As Easy As ABC

February 1, 2007

Sure, I find plenty to complain about on the soaps, but after talking with CC over at the Saloon over a few drinks (not those wussy kind with umbrellas and fruit in them, but the hard core kind that melt all but the thickest glasses and have smoke coming off of them when they are poured), we decided to have DUELING COLUMNS! She would handle the negativity and I would play Susie Sunshine and expound on the virtues of our golden daytime children.

Is the glass half empty, half full or twice as big as it needs to be? Only you can decide. Here's my take:

AMC

WHOOO HOOOO! It was more than I could ever have dreamed for and we have a sliver of a chance that more is to come. God BLESS that sweet Satin Slayer because "Ding, Dong the BITCH is dead!" Mind you, I'd NEVAH be crass enough to dance on the grave of a real live person, but a fictional character how has vexed and holier than thou'd and "buttah wouldn't melt in mah mouthed" for decades...honey strike up the band and hand mama her tap shoes cause I'm kickin up my heels! On the (dancing) heels of that news comes the spoiler that, if even for a few minutes, Babe is going to die and you've got me in blissy waves of self-fanning ecstasy. AMC, you made my dreams come true. This almost, almost makes up for the whole dismissing of Darling Vincent issue. Hate AMC? Hell, if they would kill off both Dixie and Babe, I'd marry the damned show (without a prenup).

I know everyone else is tooting this horn, but honey, it's true. That Zach continues to be just cute as the proverbial bug's ear, even when (especially when) heavily medicated. His love and respect for Kendall is almost palpable. How often is it that we get that combination? Usually, a couple loves one another in this purely desperate fashion because they just can't stand to be apart. You really get the feeling that the Slaters don't just love each other, but they LIKE each other and are devoted to facing the world together no matter what. I'd say they are the new Ruth and Joe except that "boring" could never be applied to Zach and Kendall and, well, finish that sentence yourself.

You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why... Babs Montgomery's coming to town and is ready to needle and wheedle and bother Erica about Jack as much as she can, which to me is like knowing a new episode of House or Scrubs or My Name is Earl is going to be on (all of which we got/are getting this week, which puts me in an absolutely stellah mood). Pass me the popcorn and turn up that volume! ANYone poking at Erica with something other than a penis is pure-d entertainment for me!

Bring it awwwwwn!!

Although Dixie's death was not lamented for days as yes, I know, well it should have been, the flashbacks when it happened were just excellent. It was a dear and only slightly annoying retrospective of the life of a soap character and I even teared up a bit. Plus her angel outfit came equipped with a Wonder Bra. It's just too sweet for words.

Speaking of too sweet for words, how can Death by Banana Peanut Butter Pancakes NOT be wonderful! That was the BEST!!! That was better than the exploding wedding cake cooked up by Ursula Whosit on OLTL (in the form of Jill Larson, I might add!).

Even the resident Stepford Escapee had me laughing today. Ol' collagen/botox face was just a'flapping her lips around Kendall while Kendall blew her off and I thought it was hilarious. No one ignores someone as completely and hatefully as Kendall ignores someone. There's no doubt who won THAT meeting of the models.

After years of always sliding through every single catastrophe without so much as a graze on them, the Carey women are on the verge of being brought down from the grave with Dixie's dying words. When Adam finds out that Krystal shared her special purpose with Tad and is carrying HIS baby and knowingly giving that child the sacred Chandler name of "Charlotte," there is going to be hell.to.pay. We will finally get our old Adam back again and that on the tail of JR seeing Babe tongue wrestle with Josh again has to mean that these two trashy broads are goin' DOWN (and not in their usual way). If I've still got popcorn and Whoppers left after the Barbara-Erica smack down, I'm going to be pounding them down here. Huzzah!!

