

Ooh, a scene in the skanky doctor apartment! White wine instead of tequila. Well, I suppose tequila tastes better when Coleman serves it. Perhaps they could rent him a room? 

Patrick The Insensitive ripped off “Say Anything” and stood outside Robin’s apartment, blasting a boom box. At least he wasn’t holding it over his head a la John Cusack. Patrick reiterated that he loves Robin, complete with flowers. Aww. Finally, both were honest about their feelings. Relationship on track? Looks that way. Full speed ahead! Next stop: an HIV+ pregnancy? 

In Port Charles, nearly every day is an anniversary of one kind or another. When Sam and Jason spoke of the two years since her baby died, I never dreamed that Slick Ric would also mark the date (not to mention remember it) by staking out the baby’s grave. One more reason why he’s going to burn in hell, and another reason for Jason to want to send him there.  

Regardless, Sam McCall gets the DUMBASS MOVE OF THE WEEK award for a record-breaking two weeks in a row for not realizing that visiting her daughter’s grave would set her up to fall neatly into Ric’s trap. What’s lower, Ric’s soul or Sam’s IQ? 

LINE OF THE WEEK, PART TWO: “That’s my job, Ric. You’re just a temp.” Alexis to her soon-to-be ex-husband.  

I’m also enjoying the old Alexis shining through her illness, sniping at Ric and playfully sparring with Sonny. The repartee between these two is a delight. Maurice “Sonny” Benard is having a lot of fun these days. It sure looked like it when he faked having an affair with Carly in order to protect Jason and Sam from being discovered. At first it looked like they overplayed it in front of Jax, but I think he’s too smart to fall for Sonny’s romantic manipulations. 

A thought just occurred to me, and it’s something that Brenda fans may enjoy. Eddie Matos is playing PCU Professor Pete Marquez. Vanessa “ex-Brenda” Marcil plays Samantha Jane Marquez on NBC’s “Las Vegas.” That character has a troubled brother, who was seen on a previous episode last season. Prof. Pete has already confessed to his personal epiphany, which happened while driving drunk and killing a friend as a result. Stay with me here. “Las Vegas” moved to the kiss-of-death Friday night timeslot last year, to which it just returned, with little fanfare. Read into that what you will.