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Eye on Soaps' January 12, 2007 (That's OK, Don't) Send In the Clowns
I get the impression that beyond just the circus thing, the clown thing is a culture in and of itself. Maybe that's why I don't get it. Maybe you have to be in the Clown Club to understand. That's Emmett Kelly up there on the right as well, by the way.
This site http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/clown-phobia.html provides support for people suffering from coulrophobia. Evidently, this who clown phobia thing is a serious problem. But then, Eric (my husband) once dated a girl who was terrified of balloons, not in that "don't you EVEN pop in my face, balloon, OK?" way but in that high pitched shrieking, "Oh My GOD get it AWAY FROM me" way that should only be reserved for hatchet killers, Martha Stewart and snakes. If balloons, why not clowns?
www.clownz.com is a website all about people who are afraid of clowns. This guy who runs the site was busted by Larry Harmon Pictures Corporation for having a "No Bozo's" zone. The webmaster had to take down his picture of Bozo the Clown and was smited most harshly by the company for his "Anti-Clown" sentiments. I await my own clown beating. I hope they aren't in costume at the time or I might be scarred for life. Clowns are, by nature, liars anyway. They paint on smiles when you know they are unhappy sometimes or else they paint on severely sad faces to make us feel all bad when you know sometimes they just had a particularly excellent day and aren't sad at all. It's like they are manipulating our emotions. And to what end? Why would they want us to feel sorry and bad from them if they were having a good day? Hell, a clown who is particularly good at it (and have we decided how that is rated yet?) probably has a summer home in Aspen and banks in triple digits upward and he wants to elicit that kind of "awww, poor clown" emotion out of me? WTF? Like I don't have enough to worry about and now this rich fake sad clown is trying to get me to shed a tear for his melancholy heart? Stupid, manipulative clowns. At least when actors do it, it's in the context of telling a story.  And what sadistic ass decided that a jack-in-the-box was an appropriate toy for a little kid? Anyone who has introduced one of these devilish devices to their young child knows good and well that the kid is going to be mesmerized by the plinky plinky plunky music and just when they're starting to smile over it, KABAM!!! A scary clown flies out of the box and scares a pile into their diapers while the parents laugh like mad. Talk about your kid torture. It takes weeks for a kid to warm up to this toy and even then, they cringe and brace themselves in terror when it gets to the line about "the monkey thought 'twas all in fun" then KABAM!
Did you know there there is a website called www.ihateclowns.com? I didn't start it and am unaffiliated with it, just so you'll know. I wonder if they raised the Clown Insurance rates merely by their existence. www.ags.uci.edu/~dcoble/clowns/clowns.html is a gallery of scary clowns. The webmaster advises you to click on a clown, then stare at it until the horror really creeps up on you. Repeat until mad. I loved the show "Chicago Hope," which like so many others, I never saw in prime time and only saw in syndicated reruns. In one episode, Mandy Patinkin ("My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.") donned a Pierrot kind of clownwear and sang "I Dreamed A Dream" in a really freaky, creepy falsetto that scarred me for life. I was never able to look at Dr Jeffrey Geiger the same way again. I was harmed, I tell you.
Willard Scott played Bozo for a while. Captain Kangaroo was both Clarabelle the Clown (from Howdy Doody) and The Town Clown (from Captain Kangaroo).
The breed of clowns for which I do have full respect are the rodeo clowns. I'm not even a rodeo fan, but it's easy to see that not only are these guys hunky and studly, but they work their clown butts off while the riders get all of the glory! All Hail Rodeo Clowns!! They are FEARLESS!
