May 30, 2006

I love soap magazines, can’t get enough of them.  It doesn’t matter if I know what is going to be on the inside already.  I just have to buy them!  Silly I know, but I scan the mags quickly for stories about my faves,  pictures from events and candid comments from the actors.  One of my favorite bits however, are the “what you need to know to watch” segments.  I watch GH.  I know GH.  But  reading what the magazines ‘think’ I need to know in order to watch and enjoy GH is hysterical.   

Soap Opera Digest really had me going this week with it’s “Essential Compendium” – don’t you love that word?  for watching GH.  A big Thank You to them for inspiring me to knock out a few additions of my own to enhance their glorious commentary. 

Non-italicized comments are courtesy of Soap Opera Digest, June 6, 2006.

Who’s Who in Port Charles!! 

Diego Alcazar:  Lorenzo’s troublemaking son is sweet on Georgie.

He apparently has several positive personality traits that are visible only to Georgie.  Hotheaded, reckless – kind of dumb, but I hear he can really dance. 

Lorenzo Alcazar:          Sonny’s mob rival is trying to turn his life around for Skye and their baby.

Of course, he also tried to turn his life around for Carly, the woman he loved before getting Skye knocked up.  Has a tendency to grow a beard literally overnight making him look too much like his dead brother Luis.  Habla Espanol. 

Big Alice:                      The Quartermaine maid nurses a crush on Mr. Luke.

A true Renaissance woman, Alice is also a female wrestler, an ordained minister and mixes up a killer martini.  Deserves a raise. 

Nikolas Cassadine:       Wealthy aristocrat divorced Emily to be with Courtney.  Unbeknownst to him, he fathered baby John. 

He has his moments.  I liked him better when he was more involved in running the Cassadine empire instead of just visiting his miracle baby with Courtney and making Maxie turn to blackmail in an effort to turn him on.  Needs to start carrying a hankie for those unforeseen nasal emergencies. 

Mike Corbin:                Sonny and the late Courtney’s father - runs Kelly’s Diner.

Always the last to know everything and the one to take Sonny’s leftover scraps.  Makes a mean gingersnap though. 

Carly Corinthos:           Sonny’s fiery ex-wife is involved with Jax.

First off, I can’t believe they gave Carly a total of 8 words to describe who she is!  The offspring of hooker mother Bobbie and one of her johns (John!) tracked down her bio mom to destroy her life by stealing her husband.  Got pregnant by one Quartermaine, led everyone to believe another Quartermaine was really the dad when she got the baby blues and vitamins and exercise failed to pull her out.  Will kill for Sonny, Jason and her kids and has been shot in her sex brain by Sonny while delivering his child.  Lost her best friend/sister-in-law and is now fighting to keep the secret of Courtney’s child’s paternity.  Oh yeah, hates just about every other female in Port Charles under the age of 90, and for the most part, the feelings are mutual. 

Michael Corinthos:        Son of Carly and the late AJ Quartermaine. Adopted by Sonny, he’s a big brother to Morgan and Kristina.

Obnoxious little mobster in training.  Saving grace is his love and sense of responsibility to his siblings and new cousin.  I’m praying for a SORAS miracle. 

Sonny Corinthos:          The Don Juan don with a history of mental instability, his love for Emily cost him the loyalty of his No. 1 man, Jason.

That, some latent homosexual tendencies and lots of broken glassware pretty much sums it up.  Tends to have personal crisis during the months of February, May and November.  Once compared his own life to a Jerry Springer show.  

Alexis Davis:                 The new DA, this lovably neurotic lawyer is the mother to Kristina (with Sonny) and Molly (with Ric).  Learning Sam is the daughter she gave up for adoption rocked her world.

Ric used to rock her world, now that she’s DA, I’m expecting that there will be quite a few people who will be after her.  Walking a mental health tightrope, just wait ‘til she finds out that Helena’s back in town.  Scheis! 

Noah Drake:                A recovering alcoholic, the doc dated Bobbie back in the day.

Bears a striking resemblance to that 80’s Jesse’s Girl rocker dude.  According to Katrina, looks like he could have been separated at birth from Iggy Pop.  Needs a new girlfriend, but there’s no one his age but Bobbie – been there, hit that. 

Patrick Drake:              Noah’s brilliant but arrogant surgeon son is smitten with Robin.

And himself.  Travels with the latest in HIV protective gear. Figures prominently in the fantasy life of 20-something-year-old PC women.   Shirt has a tendency to spontaneously fly open at the slightest provocation.   

Max Giambetti:             Sonny’s faithful bodyguard secretly crushes on Carly.

And apparently has a secret last name.  Favorite TV show is Dancing with the Stars. 

Audrey Hardy:  Liz’s grandmother is the GH matriarch.

Used to be Director of the GH nursing program, chief voice of reason and all around advice giver-outer.  Main duty these days is apparently watching her great grandson Cameron – offscreen. 

Jasper Jax:                    Corporate raider has been duplicitously raising Nikolas’ son as his own. 

And has romanced damn near every single woman in PC and was either engaged or married to them at one time or another. Managed to get Liz preggers just by looking at her and writing a check.  

Felicia Scorpio Jones:      Rarely seen P.I mom of Maxie and Georgie.

When is semester break again?  Both gurrrlss could really use a little face time with their hottie mommy.  And what about the possibility of a Noah/Flea/Mac triangle… hmmmm. 

Georgie Jones:              Wed Dillon on his deathbed. He recovered, but they’re on the verge of an annulment.  She’s drawn to Diego.

Drawn?  I thought she wrote to him?   Smart, responsible daughter #2 seems to be making up for lost time in the bad choices department. 

Lucas Jones:     Adoptive son of Bobbie and Tony (deceased), he just came out of the closet.

Wearing a tux because he wanted to take his new boyfriend to the prom.   

Maxie Jones:  Georgie’s protective big sis is mourning her dead beau, Jesse.

Mourning him by what? cozying up to Lucky, her former crush by acting as his drug dealer and then dabbling in extortion as a means of flirting with Nik?.  Both are too old for her, but given the fact that Sonny’s about 50 years older than Emily, there’s no need for concern. 

Ric Lansing:      Sonny’s hotshot attorney/half brother is married to Alexis; once kidnapped Carly. 

Ric’s always better when he’s bad, and seeing as how he’s suddenly sporting the goatee in training, I’d say he’s due to go dark in a big way – and fast. Since that means more airtime, I say more power to ya! 

Sam McCall:    the reformed con artist was engaged to Jason and miscarried Sonny’s baby.

Back up a bit, it’s important for any character synopsis of Sam to include the fact that she banged both Jax and Sonny with nary a pit stop for douching in between.  Aside from that lil bit o’ info, she can cry like nobody’s business and is destined to be the next GH daytime heroine – if she decides to stick around. 

Jason Morgan:    Sonny’s right hand man took over the business when Corinthos refused to stop dating Jason’s sister Emily.  A brain injury caused him to reject his Q origins and embark on a life of crime.

‘Anger Boy’ has most recently cried, killed and stared, which is one more emotion than we are used to seeing from him. Slowly moving towards reconciliation with his non-bio mom Monica, he’s now pushing Sam away for her own good.  He ages well, though we do miss the nips. 

Alan Quartermaine:  GH chief of staff is married to Monica.  Fathered Jason with a mistress.

Currently spends his time being hypercritical, judgmental and bitchy.  An enema might help.  

Dillon Quartermaine:     An aspiring filmmaker, Tracy’s youngest son recently married Georgie, but realized they wed too young.

Quirky, cute, way existential anti-hero in training.  Married too young.  Wants a divorce but would like to continue to ‘date’ his ex-wife.  Has a non-sexual crush on Luke.  

Edward Quartermaine:  Blustery Q patriarch meddles in the lives of children Tracy and Alan and grandkids, Ned, Jason, Emily, Dillon and Justus.

And God love him because we all do! 

Emily Quartermaine:      This hardworking med student was adopted by Alan and Monica.  After her marriage to Nik failed, she fell hard for Sonny.

Is obviously taking the Berlitz medical school courses and if called upon, can perform brain surgery with a spork.  Loved by everyone, except Carly. Daydreams of pirates, mobsters and getting laid by Dr. P on a pool table at Jakes.  Can’t hold her liquor. 

Monica Quartermaine:    Surgeon wife of Alan, loves non-bio kids Jason and Emily as her own.

And it’s HER house damnit! 

Ned Quartermaine (Ashton)      Tracy’s eldest son and Dillon’s half brother is the owner of L&B records.

Haven’t seen Nedly in weeks – can someone check that Quartermaine freezer? 

Skye Quartermaine:      The recovering alcoholic believed she was Alan’s daughter, but this was later proven false. Divorced from Jax, she’s pregnant with boyfriend Alcazar’s child.

Gorgeously independent, strong-willed and flawed.   Currently carrying a mini-moblet and trying desperately not to get sucked in by Luke’s charm.  This gal must’ve had her shrink on speed dial in years past.  Now she’s one of the healthiest citizens of PC.  What does that tell you? 

Tracy Quartermaine:     This rich bitch got drunk and married Luke, who has refused to divorce her. Won’t admit she actually cares for the rascal.

This is “fun Tracy” as opposed to uptight, screechy Tracy. Love does crazy things to a person – Woot! 

Manny Ruiz:                 Rival mobster is terrorizing P.C.; faked rehabilitation after a brain operation.

Those tats are real babycakes.  Still gives me the willies when he slinks around PC.  Last seen taking target practice on Carly and her dad, Big Johnny D. (now known as Dead Johnny D.)  

Mac Scorpio:               Honorable police commish is stepdad to Maxie and Georgie, uncle to Robin and is Robert’s younger bro.

All those familial connections to front-burner characters and he STILL can’t arrest a storyline. 

Robert Scorpio:            Ex-spy was presumed dead for over a decade.  He’s trying to reconcile with estranged daughter Robin.

Hey we’re all a little older, but damn the man’s got ‘it’!  Special note to Santa that I want a contract extension for Tristan R.!! 

Robin Scorpio:             Dedicated HIV-positive doctor once dated Jason and now spars with Patrick.

Still want specifics on how she consummated her love with Jason – ‘without penetration’ – euuuuwwww.  Was the original PC saint before Miss Emily came back to town.  Seems to know more secrets than a priest.  Dad wants her to forget that it’s been 15 years since he took any interest in her.  Pfft 

Bobbie Spencer:           Luke’s sister/Carly’s mom is a hooker turned nurse and a pillar of the community.

Time to get this woman a little somethin’-somethin’.  Needs to practice what she preaches Re: acceptance, especially when it comes to her own son.  It’s okay though, because having Carly is enough of a cross to bear for anyone. 

Elizabeth Webber Spencer:       Now married to Lucky, she’s divorced from Ric and the mother of Cameron (with the late Zander).

Rape survivor, she learned how to paint the wind after first love Lucky ‘died’ in a fire.  Has done it with damn near every hot guy on the show and still retains that aura of virginity.  Attended Berlitz nursing program. 

Lucky Spencer:            Son of Luke and Laura, the cop tied the knot with his first love, nurse Liz.

This guy has genes and then some!  From pulling scams with his dad to raising worms to surviving Helena and reclaiming his life with lovely Liz.  Now they’ve turned him into some pathetic jealous schmuck with a drug dependency.  Can you say “ruint”? 

Luke Spencer:  The world weary adventurer still mourns the loss of Laura, the love of his life.  He harbored feelings for Skye, but wed Tracy for her money.  Alternately dotes on/neglects his kids.

More please. 

Lulu Spencer:   Rebellious teen daughter of Luke and Laura is Lucky’s full sib and Nikolas’ half sis.

I think the word ‘complex’ was invented for this kid.  In a good way.  More please. 

Justus Ward:     Attorney turned ELQ CEO

I think I missed something, then again, I really don’t care. 

Lesley Webber:            This former medico is grandma to Lucky, Nikolas and Lulu.

Is she the one teaching the Berlitz courses?  She’s done raising her daughter and Luke’s wild child Lulu, so what’s she up to these days?   

Lainey Winters:  brilliant compassionate shrink is dating Justus.

When a character is much more interesting drunk then sober, well you just got to wonder what the point is? 

I crack myself up. 

Special thanks to Soap Opera Digest for spurring me on this week!