May 11, 2006
The phone photo almost got David a headliner on the "You Go Boyee" section, but David, Sweetie, Darling... Since we're on a clicking, ticking, tocking clock to the gallows, do y'think you MIGHT consider throwing an ol' BCC of that photo to Commissioner Buchanan and ADA Hughes before you hit "send? Just a couple of little thumb moves and you could save an innocent man (well, he's far from innocent, but regarding this crime, he's at least "not guilty") from that long, cold sleep. You're thinking of yourself almost as much as I do! Bad David! Bad!
Oh for Godsake. Paige. Girl. You are surrounded by "outs." Bo is a smart man. He can undo anything Spencer can do. It's clear that this is not so much a guilt and fear thing but an inability to trust the people around her to take care of themselves and handle the truth. We know more about Spencer than anyone one person one the show, given our omniscient audience power and personally, I think Bo can take him. Silly Paige. You're such a ditz, no matter how many times they recast you. Did the powers that be truly not think through this character? Did they have any kind of plan for her other than "love interest for Bo and oh, she has some connection to other people in Llanview?" Is that Music Box Killer still around here somewhere?
WHAT a whiner! As soap characters go, she's gotten off pretty easy with a little boyfriend trouble, a little kidnapping, a little fire... it's her turn to have a tragedy and she needs to take it with more valor than she's showing. Of course, to her credit, she did have to listen to Natalie bitch and moan constantly through her abduction. That's particularly cruel and unusual punishment.
Perhaps her simpering is actually a seduction technique to lure the unsuspecting Cristian into her hooks. I could respect that.
Evangeline definitely has better chemistry with Cristian than with John. After the progression through RJ, then on to John, I wonder how she would do with someone as romantic and attentive as Cris? In a recent soap opera article, he was called, "Born Again Cristian" and I have to say that seems to be the case. After Yorlin Madera left, I didn't have much interest in Cris but since he came back this last time, he's turned my head more than once. It's like seeing a whole new character and his unwillingness to pine after Natalie any more just makes him all the more attractive. There's little I appreciate less than a man who does nothing more than sniff around a woman's skirts. The soaps are full of them. Cris "just said no." Maybe he can teach Evangeline how to "let go." (He gets an honorable mention in the "You Go Boyee" category.)
And now for a musical interlude with apologies to Julie Brown:
Because I'm whore, I don't have to thinks
I see people workin', it just makes me giggle
I never learned to read and I never learned to
I see girls without men and I feel so sorry for 'em
I took an IQ test, and I flunked it, of course
I just want to say that being
chosen as this month's Miss Llanview
Girls think I'm snotty, and maybe it's true
Good lord, woman, how much more out of focus does Sonny need to get for you to realize you just aren't seeing things clearly! You have absolutely everyone you respect and love telling you to stay away from this guy, you know for a fact that he put out a hit on your brother (but he took it baaaaaccckkk!) and to all appearances, you are STILL at the mercy of your naughty bits, letting them drag you back to his house again and again and again. Emily: "I'm leaving!" Sonny: "Buh-bye!" Emily: "You're deplorable!" Sonny: "I know." Emily: "I'm leaving!" Sonny: "Buh-bye." Emily: "I'm really going." Sonny: "I know, bye." Emily: "I'm GONE!" Sonny: "Um, no, still here." Emily: "Wanna do it?"
And today, girl, I can't believe you are falling for the roses, breakfast, and "we have to realize that every moment counts" bullshit. Poor dumb, dumb Emily. You idiot.
And while I'm at it:
Here's your sign:
Like the gusty, lusty month of March, Big Daddy John blew in like a lion and went out like a lamb... a slaughtered lamb, that is. For such a complex and bigger-than-life character, he left his world with the pfft (oops! Wrong category!) of a snuffed candle. Mourned by none (other than a "poor baby" crinkled brow by Bobbie and an occasional mention by Carly). "Meh, he didn't want a funeral... maybe he was afraid that no one would come." [Insert painful Felicia face squinch here] "...Oh well, anyone want cocoa??" Thusly, John Durant left us. We will miss you, Papa Bear.
Newbies, the lady to the left is Hillary B Smith who plays Nora on OLTL. Most of you would not know that. She's been in a coma for 6 years. Amazingly, this vibrant and talented actress (that's something anyone who has watched the show for the past 3 years or so would also not know because of the crap that has been written for her) re-signed with OLTL in JANUARY for a year and is STILL in that damned coma! Head Writer Dena Higley, at the time of the new contract, told fans that Nora would NOT be coming out of the coman until after sweeps because they already had major events planned for the time of sweeps when Smith re-signed. Of course, that would be FEBRUARY sweeps and here we are in MAY sweeps! To her credit, Higley specified neither the month or year of the sweeps to which she was referring. C'mon, OLTL! Get up off your dead ass and get Nora off her comatose ass! We've already got one comatose character (Paige), but she gets to be up walking and talking! Foul! Foul I cry!