When I was trying to figure out (for an hour) how to spell Pierrot, I, of course, contacted that bastion of cultural literacy, Kate, from "A Cynic Soaps Up." She's likely the most educated friend I have and I knew she'd know. I continued writing and as it turned out, Georgia found the spelling for me minutes before Kate signed onto AIM. Still, Kate and I had a wonderful conversation, which included a fine story about mime harassment. I'll include it here to let you into my world for a little while: katrina: hi kate: at your service kate: what's up? katrina: I was at a cultural dilemma point katrina: but I finally figured it out kate: ok katrina: I tried for over an hour to come up with the word Pierott kate: what was it if I may ask? katrina: Pierrot rather katrina: because I'm writing a journal on why clowns suck kate: i hate clowns kate: it's not that I hate clowns exactly kate: I just don’t "get" clowns kate: never have katrina: because it's stupid and you aren't kate: thank you kate: lol katrina: no worries katrina: let me know if you ever need for me to sort anything like that out for you again katrina: I'll be more than happy to oblige kate: i certainly will kate: would you like to hear my mime story? katrina: of course! kate: i was in New Orleans on business kate: had dinner with an author kate: and we were walking around the French quarter afterwards kate: taking business kate: (she was doing the first book EVER published on AIDS) kate: anyway I digress kate: this asshole mime comes up kate: and starts doing his "show" in front of us kate: we smile politely and walk around him kate: he freaking follows us kate: and jumps in front of us and starts his crap again kate: I explain politely kate: that we are having a discussion kate: he wont leave us alone kate: hounds us for two blocks kate: when I kate: say "look you freak, I was polite kate: I asked to be left alone kate: and if you don't leave us alone the next time you try to kate: speak it will be as a castrata" kate: meanwhile my author kate: has dug through her purse and pulled out her mace kate: and threatens him kate: lol kate: it was hysterical katrina: lol katrina: I love it kate: I never do stuff like that katrina: can I use that? kate: but he was invading our space katrina: yeah! kate: oh yes feel free katrina: my point exactly! kate: i mean geesh kate: if you agree to go to the circus kate: you accept that you will have to endure the clowns katrina: absolutely kate: but a person should be able to walk down the street clown-free kate: oh and emmett kelly katrina: especially after letting the clown know he's on thin ice kate: i never understood the allure kate: very thin ice katrina: me either katrina: Mom was mesmerized kate: and you know I cut people a ton of slack kate: but once i have been polite and you continue to be rude katrina: yes, you are most generous *cough*erica*cough* kate: the gloves are off katrina: and who can blame you??? kate: btw the book was best seller kate: for a health care book katrina: did she mention the mime at all? kate: c everett koop did the foreword katrina: wow!! katrina: can you imagine what it would be like to talk to C Everett Koop? kate: no, but she did thank me profusely in the credits for making the book possible kate: i had dinner with him katrina: NO katrina: WAY! katrina: Thou Art Goddess kate: yep to celebrate publishing the book katrina: Amazing kate: people tend to think science publishing is boring kate: but I got to meet a lot of interesting people katrina: I mean, mustn't that guy know anything about everything? katrina: It's a wonder his head doesn't explode kate: yes, but he is very modest almost shy kate: i have found that most truly successful smart people are modest katrina: That's why people like myself are never Surgeon General. "LISTEN TO ME! LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW EVERYTHING!" katrina: hmmmm kate: especially in the sciences katrina: I am doomed to failure, for I am totally immodest kate: because of the same book I also had dinner with morgan fairchild katrina: in the sciences, anyway kate: which is not quite as impressive I know katrina: OK, what's wrong with that picture? katrina: she doesn't strike me as the science type kate: she was one of the first celebrities to be an activist for people with AIDS katrina: I see kate: she's pretty smart and very well read katrina: interesting! kate: i want to know kate: who started this clown thing? kate: was there a clown lobby? kate: that shields guy is now an artist in sedona and runs a gallery there kate: i saw him on some hgtv show a few years ago katrina: is he gay? kate: he was even creepier in real life katrina: you are such a remarkable gaydar kate: why thank you katrina: but he looks so yummy! kate: although sometimes I am off kate: but creepy kate: I mean really creepy katrina: I mistakenly thought he and Lorene were married katrina: but there is no mention of it in the bio. Just that they are still partnered professionally katrina: which led me to wonder kate: wasnt he married to his partner? katrina: I thought so katrina: but it's very carefully worded in all of the bios I've found on him kate: I remember an article in people a billion years ago kate: that they had a "mime" wedding in sf katrina: ah! katrina: interesting! katrina: thank you katrina: did you hear about the interviewer who asked Karen and David Carpenter where they first met? kate: omg kate: in a gay bar of