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November 30, 2006 AMCDavid’s latest baby-related revelation is that (somehow) Ryan is Emma’s biological father. Yes, I remember the days when Ryan made all those deposits in Pine Valley’s First National Sperm Bank. That was a long time ago in soap years (more than 16, if you go by Colby’s age as a guide, but, in reality, about six or seven years ago). However, Dr. Madden was the sperm bank’s last owner, so you never know. Thanksgiving catfight? Did you see the look on Erica’s face when Jackson escorted Brooke to her Thanksgiving table? I feel certain that The Valley Inn will next ban Kanes, Montgomerys and Englishes from the premises entirely, including the rooms (would that mean that Erica and Jeff would have to share digs?). That crafty Zach, making the reservation under his name! Looks like the name Slater won’t be on the reservation list at The Valley Inn dining room any time soon. What to do next year? Reserve a suite under Spike’s name and order up Thanksgiving dinner for twenty from room service? LINE OF THE WEEK: “I think this is going to be one of the most entertaining Thanksgivings I’ve been to in years.” Well said, Brooke! And you’re sure to be part of the floor show! Especially since Erica has decided to show up flanked by her ex-husband and their son! Wow, so Annie finally got a DNA test to match her up with Emma. When will they learn that Ryan makes three? All questions will likely be answered by the farewell DVD that Dr. Delicious has made for his Pine Valley “friends,” including some questions that no one wanted answered (KWAK and Kendall in particular). Colby now has a new invitation to her pity party: “My brother almost died.” Let the hijinks begin! “Tell me, just how many of your husbands did you invite to this party?” Way to start off with your foot in your mouth, Annie! Let’s see how far Miss Kane can cram down the rest of your leg! Erica, who says grace better, Jeff or Jack? (Get out the tape measure for the next question!) Fortunately, Myrtle jumped in to save the day. Across town, KWAK got a double whammy: Tad and DixieBirdBrain joining them for Thanksgiving dinner and DixieBirdBrain overstaying her welcome for a change, moving in for the duration of JR’s recovery. Lots of sniping at The Valley Inn! “Brooke, I’d pass you the gravy, but you don’t want gravy, do you? You don’t want any extra calories.” Erica, the consummate hostess! “Oh, thanks, but you know a girl can only stomach so much garbage.” MEOW! Who let all the cats in the dining room? Even better was a slightly drunk Jack, speaking of vultures and predators, particularly a father and son duo that preys on married women! Lily proved to be the wisest guest of all – it’s her third Thanksgiving, so she came prepared…with earplugs! David’s final stop at baby Leora’s grave was heart wrenching. He truly loved that little girl. When he lost her, he lost most of himself, his humanity in particular. Dr. Dave’s DVD was the first course of the Chandler Thanksgiving dinner. Too bad Babe had to go and smash the TV before the truth came out. Didja notice they didn’t actually show the smashed flat screen beauty? Budgets really are tight! Oh, geez, Sean first came to town as yet another “miracle boy,” savior of sister Molly. Now he’s feeling all guilty because his birth cost his dad (Travis) the woman he loved (Erica). Let’s all sing “Kumbaya” for the lad, shall we? DixieBirdBrain is skulking around the Chandler mansion like never before. I nearly wet myself watching her peer around Adam’s back as KWAK was trying to explain herself. And I had to laugh when KWAK offered to show her to her room. Really, now, the woman was once the maid, then the mistress of the mansion. I think she knows her way around the place. Coming attractions have already revealed that Terri “Simone” Ivens will be the first victim of a Pine Valley serial killer, with Connie “Erin” Fletcher strongly rumored to be victim number two. I’ll miss Ivens, but am sure she’ll end up on a show that will make use of her considerable talents. No one does an Eartha Kitt purr like Ivens! In other widely-reported news (even in mainstream print and television media), the rock star Zarf will be coming to Pine Valley and reveal that he will soon become a she, as in transgendered. So the fact the Zarf will make a move on Bianca isn’t all that farfetched. I guess that means that Zarf will become a woman, then a lesbian? Or are changes in store for Binks? (BTW, I’ve read several reports that say that Zarf will be the first character on television to undergo the transgender process – previous ones had already had their surgical procedures. Well, perhaps this is true for daytime, but not primetime, as my young eyes were shocked by a certain episode of “Medical Center” in the early 1970s, when Robert Reed (Mike “Dad” Brady on “The Brady Bunch!”) came to that hospital to have the gender-changing surgery. For the record, he did not make a very convincing woman, but he did manage to scare the crap out of a lot of young “Brady Bunch” fans, this one included!) GHLife goes on, even though Laura’s just recently left the building. Luke’s gambling and drinking. “Is this how you mourn your wife? Whoops, I’m sorry, I meant your other wife?” asked Tracy. Ric’s reinstated Lucky in spite of Mac’s protests (isn’t that really Mac’s decision?), and will use him as his pawn in his quest to take out Jason, especially since he strongly suspects Elizabeth’s helping Jason elude the cops. Alan and Monica, you dumbasses! Talking about Jason’s resurrection in a public place! Skye overheard them, along with their theory that Alcazar’s men tried to kill Jason. What will Skye do with this intel? Yep, she blabbed all to Lorenzo, almost ensuring another death sentence for cousin Jason. Especially as Alcazar felt immediately compelled to share that info with Ric. Guess we now know where Skye’s loyalties truly lie. Wait until Edward finds out! Tracy and son Dillon have inadvertently teamed up to get Luke to help deal with Lulu and her post-Laura trauma. Tracy read Luke the riot act, telling him to act like an adult for a change. So, farewell to the old Spencer house, time to move back in with the Quartermaines! Carly told Jax she kissed Sonny, and he pretended not to be bothered by that, though his actions were a true contradiction. Micromanaging the hotel décor while insisting he understood the bond between Carly and the father of her sons. Um, yeah. You know, I’m glad that my professors never came to my off-campus job to berate me about my schoolwork. I probably would have tossed a pizza or two at them! Prof. Pete, you have an office for a reason. How can Lucky buy Liz’ story about Gram lending her the money to rent her old art studio? On their budget? I’m sure my friend Father Bud would have something to say about all these Catholic gangsters – Sonny, Jason and Alcazar. The amount of time they should be spending doing penance alone (not to mention time spent in the confession booth) should be more than enough to keep them off the streets! Now Lulu’s involved with the whole Spinelli thing? Gag me. Alcazar’s going to make her “permanently irrelevant.” Sure he is. The anniversary of Stone’s death and the failure to bring Laura back permanently gave Robin a real kick in the teeth. Maurice “Sonny” Benard is rarely more endearing or loving than when he’s having a heart-to-heart with Robin. Every now and then, Nancy Lee Grahn (Alexis) has a moment – usually unspoken 00 that reminds me of her true acting talent. This time it was the revelation of the extent of her hair loss. Brava. Is it me, or is Maxie’s tummy still as flat as a board? LINE OF THE WEEK: “Jason, you’re bleeding. Quick, take off your pants!” Well, okay, Liz didn’t say that last part, but I sure did! (BTW, thank you for that – I do believe that was my first glimpse of his lovely gams. RROWL!) I’d forgotten that Luke helped Stone bungee jump. Stone flashbacks are a good thing, on many levels. If Sam had dropped one more hint about people being disloyal (Liz) and Lucky hadn’t gotten it, I would hope that she’d have grabbed him by the ears and bonked his thick head against the wall. That would have been my next move.
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