I was so excited to see the Eye on Soaps challenge to readers to become “muse” writers.  I thought to myself “Oh boy!  I have soooo much to say!”  (They don’t call me “ChattyCathy” for nothing, that’s for sure!)  Then I sat down to watch my soaps today with a pad of paper by my side.  I figured I could take notes and then type up a witty and humorous and informative column guaranteed to make all of the loyal EOS readers laugh. Hah!  Let me tell you, Katrina and co. make this look a heck of a lot easier than it is. 

First up – All My Children – here are my notes from today’s episode: 

• Babe/JR – Blah, blah, blah.
   

• Krystal/Adam – Blah, blah, blah.
   

• Josh/Erica – Blah, blah, UNBELIEVABLE STORYLINE, blah.
   

• Kendall/Ryan – Blah, blah, blah.
   

• Ryan/Hoolia – Blah, blah, blah.
   

• Zach.  Where’s Zach?  Funny, I love the character Zach.  I never cared for Thorsten Kaye’s character when he was on OLTL – If I had to hear him recite “Brown Penny, Brown Penny” one more time I probably would have thrown something at the TV.  I didn’t like his character on Port Charles either.  But THIS character, Zach, I can get into. 

Of course, I had other notes but I had to stop and ask myself “Does the comment that Cameron Matheson’s eyes are too close together fall under the category of ‘slandering an actor?’”  Hmm…Probably. Sigh.  Then I wrote “I wish my hair looked like Alicia Minshew’s.”   I also wrote “Give Aidan a real storyline, he’s hot.”  These are definitely the thoughts and insight EOS readers have been waiting for, aren’t they?

Okay!  On to One Life to Live.  Surely I’ll have more interesting notes on One Life to Live today.  Unfortunately, the telephone rang and it was work related and darned if I didn’t spend an entire hour on a conference call and totally miss OLTL.  I have no idea what actually happened but I imagine it went something like this: 

·        Vicki moaned about her “poor Jessica” and how she needs to find out what happened to her beloved Jessica so they can get rid of Tess and that awful Nash so that Jessica and Antonio can have their baby and live happily ever after.  (Personally I hope that the integrated Jessica/Tessica sticks with uber-hottie Nash, but that’s just me.)

·        Todd skulked and plotted to figure out how to prove Spencer set him up.

·        Spencer stalked Blair and Blair told him she can’t see him any more again.

·        Bo continued to suspect Paige of lying to him and gave her another chance to tell him the truth and Paige lied and didn’t really answer any of his questions.

·        Paige wrung her hands and looked guilty, nervous and fidgety.

·        Christian beat someone else up at the gym or in the ring or whatever.

·        John looked HOT.  Every time I see Michael Easton I can’t help but remember his well-endowed nude model character on Ally McBeal…but I digress.

·        Natalie bitched at Christian, bitched at John, bitched at Michael, bitched at Tess and kissed Vicki’s ass.

·        Marcy, if she was on-screen, screeched at Michael about the wedding, and Michael looked “doofusy.”  Hereafter I will refer to Michael as Dr. Doofus.  That’s assuming I ever get the nerve to try to write one of these commentaries again.

·        Something happened to keep Rex and Adriana from having sex...  Then, somewhere someone said something about how “hot” Adriana (the next supermodel) looked.  I have déjà vu of Erica Kane here.  Erica Kane, the 5’ nothing supermodel -- fast forward 30 years and you get Adriana, another unlikely super model.  What Erica lacked in stature she made up for with cajones.  Adriana lacks both.  If you’re going to be a super model, you have to believe in your own hotness, and Adriana does not, which makes me find the whole storyline laughable.

·        Kevin probably came to the conclusion that Kelly and Duke are fooling around, even though they’re not.  Yet.  Poor spermless Kevin.  That evil Spencer strikes again.

