Media Ho (noun): A person who retains far too much information about people/places/things having to do with the media world, including (but not limited to) television, movies, music, pop culture, and the movers/shakers/performers in those worlds. Constantly frustrated by friends’ refusal to play any one of the versions of Trivial Pursuit with her. Result: this column, which will deal mostly with the rumors currently out there about ABC Daytime programs and players, delving deeply into them and offering further insight/commentary, drawing on that retained information as well as other sources.

December 7, 2006

AMC    

Did you notice the looks that DixieBirdBrain was shooting at KWAK? Sort of like Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” (or Nanny Brow on GH). Scary! If she starts yelling, “REDRUM,” I’ll jump out of my skin! 

When Bianca told Zarf “I’m a lesbian,” I half expected him to yelp “Me, too!” 

Why does no one get that Simone may have reason to not be in the holiday spirit? Remember Ethan? Her dead fiancée? Darn good reason to be a little down in the mouth. Perhaps that’s why Derek thought she committed suicide, after adorning herself with a gardenia and lacing a ribbon through her clasped hands. 

Tad is certainly more dubious about David’s statement to DixieBirdBrain about the paternity of KWAK’s baby. “I owe you a child, Tad.” Yes, you sorta do, but does somebody else have to suffer in order for you to pay your debt? All DixieBirdBrain is going on here is David’s word, which has been proven worthless time and time again. Yet she’s gung-ho to rip this baby away from its mother so Tad can have a reason to smile again. Gag me. Why not just set him up with a surrogate and be done with it, if that would truly right Tad’s world? 

Babe telling Josh about how he wouldn’t understand about honoring wedding vows because he’s never been married rang sorta false to me. Kind of like…oh, I can’t even think of something equally ludicrous, considering Babe’s checkered history with wedding vows. If anyone out there can think of an appropriate analogy as ridiculous as Babe’s, send it in and I’ll include it in the next column. References to Paris Hilton are allowed. 

Let’s see: Simone was laid out on a yoga mat (all eyes on Zarf) with a ribbon in her hands (Zach’s thoughts turn on himself). What’s with the gardenia (all eyes on Billie Holiday)? Here’s the funny part: Ryan’s late lamented wife, Princess Gillian Andrassy, just loved gardenias. Rumors have flown for eons that the actress who played Gillian, Esta Ter Blanche, has longed to return to Pine Valley. Interesting, no? 

Lying there in those strappy, 1940s-style pumps with her hair flowing in waves around the gardenia, Simone really did resemble jazz singer Billie Holiday, who also died far too young. Could this be a theme? Will the next victim, reported to be Erin, meet her maker dressed as Janis Joplin? Hey, I’ll help select appropriate background music! This could turn out to be fun! I vote Babe for Patsy Cline! 

Gee – a Gothic mansion filled with youthful tenants. Where have I seen that before? No, not “The Real World!” How about Wyndemere? GH’s Prince Nikolas, then- fiancée Gia, Lucky and Elizabeth, about four or five years ago. Will Aidan miss his easy commute down the stairs? Will Di miss the pleasure of doing it with Aidan while former beau Tad skulks around the office? Will Brooke have a coronary when Jamie moves in with Hoolia? (Or is she going to get whacked by the serial killer instead? Let’s think of a dead-too-young famous person she could portray in death. Mama Cass is definitely out.) Will Maria want her cut of the rent? Whatever, here’s to putting the wild back into Wildwind! 

Simone is getting more airtime dead than alive (though isn’t that always the case when an actor leaves after languishing on the vine?); I hope she at least gets a montage or two. From boinking Greenlee’s dad to “reporting” on the Proteus case, porking Tad and body slamming Ethan, that character was a wild ride. Uh, I mean, had a wild ride. I’ll miss her and her talented portrayer, Terri Ivens. As will Pine Valley. 

“The View” (12/6) had Jeffrey “Zarf” Carlson as a guest, making yet another round on the mainstream media talk circuit. There was special connection for Carlson on this show, however. Rosie O’Donnell had produced a musical, “Taboo,” about the life of Boy George, and Carlson co-starred as Marilyn, a male pop star in England who dressed as Marilyn Monroe (and was rumored to be in a relationship with Boy George). So, in addition to the usual questions and answers about the first transgendering character on daytime (Elisabeth’s queries were dumber than usual), we had a fun trip down memory lane with Jeffrey and Rosie. 

GH

Nanny Interruptus! Leading to Nanny Unemploymentus! Look out, Nik, she has plans for young Spencer. She’s already got Helena trussed up somewhere on the estate (and I’d love to know how she pulled that one off), so she’s a dangerous adversary. More than anyone knows, apparently. 

Milo sure seemed pleased by Sonny’s latest houseguest, Lulu, leading his brother to tell him that some women are off-limits. He should know! 

LINE OF THE WEEK: “You’re just going to drop everything and go help him?” Yes, Carly, and incredibly enough, Jax isn’t talking about Jason! 

I don’t know which makes less sense, Sam going to see Jason at the Metro Court when she knows there’s a tail on her, or Sam wanting to jump bail to help Jason find Spinelli. I’ve been very patient with Sam, giving her chance after chance, but I’m afraid she’s really starting to become annoying. 

Isn’t it amazing how easy it seems to be to get in or out of “Fortress Corinthos?” That sure is some crack security team Sonny’s got protecting his estate. Either they’re all ON crack, or they’re former PCPD staffers. 

Whoever was responsible for dressing Jax in all those gorgeous shades of blue deserves a big raise. YOWZA! 

LINE OF THE WEEK, PART TWO: “No, Alexis, you’re the biggest problem here. You and your little scarf.” Okay, yes, Lainey said the first part and I finished it for her. My bad.