Aug 5, 2006 

I have an attractive husband.  And I’m not saying this because I’m biased or because of that love is blind theory either.  I’m saying it because it’s just an obvious fact.  Women; single, married, divorced, widowed, separated, nuns even, flirt with my husband.  Everywhere.  Starbuck’s, my kids sporting events, church.  No place is off limits when it comes to flirting with my husband.  It used to bother me.  There used to be this tiny little place inside me that wanted to burst out and kick the living daylights out of these good for nothing tramps, (oh, my…sorry!) but not anymore.  I’ve grown up and gotten over that after a few years of marriage.   

I’m not afraid my husband is going to be unfaithful.  He happens to highly appreciate his  nuggets and does not take kindly to my promise to hang them from my rearview mirror if he were to stray.  He wants to keep them firmly attached, therefore he stays firmly committed.  It seems to work for us.   

It’s actually kind of fun having an attractive husband.  Who by the way, just seems to get better looking with age.  Me, I get saggy and wrinkly and fat.  He gets ‘seasoned and adds character.”  I call character man-boobs, but really, what do I know?  I like that he’s attractive because I’m a bitch and when his looks are noticed, I the bitch is allowed to come out.   Really.  (Like you hadn’t already figured that out!)  I happen to quite enjoy playing the ‘he’s mine, leave him the  hell alone’ card when I catch some woman in mid-flirt.  Usually we’re at Target or Starbuck’s or sometimes even out for a nice dinner with friends.  Recently while at Target, he meandered his way to the Starbuck’s inside the store (because every woman needs caffeine and chocolate when they take their kids shopping) as I paid for our stuff.  I had a fairly decent view of the coffee area and giggled at the events before me.  He walked in, ordered his coffee and waited.   Within a nano-second some chick was up in his face, smiling and batting her eyelashes.  I know she was batting her eyelashes because I have excellent eyesight, thank you very much.  I’m thisclose to 40 and don’t wear glasses so I’m thinking my eyesight is still top notch.  

After I paid for our things, I casually walked over to the counter, stood by him, put my arms around his waist (still ever so slim and toned, mind you) and nibbled his ear sticking out from under his baseball cap.  He knew what I was doing but didn’t see me give my best bitch look at the tramp.  That’s out little secret.  She quickly turned the other way and focused with all of her might on her coffee.  I teased him for flirting and he swore up and down he wasn’t.  And oddly, I think he truly believes that.  

What my husband doesn’t understand is you can’t be that attractive and speak to women without it being considered flirting.  Even saying, “excuse me” when he farts is flirting if he’s hot and standing within 100 feet from a woman.  Some women are desperate, they’ll  take whatever flirting they can get.  Casual conversation to him is something a woman over analyzes and it suddenly becomes, “He’s going to ask me out.  We’ve hit it off and he’s going to leave his wife and  marry me.  I’ll have a perfect life with a totally hot husband.”  Um, not gonna happen ladies, so just step aside. (Before I push you!) 

Actually, I’m not as stupid as I’d like my husband to think I am.  He plays innocent and thinks I’m blind to his dishonesty.  I know he knows he’s flirting.  He’s human.  He likes the attention.  Who wouldn’t?  Take me for example.  John J. York flirts with me and though I know there’s no way in Hell anything would ever happen, I enjoy every second of it.  See, I’m even a victim of the “hot man flirting with a woman” thing.  We all fall victim to it at one time or another.   I just happen to be one of the lucky ones who get to go home to a hot husband every night. (When he’s not out of town flirting with clients, that is.)  So there’s no need for me to take the “we’ll live happily ever after route”.  I can flirt knowing I can go home and flirt with someone who’s a sure thing.  Talk about being lucky!   

I’ve been thinking a lot about this flirting thing and why so many men seem to stray.  Good looking or not.  And I’ve come to a conclusion.   It’s not that we’ve grown complacent, let ourselves go or stopped making marriage our priority.  It’s the lack of blow jobs.  You think I’m kidding here, but trust me, I’m not.  A little oral sex (and it doesn’t have to ‘come’ to fruition, just a little teaser every now and then) and you’re in like Flynn.  (Who is this Flynn person anyway and if he’s a guy than that’s really kind of sick, don’t you think?)  

This is not a secret I plan to share with just anyone, hence the reason it’s on EOS, where just the chosen few have reading rights.  This is something I think most women would read and think, (possibly out loud, with disgust in their voices, “EW!  Gross!  I got married to STOP doing that!”) But really, just a bit of the action and that man is going to be eating out of your, eh…hands.  He will then live by the “If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy” theory and your life will be much happier.  And you’ll be like me; caring less and less about the tramps at Target flirting with your husband because you know when you get home, he’ll be worshipping the ground you walk on (or perhaps the bed you sleep in) and really, is there anything better than that?