Who the hell died and left Ryan Lavery the Know-It-All-Patron-Saint Of Pine Valley?  (Hereafter to be referred to as KIAPSOPV)   No one?  Then why, in the name of all that is good and decent on this earth, does that fool stomp around town, acting like he is the KIAPSOPV?  (And is it contagious, or genetic?  Because baby brother, Jonathug is exhibiting  KIAPSOPV signs, too.) 

By what DIVINE inspiration does Ryan know that Annie McDermott is KEmma’s biological mother?  He’s known her for…what?  All of five minutes?  She’s the perfect mother because she got KEmma away from her pedophile-child molester ex-husband?  Guess what, Lavery boys?  That’s called being a GOOD mother.  A responsible mother. Something that any mother worth her salt would do.  Not a PERFECT mother.  Now, I do realize that they don’t have much of an example to go by, given that their own mother was sorely lacking in maternal gifts, but that doesn’t make either of the Lavery boys experts on the subject of motherhood.  Again, they’ve known Annie for all of five minutes, while Ryan (at least) has known Tad and Dixie for years. 

By no means am I an advocate for Dixie.  Not at all.  In fact, I’d love it if SHE never got her hands on that precious little girl.  But that would mean that Tad wouldn’t either and as much of a Yenta as Tad can be, I don’t think he deserves that.  All of that aside, who is Ryan to determine that KEmma is Annies and therefore they have no right to find out (once and for all) if she is their biological child?

It wasn’t so long ago that Ryan was ]thisclose[ to having his own (in my opinion it’s still debatable) son stolen from him by Greg Madden.  Yet he refuses to accept the possibility that KEmma is the child he coerced Dixie into giving up?  He knows what Madden is capable of, and it wasn’t so long ago that he swore to Dixie that he would move mountains to help HER find her child.  How quickly things change.  (Maybe he knows he won’t stand a chance of fondling her golden globes, what with the line being so long and all; and the competition far too…stiff… so he’s decided to focus on a more attainable woman?) Anyway…

We’ll leave Dixie out of this for now, and focus on Tad.  As a “father” himself, (and I use the term loosely where Ryan is concerned for two reasons:  1)  He hasn’t been to visit Spike since Zach moved back in and he lost his chance with Kendall     >insert hysterical finger-pointing and laughter here<   and  2)  I don’t believe he really IS Spike’s biological father)   Ryan should be able to see exactly where Tad is coming from.  As I said, he almost lost widdle Spike and would have been searching the globe for any trace of him if Zach hadn’t saved Kendall from Madden’s clutches.

He tasted that fear when Kendall went AWOL.  Yet he can’t understand Tad’s need to know FOR SURE whether or not Emma is Kate once and for all?  Tad has even said he just needs to know.  If Emma is not Kate, they will leave her and Annie alone and continue their search elsewhere.  Of course, that is far too reasonable for someone like Ryan to understand, since he himself is not possessed of the ability TO reason.  If there is some small place, somewhere in that little pea-brain of his that has any doubt about Annie being KEmma’s biological mother, and he has shown glimpses of that, then why-oh-why is he not pushing Annie to get another DNA test done?  Privately.  Confidentially.

At a clinic out of town where no one can mess with the results.  Why would he choose her over a FRIEND he has known for years?

Furthermore, when does Ryan get to pay for the pain he has caused?  He certainly expects everyone else to own up to the things they have done.  He never hesitates to remind everyone else of everything they have ever done wrong, yet he constantly forgets that he has spread his own (more than) fair share of misery around the Valley.  Greenlee, biotch that she was, is lucky she escaped before he could do any further damage to her.  Unfortunately, he sucked her dry of every ounce of spunk and vitality she had prior to her fleeing the Valley, but at least she has a chance now to regain that AND to mend the shattered remnants of her pride.  I’d love to see Greens come back and just LEVEL Ryan before blowing out of town again - THAT would be big fun.  I’d even bring the popcorn!  

And, an aside to the writers and TPTB at All My Children…WE ARE NOT IMPRESSED WITH THE LAVERY BROTHERS PLAYING GOD AND ACTING LIKE THEY GET TO DECIDE WHO GETS TO BE A PARENT AND WHO DOESN’T!!  In fact, we are not impressed with Ryan being given KIAPSOPV status period, especially given all the mistakes he’s made, and the number of people he’s hurt (and hurt deeply) over the years.  Ryan is no hero.  He’s not even one of the good guys, so why do the writers try to make it seem like he is?  For that matter, why are they now trying to make Jonathug seem like he is?  We’re not buying it and we resent the hell out of having him forced down our throats as the KIAPSOPV!!

To further illustrate this point, I should like to throw out a few choice words other AMC (not Ryan) fans have used to describe the character of Ryan Lavery (shout-outs to Dr. Helen-Ruth’s AMC Forum WOOOOOOT!!):

Neanderthal
Bug-eyed cretin
Arm-Grabbing Moron / Abuser
Self-righteous
Emotionally abusive bastard
Hypocritical
Small-brained
Head-bobbing nitwit
Stupid
Hobo Looking semi-shaver
So dumb he can’t even kill HIMSELF
Arrogant
Condescending
Judgmental (and no good reason to be so)
Septic ball of simpering ****!
Nauseating mass of decrepit tripe
Incompetent flob of depraved pig waste 

(I trust you can see where this is going…)  Too bad TPTB can’t see what so many AMC fans CAN.  If they did, if they COULD, then perhaps, just PERHAPS they wouldn’t be trying to shove Ryan down our collective throats as though he were the freakin’ second coming or something!  Again I say: Ryan is no hero, no matter how hard they try to make it look like he is.  His brother, Jonathug, is no hero either, no matter how hard they are trying to make it look like HE is.  And Erin?  She lost all credibility the moment she jumped on the “Ryan is the KIAPSOPV” train.  If TPTB really wanted to make the Lavery’s a family to be admired, let alone emulated, they sure missed the mark - by a LOOOONNNNGGGG shot.  Speaking of shots…

The bar’s open!  Down a few shots with me, and maybe we can get through an episode or two without hitting the fast-forward button.  (Maybe.)