December 19, 2005

“You know, there isn't -- there isn't any real proof that this hammock thing ever happened. I mean, she's been spinning out of control lately.”  Seriously, anyone who thinks that Ryan and Kendall should get back together needs to study lines like this.  The lengths Kendall went to trying to satisfy his obsessive wife - a task that even he couldn’t deal with and so he faked his death - and he is accusing her of spinning out of control?  The more I see Ryan these days, the more profane I get.  I’m really holding it in here.

The contrast between Zach and Ryan could not have been more apparent on Friday, and I think it was deliberate.  Kendall kept asking Ryan to leave, and he wouldn’t.  She asks Zach to leave, and he does!  Zach told her over and over that he trusts her judgement and believes in her – whatever she tells him, he will accept and respect.  Meanwhile, Ryan mistrusted Kendall’s assertions as to why she did what she did about the insemination, doubted her story about the hammock, and refused to believe she wasn’t being taken in by Zach.  He said her brains were scrambled!  Ryan is so hypocritical.  He tells Zach that what is between him and Kendall is none of Zach’s business, yet he has no problem getting in Zach and Kendall’s business.  What. a. tool.  

On to Lavery number two…Jonboy.  Jonathan and Lily are really being worked as two people sweetly bonding as either friends or something more. Out of context, their scenes are really sweet - especially when Jonathan was talking about the Christmas lights, and how he would only get blue and white ones, for Lily's sake - her expression was adorable. The problem is that I can't take them out of context. I can't forget what Jonathan has done. I can't forget how insufferable the Laverys have been. And I can't forget the fact that Lily is still underage - the very reason her great chemistry with Aidan couldn't go anywhere.  

It is actually very similar to the way I felt about Ryan and Greenlee. I was so upset over how they screwed over Kendall, that I could never get into Rylee. And they truly had some very sweet scenes together. At times they were quite charming. But their abhorrent behavior towards Kendall made it impossible for me to get on board with them. Too much [poo] under the bridge.  

Now Stuart has officially given Jonboy his seal of approval! We can all sleep at night. 

That was very sweet of Jonboy to show Lily that she can know where she is in the mall by locating the “You are Here” sticker on the map.  It might have been a very helpful tool if Jonboy hadn’t been walking through the mall with the sign.  It was also very sweet of Jonboy to offer to shop for Lily so she could escape the stress of the mall.  What I don’t get is why she doesn’t just shop online. 

Lastly, we have Erin, who seems destined to suck the life out of Aidan.  He is too adorable to be paired with someone so sanctimonious. I liked Erin at first, and I like the actress who plays her. But over time, Erin is quickly becoming a Bore.  

Okay, I need to cleanse my mind of all things Lavery with some lovely Zen vignettes: 

I thought it was sweet that Kendall apparently confided in Zach about her situation with Babe, and that he wanted to be able to help her with it. A very couple-ish sort of thing to do for two people on their way to divorcing each other.  But that seemed par for the course this week.  

Zach needs to have sexier dreams. Don't get me wrong, I love any and all Zyrtle scenes. But Kendall had two dreams and both involved making out. Of course, I guess if we were privy to Zach's dreams, they might not have been fit for daytime television.  

Zach and Kendall were reminiscing about the summer! And I loved that Zach arranged for fireworks. "What's a divorce without fireworks." It was during the Fourth of July fireworks that Zach gave Kendall The Look for the first time.  

During dinner, Kendall was wearing a bib, while Zach was not. Probably because Zach wouldn't be caught dead in a bib and he’d be confident, anyway, of his lobster slaying abilities. Meanwhile, Kendall probably wore the bib because she’d be damned if she got lobster guts on her couture dress. "Find the sweet spot and squeeze ever so gently." Zach was amazed to see Kendall smiling, but heck, he hasn't smiled much lately either. I think these scenes were more TK and Alicia than they were Zach and Kendall. It was certainly a breath of fresh air.  

Kendall getting the boulder out of Zach’s eye was very sweet, especially his words about how they can’t divorce now because he’s going to be blind.  Yet it drove me crazy that she was practically three feet away, stretching her arms out to examine his eye.  Who does that?  If you are going to examine someone’s eye, you do it up close.  Real close.     

I was very disappointed when Zach was back in the suit come morning.  Sigh, the casual wear made too brief an appearance.  Even if the cardigan did scream “Mr. Rogers,” he was the sexiest Mr. Rogers, evah! 

I laughed my tuckus off when Kendall was trying to berate Zach and said “You don’t bring me flowers anymore,” and Zach responded, “You don’t write me love songs.”  What made it even sweeter was knowing that TK adlibbed his line (I have my sources). 

When Kendall indicated that she would end up as the devil’s roommate, Zach said, “He's going to have to fight for you.”  I could see Zach Slater taking on the Devil.  Maybe not in the same way as Charlie Daniels in “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” but with the same result.    

Zach apparently isn’t concerned about his dark image, because when Kendall asked if he threatened Ryan’s life, he said, “Mmm hmmm.”   

During the four and a half years that I have been watching the soaps and have seen jewelry hawked on Shop the Soaps, I have never been tempted to buy any of the items.  I would actually buy the dragonfly pin, if it was available.  Its not just because I am a total Zen fanwank.  The pin also happens to fit my sense of style.  Bonus! 

Adam and JR did some more bonding this week.  “Your wife -- your ex-wife -- is throwing herself at you. It's a family hazard, I'm afraid.”   “What is it with these Carey women? Why do they got to be so nice sometimes? I hate nice.”  Adam really called it with Babe - he figured out that Babe wants to marry JR and then divorce him and get custody of Little A. I bet Krystal wasn't thrilled to hear that, which was why she started the truck stop party.  I really can’t believe that Adam’s one try at retaliation was to call in the goon squad.  And Krystal didn’t just get his goat once, she got it twice.  At least Palmer had some fun. 

I canNOT believe Winifred was hanging out in that outfit the whole week. She should get hazard pay. And the way Krystal kept encouraging that guy to go after Winnie. It didn't seem like matchmaking so much as pimping.  Just call her Madam Krystal.  

If it weren't for the fact that Kendall's two dresses and Krystal's dress were three different types of fabric, I would have wondered if they all came from the same bolt - the shade of green was an exact match. The green dress looked awful on Krystal, that is not her color. The brown dress she wore the next day was much more flattering.  Meanwhile, Babe’s black dress on Thursday and Friday - UGH.  It always amazes me when someone good looking with a great body wears something so fugly.  Maybe staring at her mother’s white shirt/black lace corset horror triggered the bad taste gene in her. 

The writing was on the wall that there would be some Fusion problem, and that Babe would save the day. What I didn't predict was how cleverly she would manipulate the situation so that Simone kept the illusion of being in charge.  But then again, Babe is a masterful manipulator.  And her favorite targets are men.  Babe just loves wrapping men (in this week’s case, the possibly homicidal Josh) around her little finger in order to get what she wants.  She isn’t even very subtle about it.  What a little tease. 

When Josh imagined his smiling face in place of Erica’s on the New Beginnings poster, his vampire-like teeth suddenly became quite apparent.  Ever since that scene, every time Josh smiles, my blood runs cold.  The Tom Cruise similarity has now taken on an Interview With A Vampire twist. 

Why don’t Josh and Jamie whip out their stethoscopes and measure them, already?  I bet Amanda was eating it up.  Jamie continues to be insufferable about his chosen career path.  He’s a med student, and yet he still thinks he’s better than a man who actually became a doctor.  He definitely has the Martin genes. 

Di isn’t a jokester, and doesn’t act very sly or sarcastic.  So when she sets someone up, she does a good job of it, cause you never see it coming.  “I found a note on Madden's desk. It seemed like some sort of code. See -- see what you can make of it.”  Tad reads it:  "Adtay artinmay is an erkjay."  

Loved Simone’s line, “Well, the only thing worse than an ultimatum is an open-ended ultimatum.” 

 And Erica’s line.  “Babe Carey, an equal in Fusion? I mean, I can hardly say the words out loud without swallowing my tongue.” 

On a more sour note, Erica’s prayer to God on Friday inspired the following cartoon: 

In case you can’t see it very well – God is about to hit the SMITE button. 

Day player line of the week, “If you don't believe in Santa, don't wreck it for my kid!” 

Alfred sighting!  Poor Alfred, talk about a public relations nightmare.  He’s got a very rich customer freaking out about Santa in front of dozens of kids, and the rich customer has a valid point because Santa is a psycho.   

It was heaven to see Bianca’s beautiful smile, to see her in a scene with Myrtle, to see Mimo running around!  She was even disrupting the scene, but  they made it through great.  And the icing on the cake?  Myrtle’s plan to enlist Bianca’s help with Zach and Kendall.   I really, really, really hope I get a Zimo scene.  If Bianca leaves and there hasn’t been a Zimo scene, don’t expect to see my column again because I will have died of a broken heart.

Thanks for reading.  Cheers!