For the Week of January 14, 2008


I’ve got an earworm and I’ve got it bad.


“It was long ago and it was far away but it was so much better than it is today.”


Five minutes into Soapnet’s AMC retrospective Meatloaf started singing my ear and he has not stopped. Today’s retrospective showed why AMC used to be a great and highly rated show.  Actors were hired because they could act, not because they looked good half-dressed, although many of them did in fact look good half-naked. Stories were written as stories, not rating stunts. Racially diverse casts.  Characters written in varying shades of grey. AMC created by the wonderful Agnes Nixon was a soap with a heart. When I think about the people responsible for today’s AMC, the heart is not the first body part that springs to mind.

I skimmed over much of the Why We Love Greenlee episodes because it was too painful to remember that I liked  Bianca before she uttered the words, “Babe is love.” It was too painful to see the beautiful, funny, and smart Simone alive. Most painful of all? Remembering who Tad and David were before they were Carey-fied. 

As for this week’s AMC, I did like all most some of the things that happened.

This was not one of them:

                              Zach: “Call the police!”

                              Kendall: “Why?”

Oh, let us think about that for a moment shall we, Kendall? Maybe it’s because on one side of the apartment door an armed and deranged Hannah is holding your brother hostage. Meanwhile, you and Zach are standing on the other side with nary a gun between you. I am afraid Kendall may be joining GH’s Lulu and OLTL’s Natalie as women who used to be smart but are getting dumber, and more hysterical, by the minute.

Hannah is smart, but also damaged and deranged. Like many departing soap characters her final moments were her most interesting. Her back story was compelling and heartbreaking. It was a shortsighted decision to bring Hannah back to the Valley as a plot point instead of as a fully realized character. She could have been a major player in Pine Valley. Hannah could have been many things. One of the things I never imagined Hannah being was Sean’s psychotic MILF.

Sean is quite the bounder, isn’t he? Alternatively, in today’s parlance, Sean is the quite the trash d*ck, isn’t he?

It’s a shame about Sean. The character had potential but now has been reduced to a plot device that only exists to have unfortunate sex with inappropriate women.

Kendall and Aidan having sex could be called unfortunate, inappropriate, or stupid or any combination of the three. Kendall jumping and/or yelping each time Aidan touches her is just plain bizarre. Is she afraid that the slightest touch will have her ripping Aidan’s clothes off and begging to have sex on the floor? With Erica in the other room? She’s behaving more and more like irrational Lulu and Natalie every day. Brian Frons might like his women irrational and not-so-very-smart, but I do not.

What did I like this week? Surprisingly, it was Ryan. A few columns back, I postulated that Cameron Mathison’s stint on DWTS   was having a positive effect on his AMC performance.  Ryan’s speech had actual nuance and his body language was much looser. This week I need to expand that notion to include the writers. I suspect Cameron’s DWTS  appearance has also had a positive effect on their writing. Watching DWTS it was impossible to not notice how charming, affable, smart and funny Cameron is.  It appears the writers are folding those personali ty traits into Ryan via a gunshot wound to the head. More accurately the writers are folding those traits back  into Ryan’s personality. When he first arrived on the Pine Valley scene, Ryan was charming, affable, smart and funny. Making these positive character alterations won’t erase the things Ryan has done, but they could make it easier to not FF’d his scenes.

This week’s nod to DWTS  was kind of sweet, if historically inaccurate. It wasn’t the first time Erica and Ryan danced together.  The first time they danced, it was Erica and not Ryan who did the asking. It was during the much-missed Crystal Ball. Ryan reluctantly attended the ball with his beloved Gillian. The entire town knew that Ryan was charged with rape and he did not want to embarrass either Gillian or her family. Ryan’s instinct was correct, people did stare, and people did whisper. Sensing his unease, Erica asked Ryan to dance with her. It was Erica’s way of publicly demonstrating her belief in Ryan’s innocence. Erica may be a narcissistic diva but she is also a woman who can be fiercely loyal to her friends.< o:p>

What else. What else.

“You (Josh) used to like it when I got rough.” Ahh, I was right about them being an S&M couple.

“I called the hospital and Annie filled me in.”   Does it make sense to anyone, besides the writers, that Annie would leave her husband’s bedside to take a call from Krystal?

JR washed his hair!

“As somebody who loves you more than anything and yet was willing to let you believe, for the rest of your life, that your son drowned in the cold, dark river.” I know that is not what Tad said and that Tad will never say anything close to that. It’s sad really.

Now that we have heard Dre say more than three words in a row, I like him.

“Why do I feel like I’m 14?” Babe, unless you have started trading sex for grades, I have no idea why you feel like you are 14.

Is it just the new light bulbs or have the rooms at PVH been redecorated?

I’m confused. Wasn’t Ryan’s major donation supposed to guarantee that Richie never left the psych ward?

“I don’t like the idea of anyone taking pot shots at Erica’s daughter.”  Zach suspecting Adam of helping Hannah be Sniper of the Day, shows that Zach doesn’t know Adam as well as he thinks he does.

Dre’s father is Samuel Woods, but is Samuel his biological father?  Maybe Dre is the child Mia put up for adoption which would make Frankie Quentin is his biodad.

“There are some basic rules to building a snowman.” Yes, there are, JR. One of them is that there must be more than an inch of snow on the ground.

Is Lil’A ever fully conscious?

You know that woman they want for the shooting? I just spent the night with her.” To Jack that sounded like a bad thing, but to Sean’s classmates it is going to sound like an impressive thing.

