February 11, 2007
Once again, we’re
cooking up a storm here at the MetroCourt. The special of the week is
misogyny, served up on a silver platter by Mr. Craig himself. Torture just
doesn’t have enough bite these days without mixing in some sexual threats.
Please give it a try, but I can’t speak for the quality myself. My
stomach’s still a bit nauseous.
I’ve developed a new
habit as I watch General Hospital. Anytime Jason receives praise, I add an
extra line in, much like the age-old addition of “in bed” to Chinese cookie
fortunes. For example, Spinelli told Jason that he fought on the side of
the righteous, to which I added, “Yeah, except for when he kills people.”
This can be applied anytime a character extols the hitman with a heart of
gold’s virtues. It’s cathartic.
I’m surprised they
haven’t worked Lucky’s drug addiction into the hostage scenario yet. All
they’d need to do is plant baggies of pills in various corners of the
MetroCourt. We could have hours of Lucky rushing in to rescue his loved
ones but having to stop and agonize over every baggie that crossed his
path. It’s not like he’s going to be allowed to save anyone anyway with
Jason on the job. That would lessen the shimmering glow of Jason’s halo.
If the police officers were competent, then we might question Jason’s
obvious superiority and whether or not a hired killer is actually a
respectable occupation.
Meanwhile, in a remote
desert location, Robert Scorpio and Anna Devane lean hunched over the warm
glow of a laptop, working together on an email to the Port Charles
authorities.
Dear Mac, Mayor
Floyd, and D.A. Lansing,
Anna and I have a few
moments to spare while waiting for our next orders from the WSB. We
couldn’t help but notice, on our plane flight in, that Port Charles is in
the midst of a hostage situation. As we’ve both been the police
commissioner in the past, we thought you might appreciate some tips to avoid
these situations in the future.
First of all, any
time the majority of the Port Charles elite is at the same place, do your
best to seal off the area immediately and check for any gas leaks. While
the attendees may be a danger to each other, it’s much more likely that an
unseen force will cause an emergency situation. We have seen this happen at
hospitals, hotels, and trains in the past. We’re beginning to think that
the concentration of all that turmoil in one room creates a magnet for
danger, much like ants are drawn to a pot of Devonshire cream (that was
Anna’s analogy). Whatever the cause, please make sure a full security
detail is deployed at any such event.
Secondly, you should
seriously consider asking the Port Charles electorate to vote for government
ownership of the city docks. Some may label such a measure as socialist,
but we think it would do wonders to bring down the nefarious mobster element
in the city. It seems that they are somehow involved in all emergencies and
while Mr. Morgan has been known to do a fair share of rescuing, it still
stands that he wouldn’t need to if he ceased his illegal activities. Plus,
he’s a bloody wanker for how he treated our daughter.
Eliminating the
mobster scene would also be a boon to the local economy. If you consider
just General Hospital, less crime equals less time spent operating on bullet
wounds. This would increase the hospital’s overall efficiency, allowing for
more patients to be seen and more income. Plus, the docks could be
renovated into a lovely waterfront plaza, creating a booming nightlife and
giving all the couples someplace new to meet for dinner, especially since
the survival of the MetroCourt is in question.
We hope you take the
time to review our suggestions and we’re happy to answer any questions next
time the Bureau lets us swing by. Oh, and Mac, our project leader said you
had tried to leave some sort of message for us, but your cell phone cut off
midstream. Whatever it is, we’re sure you have it under control. Patrick
probably did something to infuriate Robin again, we’re guessing. Maybe
involving a furniture dispute?
Tell next time,
Robert & Anna
Thanks for your
patronage. We’re sorry the special was a bit heavy this week but we are
running out of ingredients so it’ll probably be more of the same at your
next visit. Hopefully, we’ll be able to relocate soon…even the hospital
cafeteria is looking like a good option.
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