Sept 11, 2006 

I’m turning forty in two months and 6 hours and 50 minutes. Not that I’m watching the clock or anything. I’m dreading this birthday. As a matter of fact, a lover of parties, I’ve threatened my husband with bodily harm if he surprises me with one this year. I haven’t much felt like celebrating this birthday.

Statistics show I am halfway through my life. Excuse me but I’d like to hit the rewind button please. No, I don’t really have any regrets. The decisions I’ve made in my life have shaped me into the person I am today. They’ve brought me to this place, lying on my chair in the family room with my amazing husband babbling to his brother on the phone near me. I’m happy with this life.

It’s just all gone so fast and the impending losses I’ll experience are weighing heavily on my mind. If I’m halfway through my life that means my parents are nearing the end of theirs. I’ve started to think about what my life will be like without them. Honestly, I’m not sure how I’ll live though it. I know I will. I know I’m incredibly strong. I’ve endured things beyond the scope of some imaginations. I just can’t imagine how things will be without them.

Time will not only take my parents, but its taken things from me that I want back. I can’t really put a finger on it yet, but something’s just not right with me. Whatever it is has truly begun to take its toll over the last year and has weighed so heavily on my soul it’s now wreaking havoc on my health. I feel like crap. All the time. I’m exhausted and have stopped sleeping. I go to bed and my mind races. About nothing. My chest feels as though it’s going to explode and breathing is labored and painful. I have headaches, muscle aches and hand cramps. My body is trying to tell me something but I can’t quite figure out what it is.

Katrina, knower of all I don’t know (and a lot of stuff I do know, too!) and I talked about the effect our lives have on our bodies and how our problems, issues and unsettled stuff in general manifest themselves into aches and pains and even diseases. A few years ago I would have thought that was a bunch of new age, naturalistic BS (sorry, Katrina…I’m a lot less closed minded now!) but now I completely believe it’s true. What we do plays a big part in what we are. I’ve been trying to figure out my ‘life’s purpose’ for a few years now, feeling frustrated, bored, anxious and unsettled. There’s something more out there for me. It’s this close. I can almost see it but it’s still a bit blurry. I’ve felt as though I’m not going to be ‘whole’ until I figure out this purpose stuff and start living it. It’s a constant struggle for me emotionally and now physically too.

I’m not going to let forty be the way the past two years have been. Forty is going to be a good year.

I bought a book Katrina recommended to me. It’s not come yet but the cards I ordered to go with it have. The theme behind these cards is to connect your inner-self with your outer-self and see what you’re dealing with and should be doing. The directions said to not be surprised if there was a theme to these cards. So I decided to give them a try today. I shuffled and shuffled and shuffled some more. Then a few more times just to be sure. I grabbed cards from all over the deck and placed them in a straight line. While shuffling I focused and sought guidance from people I love who’ve passed. I turned the cards over and yes, there was a theme. There was a big-ass theme staring me right in the face. I laughed, because honestly, it was pitiful. It wasn’t anything new but I’ve used my ‘life’s purpose’ search as an excuse to not acknowledge what these cards were meant to remind me of.

In a nutshell, my card spread was a typical Nike commercial. “Just do it”. Okay, so there’s a little more to it than that. The cards told me I’m not perfect so stop thinking “If I only…” that would make me perfect. They told me that I already know what I want and what I should do but I’m not doing it. Just do it.

It was like a slap in the face. I’ve had so many excuses for so many things for so long now I don’t think I’ve accomplished much of anything in the past two years. But forty is going to be different for me. Frankly, I’m tired of feeling like crap. I’m tired of dreading getting old and I’m tired of feeling incomplete, unfinished. Maybe I’ll never be finished but I feel as though I’ve stopped the whole completion process, I’m stagnant. I’ve used everyone and everything as an excuse to stop. Just stop me. So I’m going to start me again. I’m going to work through the chest pain, breathe deeper even though it hurts. Run faster (actually, run at all!) even though I think I can’t make it another step. Stop comparing myself to everyone who’s thinner, smarter, wiser…better. I mean, come on, everyone’s got their own problems. They’re just not wearing them on their sleeves like me.

For me, turning forty means:

F----ocusing

O---n

R---ealizing

T---he

Y---eses

Yes, I am good enough. Yes, I can finish my first best seller. Yes, I can take time for me. Yes, I can feel good about myself. Yes, I can get through the tough stuff. Yes, I can enjoy getting older and all of the new things it brings.

I’m setting some goals for myself. I’m not necessarily going to be selfish, but I am going to focus more on me. And I feel good about this. I feel like it’s time. It’s time to follow through with the things I’ve stopped or have been too afraid to start. Statistics say I’ve got forty years to get it right. I know how quickly time zips by, so I’d better start now.