New Years Resolutions I Can Keep

 One of my new friends here in Ft. Lauderdale told me at dinner the other night that she’d already made her resolutions for 2006, and for once she really thought she could make them stick.  #1 was to stop being so damn nice to people and #2 was to start drinking more.   Man, what a concept!  Where do I sign up? 

I think part of the problem with resolutions is that it’s a lot easier to be figure out what’s wrong with someone else’s life than it is to honestly evaluate your own circumstances and go about changing what needs to be changed.  You know, it’s kind of like rehab – first you have to admit you have a problem.  Every year, I try like millions of other people to get organized, lose weight, start exercising, stop cussing, - I don’t smoke so that’s not on the list, though I should put it down because that’d be one that I could actually do.  And I usually fail miserably somewhere around the 8th of January.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m much better at diagnosing and fixing what’s wrong with other people’s lives than in actually fixing my own shit.  See?  There’s your proof right there, two paragraphs in and I’m already cussing.   

So here’s my analysis of what other people need to fix – in no particular order 

Lucas Lorenzo Spencer - Most adults can handle it when a friend is constantly MIA, either physically or emotionally.  But a kid just can’t.  Luke needs to put someone else first for a change.  I’m not saying he needs to become Robert Young overnight, but Lulu needs her dad – and she needs him now.  He needs to start watching Dr. Phil, he needs to own it.  That’s it – Luke needs to resolve to be there, even if it’s inconvenient for him.   

Michael “Sonny’ Corinthos – Ah Sonny – where to begin.  I think besides the obvious: “I will not order as many killings as I did last year” Sonny needs to think about how he treats people on a day to day basis.  Sure Sonny’s a complex guy, but he needs to know that regular people don’t get away with or expect to get away with some of the shit he pulls.  Telling someone to kill for him is just an example.  It doesn’t matter who it is either: his long-time enforcer or a surgeon that he doesn’t know jack-diddley about.  That is asking a helluva lot.  So for Sonny: Sensitivity and Empathy transfusions are in order. 

Skye Chandler Quartermaine Jacks – Intestinal fortitude.  Skye just needs to stick to her guns.  Skye doesn’t hold many illusions, about herself or anyone else for that matter.  She’s sharp, she just needs to work on her willpower – men, booze – it works just the same.  She also needs to make a concerted effort to make some female friends.  I love that she’s feeling all protective towards Lulu, but she needs a pal that she can go sing karaoke with on a Friday night.  Face it; hanging around the Q house is enough to make a nun curse. 

Emily Bowen Quartermaine Smith Cassadine – Emily needs to resolve to better her elocution and pronunciation.  If she’s going to become a doctor, she needs to drop the breathy um, uhs and generally hesitant way of speaking.  Taking your time and making yourself plainly understood is one thing, but come on.  If she wants to be taken seriously as a medical professional, she’d better start learning to speak in a decisive, declarative manner.  Maybe Tracy can recommend someone. 

Elizabeth Lansing Spencer – now here’s a chick that has been through a lot lately.  Yeah she meddled in NEm and she’s put her eggs up for sale.  But y’know I could forgive her almost anything because of her extreme empathy and nicey-niceness.  I mean, her scenes with Ric when she told him that she bore him no ill will and didn’t regret her time as his wife were soooo good.  As much as I love Liz and Lucky, I was able to mist up over memories of LiRic.  I also love love love how they put her in hott black lingerie for her wedding night to Lucky.  THANK YOU for not putting her in white and trying to make it seem like they’d never done the hibbidy gibbidy before!  I think Liz needs to further tap into her inner hotness in 2006 and she should resolve to always be wearing Victoria’s Secret goodies under the schlumpy scrubs.  

I think Jason should resolve to take his shirt of every once in awhile and let his skin breathe.  It’s healthier for him – honest, you can look it up. 

I think Tracy should resolve to lighten up a little bit.  All this threatening is getting her nowhere and is a bit much.  The more she threatens, the less I listen.  She needs to take a little break, get herself a drink with an umbrella in it and just chill for a bit.  Getting laid wouldn’t hurt either. 

Jax – oh Jax.  I think Jax needs to stop thinking he can play in the big leagues with the likes of Luke and Helena.  He needs to know his audience better and go back to being a knight in shining armor/corporate raider.  It works for him.  We need his glam back, we’ve got enough creeps thankyouverymuch. 

I think Lucky should also resolve to take his shirt off and let his skin breathe.  Honestly.  It’s good for your skin.  I swear. 

I think Felicia should resolve to get a life so that she could get a story.   

Ditto for Mac. 

Alexis’ resolution should be something along the lines of adopting the “all work and no play…” attitude towards life.  I love it when Alexis is in sharp lawyer mode, and I can’t get enough when she and Ric spar and she shows just why he fell in love with her. BUT – Alexis needs to learn how to relax and just be.  Her daughter will be much more well adjusted if she has a mommy who can make a mistake and not have triplet cows about it all the time.  

Carly might want to think about trying to have a broader, healthier range of emotions when it comes to her personal relationships this year.  The woman seems to have two speeds: either white hot completely consuming, all up in your kool-aid friendship/love, or evil spewing, cataliscious, “I don’t care if you live or die, you’re of no real use to me unless I decide so” mode – Pretty much everyone else in town besides Sonny, Jason, Courtney and her kids fall into that category.   

This year Ric needs to learn how to be happy with what he has.  If he adds it all up, all the things he’s gained, lived through and overcome this past year, well – he’s doing pretty damn good.  He needs to realize that Sonny’s man-love will always be all about “The Jason” – he needs to get over it.  And if he needs help “getting’ over it” - I can always clear my calendar.

I crack myself up.