January 26, 2006

It has been so long since I wrote an off topic column!  The days just melt one into another and for the most part, my life is so boring (to anyone but me) right now that there just isn't much to say.  I watch TV, sleep, cook, read and visit with friends.  It has been a quiet winter so far and I am loving it.

There is one story to tell, although it isn't nearly as entertaining as the scarecrow story.  Heh heh heh.

I think anything after the scarecrow ain't nuthin but jumpin the shark.

Knowing he was well and truly bested, Kurt was biding his time through the holidays.  At one point, I went out to take a jacuzzi soak, decked out in my little leopard speedos and my shower shoes, trying to juggle my warm, snuggly, absorbent robe with my warm, snuggly, non-absorbent White Russian.  As I sat down my stuff on the little table and started to pop open the spa cover, I felt a little chill go down my spine.  It wasn't the 40 degree temperature that is "Winter" where I live.  It was a moment of foreboding.

Sure enough, when I flipped over the lid, there was a body floating inside, face down.  I rolled over the body and rolled my eyes.   It was my scarecrow with The Head attached.  Yawn. 

I fished him out and took the next two hours getting all of the straw and dirt out of my Sage Soup Bowl of Bubbling Delight.  *sigh* 

I baked a three layer red velvet cake and took it over to Max and Kurt.  I knew Kurt would think it had the head inside, but it was just a red (snick) herring. 

Maxine got Kurt a boxer puppy for Christmas and he's just a big ol' thang named Brutus who loves me to pieces.  I waited until Kurt let Boxer out into the back yard to pee, then hopped the fence.  I was dressed all in black, commando style, so Kurt wouldn't see me if he came out.  I knew I had only a few minutes to work because they let the dog out to pee then come let him back in shortly after.    I plied Brutus with rawhide chews and lots of cuddles then used some velcro straps to secure the head to Brutus' back (I'd cut holes through the base of the head, then fed the velcro straps through holes and out the other side.  He didn't seem to mind or notice that this thing was riding around on him.  I made sure it was good and snug because even though it was only going to be on there for a few minutes, it would be tragic if he managed to swing it around within biting range and chew the thing (even more) to pieces.  It already has been glued back together after being cut into about 50 pieces, not to mention being recently shot good and proper. 

The Head has been through a lot.

I jumped back over the fence and peeked through a knot hole in the wood just as Kurt came to the door to call the dog back in.  Brutus went galloping toward the door, The Head swaying from side to side unsteadily like a drunken horseman.  Because it was dark out back and Kurt was calling the dog from just inside the lighted dining room, he only had visibility about to the bottom of the back steps, so when the dog went hauling ass up those steps, practically knocking Kurt over in the process, it was quite a sight.  Kurt screamed and I had the presence of mind to wish I'd tied a cape to The Head's neck to go trailing after the dog.

Hindsight and all that.

I sprinted back to my house for the phone call.

So The Head is, for the moment, safely back in Kurt's incapable hands. 

I'll keep you posted!  :)

All the best,


Prior Off-topic Columns

November 15, 2005

August 15, 2005

June 2, 2005

May 19, 2005