OK, admittedly, Tad just ripped my heart out grieving for Dixie. Big kudos to Michael E. Knight for beautifully, painfully conveying all that Tad finally did lose when Dixie ate dem pancakes. (Will someone for sure get that broad's pulse so we can make sure she's not only really dead, she's really most sincerely dead this time?) Kelli Giddish also did a fine job of breaking down at Dixie's funeral today and I felt her crippling pain. Del when he beat up the papers after Dixie died; meh, not so much.

I keep thinking of David sitting back and laughing over all that is going on, then I think about him picking up a newspaper and reading that Dixie is dead and being all sad. He needs comforting. I'm willing to take one for the team and cheer him up. It's the least I can do. Get me a do not disturb sign, a lemon, a bungee cord and some tootsie rolls and if I'm not back in 2 days, don't come looking for me.

Did we drop the "Jonathan is crazy again" story? I kind of thought angry Jonathan was hot in that intense guy kind of way. I don't want him to beat up anyone (well, I do have a secret list, but that's a story for another day), but if he could just walk around and look all broody, I'm good with that.

AMC has cornered the market on finding really, really cute kids to play the children of their "beautiful folk" characters. Most kids on daytime look like puppies and chimps. These are absolutely gorgeous.

So those are my AMC happy thoughts.

OLTL

Praise the lawd and pass the jujubees, someone FINALLY killed Spencer! Hurray! I am still absolutely cracking up over the fact that Spencer died of a fatal stab wound to the shoulder. That's almost as good as the banana peanut butter pancakes. One little jab with the scissors and he went over like a bag of beans. Since Spencer was pretty buff, one has to wonder if some vital organ was accidentally relocated up into his shoulder at some point.

That scene with Druggy Blair in the wedding dress was creepy and hilarious at the same time. It's like biting into what you think is a See's chocolate and finding Hagen Das inside. It's weird and surprising and really cold and hurts your teeth a bit, but wow, it's just oh so good!

Knowing that Dorian and Viki are gearing up for battle #394858 is almost as good as the brewing battle with Erica and Barbara!

What could possibly be better than more Lindsay and I have to say, Catherine Hickland looks better than I've ever seen her! Divorce definitely becomes her! (But to be fair, Michael E, Knight is looking pretty hot these days too!) Watching Lindsay's gears turn as she plots and schemes is like watching a master craftsman at work.

OH my oh my oh my David Vickers is back for a little while and a moment of David beats out weeks of those other losers. I'd gladly wad up every man currently on canvas and trade the lot of them off if I could just have all David all the time. He's not just a man for all seasons; he's a man for all scenes.

I am on the edge of my seat with Nash and Jessica. Yes, she's being a ho, but wow, she's being a HOT ho and you almost, alllmost think that if Nash was there looking all hot and naked in the sauna or hot and naked in a cave or hot and naked about anywhere, the average person would quickly forget they were married and that is WITHOUT the XXX implanted memories. You can look at Antonio and know he's a show off in bed who would be worried more about how his hair looks or what muscle is flexing on the downstroke than what was going where and how and if his partner is even in the room. Nash might be hot, but I'm betting that boy is thoroooough. I'm thinking he has an oral fixation and that can never be bad.

Never.

Addie!! Loving me some Addie! Pamela Peyton Wright is just an amazing actress and I always look forward to the Addie moments.

Watching the interplay between Michael and Rex, each thinking they are talking about the same thing but when neither of them actually knows what they are talking about is priceless. Since they both think the other one did it, they are both out of the suspect's list. I am eager for the "What? You didn't do it?" scene.

Bo and Rex are just as good and I LOVED how Bo instantly just knew that Rex had not killed Spencer. Not that he was INNOCENT by any means, just not the one who happened to kill Spencer. Giving Rex the benefit of the doubt right off the bat scores Bo BIG points in my book.

Poor Marcie!! She's all wound up to tell Michael about Spencer's murder and he just popped her little bubble by saying, 'I know.' Now she needs to find some other good dirt to get out her pent up gossip energy.

Are we thinking that maybe that phone call Asa made had something to do with Spencer's death? I am!!

Can't wait for the reading of Spencer's video will! I love those "And Then There Were None" stories where everyone is summoned someplace by a lawyer! If only "it was a dark and stormy night" at the Palace Hotel when the group assembles.

How long is it before little Cole is 18?

Kirsten Alderson just keeps on hitting it out of the ballpark. I vote her as the best actor on the show.

Susan Haskell had her baby and is likely recovering and shrinking down to her usual superskinny size as we speak, likely increasing the chance that NotMarty will be on her way to bigger and better opportunities and I can go back to despising RealMarty again! Hoo hooo!! I think it would be a great relief to everyone concerned so we can start forgetting this even happened. Maybe if we all hold hands and chant, we can make this happen!

Anyway...

When the terrorists started painting the windows of the Metro Court, the look on Carly's face was, "That is going to cost so much effin' money to replace."

Line of the week:

Lucky telling Luke about his life, "Turns out Maxie wasn't pregnant, but I don't want to go there."

Luke: "You shouldn't have gone there in the first place."

Big HAHAHA... It's hilarious that Mr Craig bothers to wear a mask. He made a point to talk to everyone in town at length before the heist and he's the only one in the state with that prawper British accent. It's not like the mask is fooling anyone.

Thank God for Alcazar's new Augustus Caesar haircut. I want him on my dollar coin immediately please. That would make me save my money.

Never thought I'd say this, but Maxie was cute as hell today saying, "Just let them rob us and get out of here." Is the sky falling? Is hell frozen over? Maxie CONTINUED to be all kinds of cute in the vault with the little masky guy with the number name. How long before she's getting her summa dat, I wonder? They've got 12 hours for foreplay and fun in the vault.

Bobbie and Scottie!! Romance please! Bring it on! They were WONDERFUL together today!

How can Skye still look so danged gorgeous when the make up department refuses to put any on her at all? Would some eyebrows and a little lipstick kill them? Vamp that broad up already!

I'm all for the inevitable Dillon and Lulu pairing. They are GREAT together and Georgie and Dillon are just so very done. I'm more than ready for that ship to sail. I hear Texas is very, very good to the Scorpio-Jones women. It's like they never want to leave.

Epiphany continues to make me smile every single, solitary time she's on the screen.

I adore Luke and Tracy. Yesterday was priceless. She was obviously so furious with him but so thrilled to see him at the same time. The love on his face was so genuine and unLuke-like. As he left, after telling her the marriage would only end if she ended it, watching her choke back tears of relief was a viewing privilege. I'd wager to say that they love one another in a more genuine and pure way than any couple in soaps. THIS is a super couple.

I think it's awesome that no one knows where Helena went after Nikolas and Emily got Spencer back. One of Helena's greatest assets as a villainess, other than her acerbic wit and sociopathic disdain is the fact that she's just "out there," waiting to strike at any time.

Scotty eased back onto the canvas so gently, so smoothly, that it's like he was never gone. Rumors of a return for Lynn Herring (Lucy) make the story even sweeter. I don't even love him and still, I wub him.

I am one of the few who just adores Spinelli. I look forward to his scenes and love to see him hassle "Stone Cold." Steve Burton obviously has a blast with their scenes, as does Maurice Benard. It's such a joy to see actors having fun with their work.

Nikolas is holding an ice pack or something to his jaw. That likely means someone decked him when I wasn't watching. This pleases me.

Lotsa Mac. This pleases me. Rumors of his death do not please me.

Of all of the people, contract players and extras, who are in the Metro Court, Mr Craig singles out Robin to shoot. This makes him a terrorist who is dedicated to winning my heart. If he shoots Emily next, I am by god going to marry him (provided AMC has not already given me a ring, see above).

Seeing Noah yesterday warmed my heart and various other centralized locations of me.

I LOVED the names the characters chose for themselves on Mr Craig's "Get to know you" game. (Sweet Sam my ass) Did that guy actually say "Marty McFarty" to keep from getting shot??

How can I NOT love this show?