Time to settle in for another eight hours of
Oscar. The last few years have found me right here, the morning after,
staring at notes I made while watching…and wishing the column would just
write itself. My notes are always a mess, half words and scribbles and
arrows pointing to other stuff – and it all made sense when I was doing
it. So hang in there with me, this could get interesting!
The red carpet coverage was really, really boring
and not very well done this year. None of the stations I was watching had
any kind of real space for interviews, it was all very chaotic and
apparently it was raining (could Ryan Seacrest whine about that *any*
more?) . There just wasn’t anything interesting going on, which made the
moment Gary Busey appeared all the more significant. In case you live
under a rock, Gary Busey is a loose cannon of the highest proportions – I
mean, we’re talking completely nuts. You could tell that the moment he
appeared Ryan was feeling apprehensive, and it only went downhill from
So yeah, that
was kinda fun. Later one of the other E! hosts asked Ryan what the
history was there, why Gary wanted to “talk to him”…Ryan said that he’s
never met the man before in his life. No idea how Mr. Busey even got in
the place when rumors are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were NOT
invited…?? Bizarre stuff.
Jon Stewart is
opening the show with the usual monologue thing, but this one is pretty
good. He gets a few good laughs and there really aren’t any dead silence
reactions so I’d say he’s doing alright.
comes out to introduce something and my husband stops the whole show to
inform me that while he’s not really into fashion, he likes her dress and
hair. He’s totally serious. Ha. Then when I just kind of smirk at him
and maybe say “yeah, I knew you’d wake up to critiquing designers sooner
or later” he backpedals and says starts with the “No, seriously…I just
thought I’d mention that for once I noticed that a ‘look’ works or
whatever…I didn’t mean anything by it!” Mmm Hmm. This is off to a
I think J.
Garner presented something…I missed it in the fashion exchange. Then
Barbra Streisand appeared on film to tell us how great her acceptance
speech was many years ago. In case we had forgotten.
Clooney looks dashing, as usual. He introduces 80 years of Oscar – a
montage. It’s kind of entertaining.
and Steve Carell do a cute little shtick and then introduce…uh, I think it
might have been Best Animated, because Ratatouille won. I liked that
movie, for a cartoon.
looks gorgeous (though less makeup wouldn’t kill her), she’s here to
introduce something unimportant, but she’s incredibly crazy nervous. I
feel really bad for her.
Amy Adams sings
a song from Enchanted. It’s really boring. And long.
and Catherine Zeta-Jones are on film talking about their Oscar
wins…they’re sweet together. There’s one I thought would never make it at
first, but now that they’re at the twelve year mark or something, I guess
maybe they knew what they were doing. Go figure.
Dwayne Johnson and 90% of the world says “err huh?” but then The Rock
walks out and we roll our eyes at the cute little celeb thinking he can
change his “name”. He looks good though, and it’s appropriate that he’s
introducing the visual effects category. I don’t know what won, but I do
know it is beyond past time to introduce a category of actual interest.
arrives to talk about Art Direczzzzzzz. She looks alright though, for
her. I could live without the superhighway snaking around her neck, but
otherwise, it’s pretty and she’s pregnant so if she’s craving serpentine
fashion accents, who am I to object? Her makeup is beautiful, understated
– Katherine Heigl should take note.
awarded the art direction award to some guy and some lady, and the lady
seriously – SERIOUSLY – looks as if her face has been art directed upon
repeatedly. Scary stuff.
A pair of boobs
brought Jennifer Hudson along and they’re going to announce the supporting
actor winner is Javier Bardem. No big surprise there. Haven’t seen No
Country for Old Men, so I can’t comment. His Spanish is sexy though.
from August Rush this time. Equally as uninteresting as the last.
says that Hal Holbrook was doing the “cabin patch” in the aisle…what’s a
cabin patch? I rewound twice. It was poor Cabbage’s chance to make a
name for itself at the Oscars, and Jon ruined it.
shows up and everyone makes sure to be ultra supportive and loving with
their expressions to help him get through this. He introduces Best Live
Action Short. Something French and about pickpockets wins.
Dear God. I
thought we were done having to suffer ads for Bee Movie! It’s baaack. To
introduce a Bee montage. Seriously. Then it (the bee) introduces Best
Animated Short. The winner hauls ass to the stage from the way cheap
seats, bringing a doll with him. SO not a good sign.
Actress! Winner is Tilda Swinton! That’s a surprise. I thought she was
very good in Michael Clayton, but probably Amy Ryan was better in Gone
Baby Gone. And probably I didn’t see anyone else nominated. Anyway,
after I get past not recognizing Ms. Swinton, and then get past the fact
that she is actually at the Oscars with no makeup on…I feel a little awe
at her bravery. She’s maybe a little odd, but I bet I’d like her if I
knew her. Plus she talks about how the statue resembles her agent, right
down to the ass. Gotta love that.
came out and said some stuff. I wasn’t paying attention.
and Josh Brolin arrive and do famous movie quotes together. It’s somewhat
amusing. They manage to bring Jack Nicholson into it, which is always a
Screenplay – tough category! No Country for Old Men wins.
Some guy, I’m
guessing an Academy suit, is talking about the nomination process – they
play a little clip montage of voters. Again, sort of cute. Oscar is
definitely obsessed with itself on this its eightieth birthday though, I
Miley Cyrus is
here for some reason. (ABC = Disney! Surprised Donald Duck isn’t a
presenter.) She looks good though, and is very poised…again, I guess it
wouldn’t hurt Katharine Heigl to take notes. Oh, she’s introducing
another song from Enchanted. I guess that’s supposed to be the segue.
This song has construction workers in hard hats, tubas, and floral hula
names off the pregnant attendees (Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman and
Jessica Alba) and then says “and the baby goes to…Angelina Jolie!” Ha.
That was pretty good really. I’m enjoying him a lot.
I take a break
to eat icecream. Judging by the entries I’ve missed something in the
visual category. No wait – it’s for sound editing, oops. Bourne
Ultimatum wins (yay!) and the couple accepting it sound like I imagine my
husband and I would if we tried to get up there and thank people. “I want
to thank…what was his name?” “You know, the guy that did the…thing?”
etc. Hilarious. Unintentionally.
Sound Mixing –
Bourne wins again! The winning sound guy’s speech is drowned out by
sound. How apropos.
Wow, Marion Cotillard wins. Who’s she? She was in something with a
French title. She’s cute though, truly excited and shocked.
stumbles in (literally) and tries to blame it on “something” that someone
should take care of…suuuure Colin. We’ll fix that flat floor right up.
Then he talks about how the characters in the movie learned to “point
their sinking ship toward home”. I don’t know though, it seems like
sinking ships should point toward the nearest shore, but who am I to
second guess Colin? He’s way more philosophical than I could ever dream
this one from Once. It sounds like an actual song this time, rather than
something played at a Disney princess tea party. It’s pretty decent.
is onstage! He’s seriously ageless anymore. He said some stuff I guess.
I was busy contemplating his wrinkles or lack thereof.
McSquintock arrives (AKA Renee Zellweger). I can’t stand her. I hate her
hair too, in case she’s wondering.
Film Editing –
Bourne Ultimatum again. The guy thanks like eight people in his family
and their names all start with the “ah” sound. The poor people in that
house have to wait for the second syllable to react, every time.
Nicole Kidman –
She so should’ve cut out the surgery and botox a while ago. She was so
much prettier about 15 pounds ago too. Quote from my husband (the
fashionista): “That’s a hideous necklace man, she looks like a Christmas
tree”. She photographs better than she looks though, when she was
presenting, her face didn’t look nearly as dreamy.
A 98 year old
man (who looks really good for his age, probably without botox – take note
Nicole!) rambles on, and on, and on. No idea who he is or why he’s there,
but I’m sure it’s important and touching.
looks pretty, though the dress has hair growing out of the ass. She
introduces Foreign Language Film.
I have my third
“oh damn” moment when I try to fast-forward and realize I can’t because
I’m all caught up and watching *gasp*, live.
comes out to announce ANOTHER song from Enchanted. Judging by this show,
there is altogether too much (bad) music in Enchanted for me to enjoy it.
falls down while approaching the podium. Apparently maybe there really
*is* a problem with the floor and, like me, the peeps in charge of the
stage just thought Colin was drunk again or something. Hmm. Someone
should fix that! Like Colin said! John Travolta is most definitely
sporting the “newly sprouting chia pet” head. Very weird – it’s like it’s
drawn on or something. Someone should’ve checked Preston’s bag for a
Cameron Diaz looks a little less “I rolled out of
bed in yesterday’s dress and ran all the way here!” than usual. The dress
is wrinkled, and I saw her yanking it up at the boobs several times on the
red carpet, but we wouldn’t recognize her without those things…she
might’ve tried a little this time though, so I’ll give her credit. You
can’t see the wrinkles here, but trust me – they’re there:
There Will Be Blood just won for something. I
Hillary Swank sees dead people. I listen hard to
the clapping as the guests tell us who they are happiest to have dead.
Amy Adams looks nice! She’s talking about sounds
in movies (and I swear, how MANY sound awards are there?) Oh, it’s
for Best Score. Atonement wins. I haven’t seen or heard it, so I can’t
Tom Hanks introduces soldiers in Baghdad who award
the Best Documentary Short. Obviously security must not be very tight
around that category, since the envelope is far from the brief-cased
bodyguards that guard the rest of the winning information. Can’t believe
such sensitive material was just floating around Baghdad!
Before each of the big categories they’re
replaying old clips of past winners, which is kind of nice for a change.
Best Doc Feature – Taxi to the Dark Side.
Harrison Ford (Oh my God I can see the end of my
notes! Seriously! We’re gonna make it!) announcing Best Original
Screenplay. Diablo Cody wins for Juno - I like that. Her dress is
something Pebbles (or maybe Bam Bam?) would wear to the Oscars, but still,
good for her. Plus now she can heft the Oscar statue around all night as
her club, and really be in character.
Um…some scribbles, and apparently I lost focus for
a few minutes there. I’m sure nothing important happened.
Helen Mirren looks gorgeous, for goodness sakes!
Give the other girls a chance already Helen!
She’s there to announce Best Actor. You can’t
really go wrong here. Daniel Day Lewis, Viggo Mortensen, Tommy Lee Jones,
George Clooney, and Johnny Depp. DDL wins, and he bows down to Helen
Mirren onstage, as well we *all* should! He doesn’t cry this time, and
mostly hides his all-kinds of craziness, but I love him!
Anyone noticed that Viggo Mortensen is morphing
into Ed Harris?
I’m not complaining, mind you, but it seems like
someone make sure we need two Ed Harris’ before this goes much further.
Martin Scorsese appears to announce Best Director
– The Coen brothers win. They’re very non-excitable. We do learn that
both of them tug on their ear when nervous.
Denzel Washington, beefy AND bald, presents Best
Picture. No Country wins that as well.
Beginning time 8:30, ending time 11:50. Shew.
All in all, a decent show given that most of the movies weren’t all that
popular. Jon Stewart was really good. I thought the fashion was booo-ring,
and the speeches weren’t much better. Really wish we could’ve seen the
Golden Globes this year – that’s where the actors get to show a little
personality, and I really *love* the actors nominated this year – not a
stuffy personality among them. It would’ve been great fun. I guess I’ll
just have to hope that they’re all busy making great movies for this year,
so we can get a redux!