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November 8, 2006 Everything I Needed to Know About Dating, I Learned from The Soaps I have a friend
who’s going to be single again. She’s worried she’ll end up alone since
she’s not dated in forever. Of course, being the great friend I am, I
offered up my totally unsolicited opinion and told her she’d have no
problem getting any dates. I explained that even though I’m not currently
dating, I’ve had a lifetime of tips and hints from a plethora of
experienced people. Soap characters. The tips and hints I gave her were
so great; I thought I’d pass them along to all of you. If you want to go on a date with a guy, wear a whore blouse If that doesn’t work put drugs in his drink If you want to go on a date with a guy who’s already got a girlfriend, start a fight and make sure she ends up in a pond If you want to go on a date with a guy who’s married, enlist a male friend to flirt with his wife, then make her look bad and go in for the kill To get a date, pretend to be interested in something he is and be instantaneously good at it If you want to go on a date with a guy, have plastic surgery so you look like his dead wife/girlfriend/mother/sister If you want to go on a date with a guy, get pregnant by another one If you want to go on a date with a guy, hit on him when his guard is down during a major catastrophe If you want to go on a date with a guy, pretend to like his worst enemy If you want to go on a date with a guy, get married If you want to go on a date with a guy, roll around on a pool table, preferably naked If you want to go on a date with a guy, pretend to be blind If you want to go on a date with a guy, skinny dip at your local beach If you want to go on a date with a guy, save his life If you want to go on a date with a guy, pretend to be someone else If you want to go on a date with a guy, stalk him If you want to go on a date with a guy, lock him up in a deserted cabin If you want to go on a date with a guy, have your alter personality do it If you want to go on a date with a guy, steal his car If you want to go on a date with a guy, move in with him If you want to go on a date with a guy, run him over with the car you never drive If you want to go on a date with a guy, stand on a dock If you want to go on a date with a guy, give him a job If you want to go on a date with a guy, get really drunk and pretend he’s someone else If you want to go on a date with a guy, tell him his wife’s cheating on him If you want to go on a date with a guy, hold him at gunpoint If you want to go on a date with a guy, fake your own death If you want to go on a date with a guy, fake your own kidnapping If that doesn’t work, have someone else kidnap you If you want to go on a date with a guy, show up at his door at night and look longingly into his eyes If you want to go on a date with a guy, get him drunk and pretend you’re his current girlfriend If you want to go on a date with a guy, sleep with his son If you want to go on a date with a guy, sleep with his father If you want to go on a date with a guy, tell him you’re just in it for the sex If you want to go on a date with a guy, let him find you in bed with another woman If you want to go on a date with a guy, nail him into a coffin If you want to go on a date with a guy, don’t rat him out to the Feds If you want to go on a date with a guy, wear lots of make up and always be in stilettos If you want to go on a date with a guy, wear sexy lingerie If you want to go on a date with a guy, tell him you hate him If you want to go on a date with a guy, throw a drink on him If you want to go on a date with a guy, annoy the crap out of him If you want to go on a date with a guy, be the town slut Hey, it’s
worked for Babe, Natalie and Carly, it should work for us, right?
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