·        Clint was once again humored Tess to keep her under control.  I wonder if Clint is supporting Tess/Nash just to annoy Vicki.  I hope so.  I’ve always found the character of Vicki to be somewhat self-righteous and condescending.

·        Dorian did something to undermine Adriana and Rex’s romance, flirted with Clint, and denigrated the characters of Todd, David, Spencer, Kevin and Rex.  No one is good enough for the Cramer women!  (or is that Kramer?  I can never remember)

·        Tess moaned and groaned about how no one wants her around, they only care for Jessica.

I think I’ve hypothesized enough about OLTL.  On to The Sonny and Emily show (co-starring Jason, Sam and Carly).  Oh, my bad!  I mean General Hospital - where you never have to go to school to become a doctor or a nurse.  You just show up in a lab coat or scrubs and you’re hired (i.e., Elizabeth and Emily).  I guess it pays to have a grandmother who is the head of the nursing staff as well as a famous heart surgeon mother and a chief of staff father.  Where IS Alan anyway?  Was he even involved in the whole epidemic crisis?  I don’t remember. 

Guess what?  The phone rang again, so I only caught a few glimpses of the show and here are my notes: 

1. Dillon/Georgie at Kelly’s… Oops, here comes Diego.  New triangle.  Yawn.  I think Dillon and Georgie should have at least some hot, steamy, teen-aged sex before we get a regurgitated storyline a la Scottie/Laura/Luke.  But that’s just me.  Remember Scottie and Laura, the poor struggling law student and his wife?  Now we have Georgie and Dillon, the poor struggling film student and his wife.
    

2. Skye and Luke.  You snooze you lose Lucas Lorenzo Spencer.  Hasta la vista, Baby! Skye’s been sperminated by Lorenzo Alcazar.  Yay.
    

3. Nicholas.  Yawn.  Get over it.  You weren’t the first love of Courtney’s life, and I guarantee that if Alicia Willis hadn’t decided to leave you wouldn’t have been the last love of Courtney’s life either.  First there was A.J., then there was Jason, then there was Jax, and finally there was you.  Go bond with your grandmother and become a villain.  GH needs a good villain.  Sonny is boring.
    

4. Jason and Sam.  Wow, what a surprise, Sam is Alexis’ biological child.  Yawn.  Maybe I missed an episode or three, but why does Sam have such a hair across her butt concerning Alexis?  Why should I care about Sam?  Because she’s was once impregnated by super studly Sonny sperm?  Sam is a character who has been pushed down my throat from day one and I just don’t get it.  And don’t EVEN get me started on how easily Sonny impregnates women… Haven’t any of them heard of birth control or is Sonny’s sperm like armor-piercing bullets?  And what do these women see in Sonny?  All I can figure about the Sonny attraction is that he’s well-endowed.  That’s got to be it.  There’s no other explanation.  Except that Rick’s is bigger according to Alexis, so I guess it’s the armor piercing sperm that attract the women.  Or maybe it’s the off-chance that they could be blown up by a car bomb for being near him.  Yeah, that’s it.
    

5. Robin. I didn’t see Robin today, but I find myself liking her more this time around.  I like her with Dr. Noah Drake Jr. (or whatever his name is), and I like her sniping at Carly.  Robin and Carly don’t make nicey nicey with each other and it’s fun.
    

6. Carly and Jax.  Truthfully, I don’t care for the character of Jax, but Carly may be able to make him interesting, and I’m ready to see Carly move on and thumb her nose at Sonny and mean it instead of just using the next guy to “get to” Sonny (a la Lorenzo).
    

7. Sonny and Emily.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  I just don’t care.  I think that any thing I could say about these two falls under the category of disparaging the characters or something like that.  Sometimes silence speaks volumes. 

So that’s my commentary.  It’s not particularly good, and it’s not particularly witty or insightful, but I tried.  This isn’t easy and I have a whole new respect for the EOS contributing columnists.  I don’t know how they do it week in and week out.

By Cathy Rigby

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