Eye on Soaps welcomes the submission of guest columns from non-staff members for consideration of publication. The best will be printed for public viewing. If you would like to submit a guest column, you may do so by sending it, print-ready, to firstname.lastname@example.org. Your column may or may not be used, but you will receive a response.
Here is our most recently accepted guest column:
Green Eggs Ad
For quite some time, All My Children suffered from the hands of a head writer who gave us storylines like Josh really being an aborted fetus and Kendall agreeing to be a surrogate for Greenlee and the abusive and presumed dead Ryan. She gave us stories that rendered beloved vets virtually unrecognizable. She thought that writing our favorites out of character just to advance a plot was a good idea. (Remember Zach leaving the jail with Dixie to find Madden instead of going back to his dying wife. I’ll never forget it.)
So new writers at AMC were met with joy and jubilation and quite a few expectations that things would get better. But one has to wonder which is worse. The writer who thought up the surrogacy storyline in the first place or the writers who won’t let die.
Perhaps the writers can justify dredging up a story that had finally run its course when Greenlee came back into town. Although a better solution would have been not to bring Greenlee back at all, especially since the original portrayer refused the role. But she’s back, and they had to deal with why she left.
Okay, fine. So deal with it if you must. But for heaven’s sake, deal with the entire history, not just a portion of it.
First and foremost, Spike was not the child that should have been Greenlee’s. That child doesn’t exist. That child ceased to exist when Zach caused the blackout. Spike is Kendall’s baby. Period.
Speaking of said blackout, Zach did NOT take away Greenlee’s chance to have a baby. He took away Greenlee’s chance to have Ryan’s baby. Madden told her that she couldn’t carry a baby to term. She still produces eggs. She can still use a human incubator to carry a baby for her (as long as that incubator isn’t Kendall.)
The only thing keeping Greenlee from having a baby is her own narcissism. Because, she didn’t just want a baby. She wanted a Ryan’s baby carried by Kendall. Nothing else will do.
And finally, the biggest hole in this regurgitated story is the one fact that the show dwelled on for the better part of a year. Greg Madden was a lying, manipulative SOB. He didn’t hesitate to lie to a woman he considered unworthy of raising a child. (See Dixie, Julia and Kendall.)
Greg Madden was the only doctor who said Greenlee couldn’t carry a baby to term, and we all know how reliable he was. In the conversations Greenlee has had with Julia, not once has Julia said “Madden lied to me, maybe he lied to you, too” Not one person, not even Greenlee, has thought that perhaps a second opinion might be a good idea.
Instead, Greenlee is forging ahead with the unsubstantiated belief that her only chance to have a baby is to reclaim eggs fertilized by an ex-husband who wants nothing to do with her. She has a new boyfriend, so why would she want a baby with Ryan now anyway?
And the answer that sums it all up is that it’s not about a baby. It’s not about Ryan. And it’s not about Spike. It’s about a self-centered woman can only be happy if the universe – or at least the part of the universe that dwells in Pine Valley – revolves around her.
When it comes to Green Eggs and Sperm, I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. I do not like them Sam I am.
Past Guest Columns (Previously "The Muse Writers")