“I’m not right. I’m not back yet. Just look at the bottom of your screen. The REAL Greenlee won’t be back until next week.”   Just when you thought ABC could not sink any lower..

Hannah never leaves home without her two essentials: lipgloss and a gun. (I’m pretty sure it was a Fusion lipgloss, how about you?)

“I loved him. I hated him. But I still wanted him.” There’s a country song in there somewhere. Either that or a Lifetime movie. Or both.

“He has a gunshot wound to the head.” Geesh, Joe, the hospital janitor could have told us that. Why is Joe still the Chief of Staff? I know he’s a Martin but still..

Richie is still crazy after all these years, which makes his arranging a long distance prison yard shiv’ing all that more impressive.

Where the hell is Amanda?

“Babe, you’re the girl who is always taking in strays. Or babies. Or purses.” If only every mother knew her daughter as well as Krystal knows Babe. 

Will this week’s spoilers have us thinking we’re still crazy after all these years for watching AMC or not? Let’s see. 

It’s Feel Bad About Yourself week in Pine Valley.

Hannah realizes that in some twisted way Zach has given her what she wanted. The realization brings her peace. She lets go of Zach’s hand and falls to her death. Figuratively speaking, Zach cannot let go of Hannah quite so easily. He is haunted by not only her death but also by what Hannah revealed about her life.

Zach, I am warning you, if you even think about mentioning the Cambias Curse, it’s over between us.  

Greenlee longs for a serving of Spotted Dick. Unfortunately, it’s not on the menu because Aidan is too racked by guilt to serve it up.

Guilt is an insidious little bugger. Aidan keeps his tryst with Kendall a secret because he doesn’t want to hurt Greenlee. The longer he keeps the secret, the guiltier he feels. The guiltier he feels the less able he is to perform his Spotted Dick duties. Aidan not being able to make love to her could leave Greenlee feeling hurt.   

Kendall feels guilty about having sex with her best friend’s boyfriend.

It appears Kendall feels guiltier about betraying Greenlee than she does about betraying Zach. And people think Richie is nuts.

Meanwhile over at PVH:

Aidan takes an ailing Frankie Quentin to PVH.

After examining Frankie Quentin, Dr Joe tells Aidan, “After further examination I can safely say that Frankie Quentin is ailing.”

Julia, the person who is really running PVH, tells Joe that Frankie Quentin and Greenlee have the same symptoms.

“Well, Julia, after further examination of their files, I must conclude that both Frankie Quentin and Greenlee definitely have symptoms.”

Joe calls in an infectious disease specialist, Angie Hubbard, to treat her son Frankie Quentin and Greenlee.

I hope Angie shows up after the16th, so she does not waste her time treating the not REAL Greenlee.

Over at the Slaters:

Julia rescues Jack from Erica.

OK, so what Julia really does is unlock the closet door.

Jack asks Julia out on a date. Erica asks Tad for advice on burying someone alive.

I hope Erica is right there when Jack asks Julia for a date. That is really the only way to make this scene interesting.

Ryan continues to be the happiest man in Pine Valley!

Ryan decides to give away most of his fortune to Babe.

Sorry, I could not resist. Ryan decides to give most of his fortune to charity.

Ryan sees Kendall and kisses her. Kendall screams, “Aidan told you I was easy, didn’t he?”

In my (non-sexual) fantasies Ryan runs amok, kissing everyone he sees. Hey, it’s better than Ryan running amok, forcing everyone to wear a clown nose.

Annie plans a romantic evening with Ryan. It is a perfect evening until Ryan runs amok shouting, “This is the bestest night of my whole life, Kendall!”

In reality, Ryan says a variation of these unfortunate words while sitting very close to Annie. Annie puts on her best Stepford smile and assures Ryan everything is OK. I suspect we will be seeing a lot of Annie’s Stepford smile this week when the REAL Greenlee comes back to Pine Valley.

It’s party time over at Casa Chandler.

Adam decides to throw a party for the happy newlyweds, Krystal and Tad. Colby is skeptical but Adam convinces her to help him.

“Colby, here’s the shopping list. We need cereal, candy, cheese in a can, and those little tiny sausages in a can- Krystal loves those, they remind her of Tad. Oh, and don’t  forget lots of cans of WhoopAss- I’m giving those out as party favors. I’d do the shopping  but I still haven’t finished folding the napkins into the shape of adulterers. Curse that Martha Stewart, she makes throwing a party look so damned easy.”

Adam thought the party would help him woo Krystal away from Tad.

I’m trying not to think this is pathetic. I’m failing.

Tad suggests that they go on a Hawaiian honeymoon. Tad is disappointed when Krystal doesn’t want to go.

I am,too. I was hoping they would have a very long honeymoon. Off camera.

Realizing she has disappointed him, Krystal brings a little bit of Hawaii to Tad.

I did not know that you could buy Poi in a can. If Tad does the hula, well, just like Tad, I will not be responsible for my actions. On the bright side, Christmas is over so we will not have to endure them singing Mele Kalikimaka.

Tad and Krystal renew their vows.

This inspires me to renew a sacred vow, too. The vow to myself to FF all Tad and Krystal scenes.


Oh, those AMC actors.

Actor and director Mario Van Peebles has been cast as Samuel Woods. This week we learned Samuel Woods is Dre’s father.  He arrives in PV as a guest on Erica’s show and soon becomes her new romantic partner.

[Note from Katrina:  I canNOT believe that's all Kate had to say about THAT.  She must still be speechless from hearing the news.]

Here’s to another week in the Valley!

Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2008

January 7, 2008


Kate's AMC Spoiler Archives For 2007