For the week of January 9, 2006


I loved seeing Binks. I will be sad to see her head back to Paris.


I wanted to throttle Bianca. She cannot head back to Paris soon enough for me.


Ms. Montgomery proves that it is possible to hold two diametrically opposing views of a soap character at the same time.


I loved Binky plotting with Myrtle. Myrtle fills the Mona void in Binky’s life just as she does in Erica’s.  And she does it in her own gypsy-hearted way, too.


I loved the Binky and Miranda scenes. Seeing Binky still besotted with her daughter was wonderful.


I loved seeing Binks dressed as if she truly does live in Paris. She gained a certain panache while she was gone.


And those Kendall and Binky beach scenes? Their sisterly devotion was palpable. (Have you ever noticed how “palpable” always sound sexual even when used in an innocent context such as two sisters walking hand-in-hand on the beach?)


It was when Bianca was on the beach with Babe that those need-to-throttle-now feelings first appeared.  I was calm while Bianca was explaining to Babe about letting go of her anger for herself, not for Babe.  That moment when Bianca said, “oh, there it is, there’s that pain” certainly tugged at the heart. If only that conversational subject had been the sum total of that scene.


But no, the writers could not leave me calm and happy. Nope they had to get my hands itching to throttle. (And I know they did that just to get to me personally. How do I know that? Because just like Erica, I am a deity in my own mind, that’s how.)


It started with Bianca’s response to Babe’s plan to get fully custody of Little Adam. (Perhaps I am stupid but I still do not see why Babe thinks divorcing JR again will get her full custody.) Bianca cautioned Babe that her plan could end in heartbreak. I had no problem with that because all of Babe’s plans end in heartbreak one way or another.


It was when Bianca did not tell Babe, “And in order to spare everyone and because I hold myself as being above deceit, I am going to tell JR about your plan.” Nope Bianca decided to leave well enough alone. I guess Bianca fails to realize that if one, just one, person (Tad, Babe, Krystal, Jamie, Brooke, David, Joe) had told her the truth about Mirabess, she could have been spared a whole world of hurt.


Bianca could have saved Kendall from a whole world of aggravation by advising Babe to sell her Fusion shares to Zach.  However Bianca felt she could not make Babe’s decision for her. I suddenly had a flashback to the hotel room in Florida. Kendall was telling Bianca to not trust Babe. That Babe was bad news. That further involvement with Babe was only going to bring Bianca grief. Bianca responded by basically telling Kendall that if she had to choose between her sister and Babe, she would choose Babe. Bianca would choose Babe over the sister who was willing to go to prison to protect her.


Bianca could have made up for all that by merely telling Babe to take Zach’s offer. The stock sale would have given Babe more than enough money to go into business with Krystal. They could open a holiday-themed truck stop on the interstate. “Let us service you while our mechanics service your truck. Open 24/7!!”


So Bianca do not feel like you have to come back to PV anytime soon. Binks, I hope you have already purchased your return ticket to PV.


And now for this week’s non-sequiturs:


When Janet referred to Babe as being “horrid” I could not help thinking the word should be spelled “whore-id.”


New Beginnings (did you know that Erica has a new show?) is in big trouble if it considers Geraldo Rivera a major interview.  


I was over the moon at the Donald Steel sighting. OK, so it was only Donald Steele’s name on the tabloid cover. Still it gives me hope that someday we will see him again.  And see him still being played by the wonderful Chip Zien.


Ethan and Simone are engaged. While I am delighted with the prospect of seeing more Simone, if Ethan had faxed her the proposal it could not have been more under whelming.  And has he ever told Simone that he loves her? If I missed that scene please let me know. (I am serious about this; if I missed it, let me know so I can be more positive about this union.)


“I am a whiz at cocktails.” I think Myrtle is a whiz at everything. I adore her scenes with Zach.  I hope there is an upcoming scene where Myrtle tells Erica she has Zach all wrong.


“You tripped on your Freudian slip.”  Di knows how to handle Tad. She doesn’t let him get away with anything. More than that, she is funnier than he is, which must drive him nuts.


The nod to Janet and Erica’s history was welcome on a show where history is so often ignored. The burying of Dr. Kinder was one of my favorite AMC scenes ever. I think they should take up their old hobby once again. They can start by burying Josh. Or Ryan. Or Jamie. Or Jonathan. Or the AMC writers themselves.


The humorous revenge seeking Janet is great, but I enjoyed the scenes with Erica in the warehouse even more. Seeing Janet struggle to behave normally was touching as well as scary. It was that scene that helped me realize why I have softened towards Amanda. When the current Amanda first appeared every word out of her mouth was a lie. That made it easy to believe she was also lying about Janet’s current mental state. Janet’s return proved that Amanda was telling the truth. The way Amanda thinks is much more understandable now, especially her fear that she inherited the “crazy gene” from her mother. My mother was schizophrenic and that underlying fear never goes away. Yes, my sympathy towards Amanda partially stems from my personal experiences, but don’t we all sometimes react to what’s on the screen based on something that resonates within our own lives?


Anyone else find it a little unsettling when Janet said, “Trevor wasn’t as clever as he thought he was.” ?


“It’s better that you keep a low profile.” If only Ryan would follow the advice he gave to Jonathan.


When Ryan and Krystal were haranguing Adam it was clear to me they would make a good couple. Yes, I loathe Ryan that much. Krystal, too.


“I love you and not even you can scare me away.” Finally there is a man who not only loves Kendall, but understands her, too.


I love Kendall, too, if only for this exchange:


JR: “You’re never going to forgive Babe for what she did to Bianca, are you?”


Kendall: “Not a chance in Hell.”


I could not have said it better myself.


So Greg had a file on the Martins. And he looked like he was going to vomit when Josh said that Erica was not some kind of immaculate mother. Popular opinion, not spoiler, has Josh being the result of Greg implanting Erica’s aborted child into his wife. Josh’s biological mother would be Erica and his biological father would be Jeff Martin. Setting even more scientific logic aside, wouldn’t it be more interesting if Greg had harvested Erica’s eggs and fertilized them with the missing Bobby Martin’s “sample”?  Bobby Martin could then return to PV as a truly angry adult. After all, the Martins failed to notice that Bobby never came home from camp. Talk about having issues with your parents!


I like Bruno. That’s who Opal should be dating, not Del. If Opal doesn’t want him, I’ll take Bruno. With whipped cream on top.


A million visions went through my head when Kendall asked Zach, “What kind of moon do you want to show?” None of them had to do with the sky.


Will this week’s spoilers have happy visions dancing in our heads or not? Let’s see:


This week in the Land of the Laverys:


Ryan is shocked to learn that Kendall and Zach are in love.


How dare Kendall love someone besides Ryan? After all Ryan treated her like fairly new gum on the bottom of his shoe.


Kendall starts to think that Zach is trying to turn her against Ryan.


Ryan’s behavior should have turned Kendall against him a long time ago, but since it didn’t: GO ZACH!


Ryan advises Kendall that being involved with Zach is a bad idea.


Kendall should listen to Ryan because as we know, Ryan always has Kendall’s best interests at heart.


Ryan tells Erin why he won’t leave Pine Valley and Kendall.


“Because it drives Zach crazy, that’s why!”


Erin explains to Aiden why she doesn’t date.


“Because I have this albatross tied named Jonathan tied around my neck. Oh, no, wait! That’s not what I meant to say. I meant to say it’s because nothing, not even Spotted Dick, makes me happier than taking care of Jonathan.”


During their Life Skills class, Jonathan and Lily discuss sex.


Does Jackson know sex is part of the curriculum? Does Jack even know Lily is taking this class?


After class Jonathan asks Lily to be his girlfriend.


Oh, L—Lily if you say y-y-yes, I would sl—ap you. I-I-I mean I would be happy. I would shove—I mean—l-l-love yo—u forever.”


Oh look, there’s a Lavery conveniently plot-pointed over at the lake:


Jonathan jumps into the freezing lake and saves a drowning Di.


Too bad this did not happen during the summer months. Then we could have seen Jonathan walking on the water towards Di and extending her a hand.


Janet tries to convince Jonathan that he was the one who pushed Di into the lake.


If she succeeds, I will nominate Janet to be the next Patron Saint of Pine Valley.


Di is rushed to the hospital.


Di is delirious and cannot shut up about Dixie.


“And then Dixie told me that David was much better in bed than Tad. And then later she told me that Tad could not even spell cunning linguist let alone be a better one than Adam. And she is only pretending to be dead so she doesn’t ever have to make that damned Martin coffee cake again. And she is not a natural blonde, not that Tad ever bothered to check it out.”


Tad climbs into Di’s hospital bed in an effort to warm her up. Greg sees them and fires Di.


Because he wants to be in bed with Tad?  After all, Greg is obsessed with the Martins.


Kendall is afraid she is losing the baby.


And I am afraid she is not.


Zach sees the closeness between Kendall and Ryan.


I would be more than happy to comfort Zach and soothe his pain, as well as other things.


Greg is truly Madden-ing when he tells Zach and Kendall they cannot have sex for the duration of her pregnancy.


How much did Ryan and/or Erica pay Greg to give this ridiculous advice?


The truly Madden-ing plot thickens:


Erica remembers that Greg was the doctor who performed her abortion.


This could be worse. Greg could have been the doctor who performed Brooke’s abortion, then she would be saddled with Josh as a son. 


Erica tells Jack and Tad about her connection to Greg.


Jack and Erica ponder what this means. Tad tells them he will have answers for them soon. Not because he is a great detective but because it is only a few weeks until February sweeps.


Her discovery isn’t the only distressing thing that happens to Erica this week. Erica is still angry with Bianca for helping Zach and Kendall get together. Her anger makes her goodbye to Bianca difficult.


All I can say is, “Bianca, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Binks, must you go so soon?”


Other stuff happens, too:


Opal disappears.


And they expect anyone in Pine Valley to notice?


Julia and David encounter each other at SOS. Julia has a good time but refuses to accept a real date with David.


The girl’s an idiot.


Later Julia defends Jonathan to David.


Further proof that Julia is an idiot.


JR wants to protect Little Adam by taking him to Europe. Babe insists that she go with them.


This scenario could work for me. Imagine Babe opening a Paris branch for Fusion. Now imagine her office right next to Bianca’s. How long before Bianca was offering to double Zach’s offer for Babe’s shares?


Krystal and Palmer rejoice after Adam is placed in the psychiatric ward.


This storyline is making me hate Palmer. And not in the good love to hate way, either.


Ethan finally buys Simone an engagement ring.


The fact that he had QVC rush it over night certainly shows how much he cares for Simone.


Ethan asks Ryan to join Cambias Industries.


I wonder if Ethan will regret that decision when Ryan’s first memo declares that “Every day is Clown Nose Day at Cambias!”


Here’s to another week in the Valley!




Please note:  If you have missed any of Kate's wonderful columns, they are now available in her archives.  Please see the link below to access her past work.



Kate's Archives For This Column Through 2006

Jan 2, 2006

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A Cynic Soaps Up - AMC and OLTL

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