course katrina: and when I was in ENGLAND mind you katrina: (LOL) katrina: someone called into an interview with Paul McCartney and asked if it was true that he was in another group before "Wings" katrina: Barry Took was doing the interview katrina: and I thought he was going to choke katrina: PM was most gracious kate: it us amazing what people DON'T know katrina: the caller was a teen, so it made sense in a way katrina: but still kate: especially in england katrina: Another interviewer in England kept calling Liza Minelli "Judy" kate: and clown college? kate: what the hell is up with that? kate: the thing is when you tell people you don’t like clowns katrina: and did you ever see Mandy Mantinkin in Piorret-wear? singing falsetto "I Dreamed a Dream?" kate: they assume you are afraid of them katrina: screaming nightmares katrina: EXACTLY! katrina: there is a difference in fear and repulsion kate: did you ever see rudy galindo in his skating peirrot costume? kate: or ennui katrina: no but I'm frightened just thinking about it kate: to me clowns are not interesting enough to inspire fear katrina: disdain? kate: that could be the word kate: although people who love clowns kate: are a bit frightening katrina: how about the clown collectors? *shudder* kate: clown placemats kate: towels kate: ashtrays kate: plates katrina: yeeks katrina: on the I Hate Clowns site, there is a quote, "Take care and aim for the nose." kate: lol katrina: and the big shoes katrina: phallic exaggeration, much? kate: just a little katrina: and to emulate gin blossoms on their noses? kate: and all those clowns in the tiny car? katrina: a birthing nightmare kate: it's a world i do not understand kate: and don’t care to katrina: nor I, my friend kate: someone once told me that kate: because I am so cynical I miss out on so many wonderful things kate: in life kate: this person collects clowns katrina: but...but...you ARE so many wonderful things in life! katrina: there you go kate: if I am missing out on the wonder of clowns-so be it! katrina: do you regret missing the bountiful joy of clown collecting? kate: thankfully there is therapy which has helped me through kate: lol katrina: I'll bet if you trade in your cynicism, a UPS truck will pull up to your apartment and gift you with boxes and boxes of clown paraphernalia kate: probably and the Marie Osmond doll collection, too Then we went on to discuss her mother's statue of Jesus with replaceable thorns and the fundamentals of soap watching psychology. Sure, clowning might be an honorable profession, but I gotta say, I just don't get it. Much love, Originally published in May of 2004
People Who Have Clearly Lost Their Minds Anorexia Versus Genetics; Media Pressure Versus Body Type |
Seeing this
photo made me think about, of course, clowns. My mom was fascinated
by clowns; one in particular, this one specifically. His
name was 
How
do you get to be the "best" clown to the point that there is a Hall
of Fame? I have to know this. What differentiates an average clown
from a truly great clown? I remember Emmett Kelly used to do the
"sweeping the spotlight" act where he takes a broom and chases the
spotlight around on the floor. It was entertaining, but I can't see
getting all choked up about it. I never found a bunch of guys
getting out of a tiny car via a trap door under the stage all that
funny, even as a child. I guess I never really got the clown gig at
all. I know the make up is a form of artwork and that supposedly, a
true clown has someone apply his makeup after he dies and he is
buried that way. I've also heard that no two clowns have the same
makeup and that it is something of a trademark. In fact,
Emmett Kelly, Jr and Emmett Kelly, Sr were estranged for a many
years over the Jr copying the "Weary Willie" clown look of the Sr.
Jr claimed that his was "less sad." (I am not sure why he
didn't just use the hereditary plea) I guess they really do
take this thing seriously. 
Some
people are afraid of clowns. In fact, there is a name for it:
One word
for you: Pennywise. If you don't know it, look it
up in cinematic history or else ask Tim Curry about it.
Did you
know if you are a professional clown, you are supposed to have Clown
Insurance? Does State Farm carry that? Are there different levels
of Clown Insurance liability for what kind of clown you are? Do
scary, lying clowns have a higher premium than happy, smiling clowns
because people might be more likely to try and beat the shit out of
them? What kind of monthly payments would this guy to the left
have? 
I
mean yikes. Pierrot and Harlequin are the scariest clowns ever.
It's like French kabuki. These guys are ALWAYS sad and yes, we're
supposed to worry about them because, alas! They are tres'
melancholy. Well, whahhhh! Eat some croissants laced with prozac
and shut le hell up.
perpetuating
a tradition that should have been stomped out a long time ago. When
Opus from Bloom County beat a mime to death with a loaf of olive
bread, it should have been justifiable homicide. Shields and
Yarnell were fun to watch. They get a hall pass in the "clowns
suck" school. It probably helps that Robert Shields is gorgeous and
Lorene Yarnell was totally inoffensive, even for a cute broad.
Robert Shields was also discovered by Marcelle Marceau and studied
with him in Paris. He's known as "San Francisco's Original Street
Mime," which means he was the first one in SF to follow you around
and bug the shit out of you. What a bummer. 
