April 20, 2006

I have had many, many long, sleepless nights lately.  Lying awake with my mind wandering, I usually write the most amazing columns.  Or at least they seem amazing at 2 AM.  I’m witty, insightful, and intelligent.  I then wake up and eventually sit with my laptop to write what I thought up the night before but it’s not there.  It’s completely vanished from my head and I can’t find even an ounce of it.  So much for creativity!  Apparently I have it only while experiencing serious insomnia!  

My sleepless nights are not without reason, nor is my inability to write anything remotely humorous, sarcastic or even slightly funny. The past few weeks have been extremely stressful, filled with intense emotions, so much emotion in fact, I’ve often felt physically sick.  

We moved into our ‘new’ house in July of 2004.  Shortly thereafter my elderly mother moved in with us.  It was planned. She’d been in assisted living and hated it. She’s had a stroke which has left her unable to do a good portion of the things she used to do and living on her own hasn’t really been an option.  I was happy to have my mom with me. She’s done so much for me, I felt like it was my turn to do for her.  In the beginning it went well but as time went by, things got increasingly worse. 

My mother decided her life was basically over. Instead of being the social butterfly she once was, she sat her butt on my family room couched and watched TV all day.  The game show network.  Judge Judy and such.  ALL DAY.  Eventually it took a toll on all of us.  She became very depressed and started lecturing and disciplining our kids, which was stated as something specifically not to happen.  You can probably imagine how things got.  After a bit of time, she decided my oldest (she’s 14) had an attitude.  HELLO!  What 14 year old DOESN’T have some sort of attitude?  The problem was, my mother took it personally. The final straw was a few weeks ago when she decided my daughter gave her a nasty look.  She went off on her, in front of my daughter’s friend, no less.  I’d finally had enough and lost it. The fight escalated and I told her she needed to move out.  I’d been thinking this for quite some time, even started looking at assisted living places in the area.  She got all huffy, started packing her stuff and ended up making it all worse. I finally called my brother and made him come and get her. She’s been there ever since.  

I feel terrible about the whole thing. I feel as though I’ve failed my mother, I’ve let her down.  But I know this woman and I know that she is never going to change, nor will she ever give my daughter the benefit of the doubt.  My mother, God love her, needs to be away from kids and around people her own age.  We’ve been looking at places for her to move into in July, when she’s back from her various trips I’m forcing her to go on. There’s a lot more to the story but it’s still too much for me to deal with and I’d rather process it all within before I give anymore of it out.  

Then we’ve got the infamous biological mother thing to deal with.  Thankfully my husband finally agreed with me and took a stand.  The bounced checks, the broken promises, the no-shows for visitation…we’ve finally set the record straight.  She recently wrote us a large check and of course it wouldn’t cash.  We wrote a letter stating that she could no longer give us checks and that my husband was going to follow the terms of the divorce agreement; she has supervised visitation at his discretion.  And his discretion means she has to pay us what she owes monthly, in full prior to seeing the girls.  This doesn’t mean she comes the day of her scheduled weekend with the cash.   Usually she says she’s going to do that but conveniently forgets her checkbook. The letter also stated my husband isn’t willing to schedule any holiday or vacation time for her to be with them.  She was supposed to have them over Thanksgiving and didn’t even bother to call.  She received this letter last Saturday and has yet to call.  No call on Easter, no call on any other day.  This is her weekend with the girls and they’ve made plans.  They didn’t know we’d written the letter and still, they made plans.   Her importance in their lives is quite obvious.  

There’s no reason she should be late paying us. We’ve given her every opportunity to handle things appropriately.  My husband cut her required child support to one third of what the court decided.  We’ve accepted late payments and partial payments.  She lives with her mother and makes approximately $40,000 a year.  She is only supporting one person so there’s no reason she can’t afford the limited amount of money required.  Of course it’s got to be hard to afford all of that designer make up and such.  I guess those things are more important than her children.  My husband and I have bets about when she’ll call, if she even does.  We certainly don’t expect any more money from her!   

I’ve been successfully working on my weight issue. I’ve been working on it (unsuccessfully) for about a year now.  Recently my husband informed me he’s taking me away for 5 days to an all-inclusive resort far, far away.  Far away from my mother, my husband’s ex-wife and the kids.  That sure kicked the motivation into high gear!  I started really counting my calories instead of lying to myself and honestly I was shocked at what I’d been eating.  No wonder all that working out did no good. It takes 3500 calories to make a pound.   It takes 3500 calories to lose a pound.  I was doing much more making of the poundage than losing.  It’s been about three weeks now and I’ve lost nine pounds.  My goal for this trip was 13 pounds but I won’t make it.  That’s okay. I knew it would be hard and I know I’ve changed my body because I’ve found my muscles again.  My bathing suit fits and so do my pants.  I won’t feel totally obsessed about my weight on our trip.  We head out late next week.  When we come back I’ll continue with my reduced calorie plan and continue the exercise. I’d gotten out of the groove for a while and now I’m really enjoying exercising again. As a matter of fact, today was one of the non-sleeping days so at 6 AM I was up and at the club spinning my fat away. Exercising feels good again. Maybe because of the stress I’ve been feeling or maybe because I’m back in the groove.  Either way, it feels good, which makes it so much easier!  

With all the things that have been going on I haven’t really watched much of the soaps.  I’ve tried. I DVR them daily.  I sit down with my remote and usually fast-forward through most of each show.  That’s not true. I don’t even watch OLTL.  I’m tired of Todd, Blair, Spencer, Antonio…most everyone on the show.  Give me some Rex, Tess and Nash and I’m good to go.  Oh, did I mention I’m even more tired of John and Natalie?  I’m starting to feel the Sonny thing happening here. I just don’t like it.  

I do watch parts of AMC.  Parts that don’t include Erica, Jack, Josh, Julia, Dr. Madden, Erin, Jonathan, Krystal and Ryan.  I do watch these characters if they’re interacting with someone I like, but usually I fast forward through those parts too.  I’m just tired of the whole baby story.  Isn’t it true, legally speaking that Kendall can’t put her baby up for adoption if the father is against it? I don’t know.  I assume it’s true which makes this story even more ludicrous.  Simply put, I’m over it.  The Dixie story is getting interesting and that’s kept me watching when I might not have.  

The break up of the longest lasting super couple on GH intrigues me.  Watching Sonny belt Jason was a thrill, though honestly I’d much rather have seen the reverse.  Robert’s back and I’ve got him for a year so that’s a big plus! I love Skye and Lorenzo together and I like the potential new couples the show seems to be creating.  I still forward, but usually through the Emily and Sonny stuff and sometimes through Lucky but only because I think the storyline is stupid. I love Lucky. Actually, I love Greg Vaughan.  I just hate the story. Imagine that.  His name should be Un-Lucky. If  I were Liz, I’d be carrying a dozen rabbit’s feet everywhere I go!  

I’m hoping things will settle for me emotionally and I’ll feel back to normal soon. I’ve read several books in the past few weeks, which means I’m retreating.  This is what I do when I feel emotionally overwhelmed.  This trip to Mexico should really do a lot for me and I’m excited to have the alone time with my husband.  When I return I’ll have tons of pictures to share!  Have a great few weeks!