THIS, Lily, THIS is why your father gets to make decisions for you, even though you are 18 and emancipated and are ready to conquer the world as long as it isn't red. This is why you are not in charge of your own life. This is why you do not get to make up our own "plan." This is why Dad gets a little freaky when you pick your own boyfriends. This is why Dad thought that given the fact that you are intent on trying out sleeping with a guy who killed a lot of people (Yes, yes, I know that he had a bad place in his brain and they took out the bad place and now he's not bad any more, but did you know that we thought Janet was all better? Did you know that when you have a child, you don't take chances?) it would be best if you went back to your No Jonathan Having school. Can you recite the statistics on how many young women who run away from home are trapped into street homelessness and/or prostitution? Who are raped or murdered? Can you count the number of thugs who have hassled you? Go home, lovey. Go home and let your dad tell you what to do for a while 'cause honey, this just isn't working. plus I'm tired of the weird New York camera angles. It makes me feel a little pukey.
We very much need a "hey, take a HINT" section, I guess. How many ways does the Universe have to scream, "Noooooooo!"
From the first proposal (and the second and the third) on, this wedding was completely doomed. What next? It's hard to top a tornado (or two) that blows your church apart.
"Just any sign... I'll be watching for it. Meanwhile, I'll just put you in the closet." ... movie reference for the trivia buffs among you. I know Sage will get it.
Props to Dr Patrick who immediately won the attentions of our resident siren, Holly Sutton. If ever there were birds of a feather, it's these two.
You have to admit, they have a lot in common. Everyone who looks at them suddenly hears Jimi Hendrix singing, "Foxy" ala Garth Algar (or Gary Wright singing "Dreamweaver" ala Wayne Campbell, take your pick). It's like some bizarre Scooby Doo spell that comes over a member of the opposite sex, brainwashing them with glamoury until they are completely captivated. Me? I honestly don't get it. Step aside son, where's yer daddy? I'd definitely send Holly off with a pat on her shapely ass to chase after Dr Feelgood, then stay behind and be the peanut butter in that yummy sleeping bag sammich from a day or so ago. But that's just me. Props to the pros for that thang they do!
I was quite a Kelly fan when she was Gina Tognoni. Tracey Melchoir cured me of any Kelly interest I may have had and Heather Tom put a final nail in the coffin. Even though I am not gushing with Kelly love, I can give credit where credit is due. She did her best to stand by her man and give Kevin her devotion, but you know, when your man tears his engagement ring violently from your hand (I had to wonder if he would have trouble pawning it with her finger still attached) and leaves you dissolved in a puddle of snot and tears after ordering you to go make a baby with his son, what is there to do but take a hint? Unlike Marcie and Michael, Kelly did just that. What's coming now? I'm thinking Duke dies, Kelly is pregnant and life gets even more complicated! Did you hear Kevin refer to Kelly as "my wife" today? "MY SON HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE!" She's not your wife. She's not even your fiancee any more. Pfft, idiot.
Luke's baby girl is just cute as a bug's ear and Julie Marie is hands down the best little actor to hit the screen since Scott Clifton. She lights up the screen in each and every scene to the point that I have to say this, and don't stop me, it has to be spoken aloud... she's every bit as good as the actors who play the hired help on GH! While that might sound like a back handed compliment, it's no secret that for years I have felt that the "help" on GH are the funniest, sharpest, most well developed characters and the most talented and versatile actors we have. Ms Berman is just a shining star and she hit the ground running unlike anyone I have ever seen. Today's scene where she informed Luke, Holly and Robert that the crazy things they used to do like jumping out of airplanes and running from the law were a long time ago was priceless, fueled by the wonderful expressions on the faces of our delicious older stars. Keep me with these scenes any time you want and get me the hell away from Sonny, Emily and *full body shudder* that Vince Fontaine jacket he was wearing to woo her today.
Dr Patrick... who?? Forget about the new hottie on the block who everyone is drooling over. Forbes March (or is it March Forbes? I can never remember) is ABC's hottest cutie patootie! All those things I said about Julie Marie Berman above? Paste them down here too! Although he was very much a supporting character, he came in and owned (pz0WNd) the manly man field of Llanview. Any time I am trudging through the classically slow storytelling of OLTL and wondering why I continue to watch, all I have to do is grab a scene with those stunning baby blues and I'm a OLTL zealot all over again. It's breaking my heart that he's not likely a Buchanan. He fits in so well! OLTL has never shied away from skirting the whole incest thing (reference Tina Roberts - David Vickers and Flash kissing on cousin Joey) and since Jessica is not biologically a Buchanan (Mitch Laurence is her biological father), hey, it could work. He just looks so cuuuuuute in a cowboy hat!! (See Dianna's column for proof)
In particular, I loved the scene today outside of Antonio's hospital room where she called Cristian "smart ass." Heh heh heh.
Wow. When I started this column an hour or more ago, I never imagined I would end up giving Monica Quartermaine a "You go girl!" How can today's interaction with Sonny go without mentioning!
When Sonny, still in that hideous jacket, tried his tired ol' "life is short" bullshit with Monica, she quipped back with something akin to, "Pfft, it is around you."
It just goes to show that there is plenty a daughter can learn from her mother.
Speaking of which: